for the first time, someone had the guts to comment directly on an entry on my blog. Normally, I get private messages. most of the time, they are people I never even was previously acquainted with.
even some friends who read my rants from time to time don't even dare post their comments.
So, i chuckled on this new development. And i excitedly composed this reply.
"just read your comment and hahah... we don't really need to box ourselves in categories. Even sluts have different reasons for being so. ;)
anyway... hoping for some views at PR also has more to it than just plain vanity.
hahah...
you see, sometimes you tend to think that at a certain age, you already understand sexual politics inside and out... but unexpected things happen and you find yourself with your jaw dropped in disbelief. you then crawl back to the dance hall of the crazy dating games with a bruised ego and a tired heart.
you realize that you thought you knew these games but the truth is... no one really does. and no one will ever learn. At least that's what i think.
the games never change, yeah... but they vary. and the next time you're in it... it's most likely not the same as the last one you played.
so... again, you subject yourself to the things you swore you'd never ever do again. and when pride looks you in the eye with the ugliest mocking smile... you just say 'bitch! outta my way. i'm on a mission.'
just now... i suddenly hear Enid (Carrie's Vogue Boss) saying "...what are you doing in my waiting pool?"
LOL
you're just 25... why in the world are you ranting my rants... hahahah!"
Friday, March 2, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
OH VALENTINE… YOU BASTARD VALENTINE YOU!
I spent two days with a friend in Cubao. I was just relieved that I didn’t have to endure the escalating pressure of yet another get-together tradition alone and stuck here in my apartment.
I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.
8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.
Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.
And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.
But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished
I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.
It’s still valentines day, I told myself.
With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.
Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.
And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.
Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.
Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.
There, I said it all. No more… no less.
I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.
That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.
Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?
I didn’t get any.
Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.
Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.
Hmp…
Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.
I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.
8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.
Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.
And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.
But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished
I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.
It’s still valentines day, I told myself.
With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.
Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.
And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.
Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.
Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.
There, I said it all. No more… no less.
I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.
That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.
Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?
I didn’t get any.
Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.
Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.
Hmp…
Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Up Somewhere In The Air
...Can't connect to what I watched today... 'UP IN THE AIR' for the N-th time... but I find myself relating to it... somehow.
...saved a few lines from the film,
"You know... by the time you're 34, all those physical requirements just go out the window...
...you may not understand that now but believe me you will one day...
...and a nice smile... yeah, a nice smile. Nice smile just might do."
...and a while ago, I scolded a prick in a GBT site and said
"I'm gonna be honest...
truth is... most of the time, the 'zup!!!!!' and 'what you up to?????'
on-your-face-hit doesn't impress people.
you're quite a looker already, no need to 'try' to be cool.
and to follow it up with 'what?' (now)... and somehow demanding a total stranger to give you his location... ends whatever interest he might have for you.
that, kiddo is an unsolicited advice from a fairly experienced adult.
now, do better and be nice and intellectually interesting... instead of trying to be 'down'. goodbye"
of course he answered me with
"wow ang gwapo mo tol
ashole
fuck you"
before blocking me so that I couldn't respond to that.
...and last, I got a new favorite song, it keeps playing in my mind all day. It's called 'Help Yourself' and here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZudzJQfx8vk&feature=related
...saved a few lines from the film,
"You know... by the time you're 34, all those physical requirements just go out the window...
...you may not understand that now but believe me you will one day...
...and a nice smile... yeah, a nice smile. Nice smile just might do."
...and a while ago, I scolded a prick in a GBT site and said
"I'm gonna be honest...
truth is... most of the time, the 'zup!!!!!' and 'what you up to?????'
on-your-face-hit doesn't impress people.
you're quite a looker already, no need to 'try' to be cool.
and to follow it up with 'what?' (now)... and somehow demanding a total stranger to give you his location... ends whatever interest he might have for you.
that, kiddo is an unsolicited advice from a fairly experienced adult.
now, do better and be nice and intellectually interesting... instead of trying to be 'down'. goodbye"
of course he answered me with
"wow ang gwapo mo tol
ashole
fuck you"
before blocking me so that I couldn't respond to that.
...and last, I got a new favorite song, it keeps playing in my mind all day. It's called 'Help Yourself' and here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZudzJQfx8vk&feature=related
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
GUY SHOPPING PROFILING STYLE
Some kid i was chatting with in a GBT site was trying to give me an advice... and I went along since he's really hot. He's 23 by the way.
But he mentioned something that really made me think. You see, you can go to a gallery there and choose from like hundreds and thousands of profiles to flirt with... send pa-cute messages... etc.
Each page has like 20 profiles and in a day there are an average of 15 to 20 pages in the gallery. So, imagine yourself pushing a shopping cart and picking whoever you like.
Anyway... so, this younger guy was telling me that if my intention is to get a quick fix and don't really mind who it is as long as I get laid... hit the ones who are in the most recent numbers... meaning profiles in pages 1 to 3... or 5. Now, if i'm the desperate type who can't book a hook up... go for the last several numbers... meaning... the ones who have been logged in for hours and hours now. He say's these guys are most likely the same 'losers'.
And then he adds, 'now if you really want to get to know guys who are serious or if not, guys who are really picky and got the right to be, go for the ones in the middle pages'.
I thought it was funny and how could he have come up with such theory. But after getting tired of each others' blahs... it made me realize that... put that theory in a more friendly and unprejudiced way... it kind of makes sense.
hahah!
But he mentioned something that really made me think. You see, you can go to a gallery there and choose from like hundreds and thousands of profiles to flirt with... send pa-cute messages... etc.
Each page has like 20 profiles and in a day there are an average of 15 to 20 pages in the gallery. So, imagine yourself pushing a shopping cart and picking whoever you like.
Anyway... so, this younger guy was telling me that if my intention is to get a quick fix and don't really mind who it is as long as I get laid... hit the ones who are in the most recent numbers... meaning profiles in pages 1 to 3... or 5. Now, if i'm the desperate type who can't book a hook up... go for the last several numbers... meaning... the ones who have been logged in for hours and hours now. He say's these guys are most likely the same 'losers'.
And then he adds, 'now if you really want to get to know guys who are serious or if not, guys who are really picky and got the right to be, go for the ones in the middle pages'.
I thought it was funny and how could he have come up with such theory. But after getting tired of each others' blahs... it made me realize that... put that theory in a more friendly and unprejudiced way... it kind of makes sense.
hahah!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
year turn reflections
facebook status 20 hours ago
kahapon habang paalis ng paliparan sa NAIA naisip ko na matagal-tagal rin akong nagpalipad ng saranggola ng iba... naghatid ng mga umaalis... tumanaw para sa mga naglayag.
itong taon... marami rin namang unos na gumiba nung sistema ko...
nakapapagod... nakadudurog ng moral.
subalit nalampasang muli gaya ng marami na ring sigalot ng mundo ko.
nawa ang kinahulugan ko na ngayon ay isang dalisay na batis na wala nang humpay na aagos... raragasa.
12:13am facebook status update
a few minutes after the start of the new year would've been again a significant number in my life... in a parallel universe that would have made that other me the luckiest guy in the planet...
so, i'm just thankful to my cousins i'm not spending the new year alone... the way i had initially planned it... i need not make a big thing of what this few minutes after the new year would have meant in another time in my life.
facebook status 11: 44am
Never mind that I can't recall a long list of good things to smile back on in 2011... I love reading the good stuff you guys loved about your past year. This year i hope I could do the same.
I am glad that at least I still got my family to be there and erase for the moment every uncomfortable memory and meaning that I have of the turn of the year. And grateful to them for being there when my world ended a year ahead. I'm in a better place now.
kahapon habang paalis ng paliparan sa NAIA naisip ko na matagal-tagal rin akong nagpalipad ng saranggola ng iba... naghatid ng mga umaalis... tumanaw para sa mga naglayag.
itong taon... marami rin namang unos na gumiba nung sistema ko...
nakapapagod... nakadudurog ng moral.
subalit nalampasang muli gaya ng marami na ring sigalot ng mundo ko.
nawa ang kinahulugan ko na ngayon ay isang dalisay na batis na wala nang humpay na aagos... raragasa.
12:13am facebook status update
a few minutes after the start of the new year would've been again a significant number in my life... in a parallel universe that would have made that other me the luckiest guy in the planet...
so, i'm just thankful to my cousins i'm not spending the new year alone... the way i had initially planned it... i need not make a big thing of what this few minutes after the new year would have meant in another time in my life.
facebook status 11: 44am
Never mind that I can't recall a long list of good things to smile back on in 2011... I love reading the good stuff you guys loved about your past year. This year i hope I could do the same.
I am glad that at least I still got my family to be there and erase for the moment every uncomfortable memory and meaning that I have of the turn of the year. And grateful to them for being there when my world ended a year ahead. I'm in a better place now.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
COLORS
I was dating this guy once. One day, he said... 'you should start wearing color' and made me realize that I was actually wearing either black, white, gray or any other subdued tones.
I love color. In fact, I love vibrant colored clothes... yellow, red and orange. I love purple and violet. I love prints and never shied away from wearing them even when some ignorant conservatives think I look like a drag.
But instead I told him that if I did, I 'd feel like a cheat... most specially to my self. Because inside that's not what I was... no colors... vibrance, none. In fact, the only thing interesting in my life that time was him.
I bought a shirt a few days after. It has the type of red I usually adore. But every time I was wearing it, I only got reminded that I bought it for him. And after we realized that it wasn't working out between us, the shirt became my slut shirt.
Yes, I too noticed that whenever I wear that shirt, I get attention more than the usual.
Recently, I have officially developed a love-hate affair with that shirt. Today, it reminds me of those suffocating months struggling to live alone again. I seldom wear the shirt now. It already served its purpose.
Weeks ago, I finally realized that I already love wearing color again. I was in the middle of this labor of love project and had no chance of going home. So I bought ukay on my way to a friend's house in Antipolo.
I bought a happy orange colored long sleeved shirt and I matched it with an equally happy light blue toned cotton pants that remind me of nurses' scrubs.
The other night, my neighbor told me that she noticed that I love green. Because my apartment is filled with all sorts of green tones. I never thought I love green that much especially on me. But yeah, I guess green makes me feel relaxed and embraced.
Today, I bought a flesh toned tee and I feel virginal. hahah. I'm officially in love with my colors again!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
the last three weeks...
It's been a while since visited my blogsite. I guess, I really only do when there's no one else I could talk to when I need one badly.
I have been looking for someone to talk to since last night. My 'foster pup' Namida was just taken by my landlord. She's staying with them for a while until the tension with the neighbors die down. The savages were just looking for all excuses and things to complain about just to steer the attention away from the real problems in my apartment's compound -THEM!
Last night, I could tell if I was to feel relieved of not having Namida to worry about for a while or feel sad because again... I'm totally alone again.
And it's already december. If only I could fast forward to January 2012.
I spent last weekend at my friend's place in Antipolo... after asking him thrice. Yes, I really needeed to get away from the apartment hell of last week. And I needed... still do, actually... to have conversations. All week long, people in my apartment were going crazy. There were fights almost every single fucking day. And some idiots went as far as provoke me when I had nothing to do with their insanity.
The woman who lives right under my unit complained all sorts of silly stuff about the puppy I was taking care of. A neighbor told me that she was envious of me having a dog around.
I couldn't really comprehend how taking care of a dog could be envious. Especially when I really have nothing to get out of it. In the first place, Namida isn't even mine. She's my other neighbors' golden retriever. I took the responsibility of taking care of her because I too neeeded a therapy. You know... after a breakup, I need to learn how to care genuinely again.
But the routine? Nothing is glamourous and easy about taking care of a dog. You get up really early in the morning only to take the dog outside and let her do her thing... before you eat breakfast, you scoop poop. Is that something to envy about? There are tons of other things... sacrifices one needs to do in taking care of a dog.
And now, Namida's out of the picture. I don't know what will happen to her because her owners, the couple who also happens to have a baby, could not decide on what's next for Namida. She can't stay in my landlord's house forever. Told them, they either have to give her up for adoption... or they re-sell her... either way, we can all be sure she'll end up with people who will finally take care of her... love her.
As for the problems in my apartment... I doubt if any good would progress after Namida left... because the real problems are the abusive parasitic uneducated freaks living on the first floor units.
Three weeks ago... the Ex texted me out of the blue. He said he's moving out of our old apartment that saturday... asked me to pick up some of my stuff that I might still want to get.
I told him that I don't think there still are stuff i own that he still had with him that I'm still interested to get... reminded him that he was the one who took out my stuff outside the apartment when he was pressuring me to move every last stuff that I still had in there because his new lover was also moving in that same day.
And I did... I managed to pick up all my things he placed outside the door like trash that needed to be discarded immediately.
But anyway...
I told him that I could pass by and probably pick up some little stuff that I need not hire a cab to transport. I thought the gesture was to ask me to have at least one final talk. And I also thought that he could be asking me because he needed to lessen the stuff that he needed to bring.
By the time that I got there, it was at around 7pm... and it was empty... literally.
There were a few trash... useless stuff left on one corner. Old receipts I collected when we were still together, his old payslips both from TAPE and GMA that I too compiled... it's a habit i have. There was also a box of his own old photos. I don't know why he left it. There was also my old PC monitor... an old decorative basket prop... a worn out backpack he used to use a lot... and nothing more... just pieces of trash.
I was in a state I couldn't figure out what it was. I was so angry... like the way he made me during our breakup... I was shaking and fighting the urge of losing my self-control. But I too was so sad and I felt weak. Seeing the apartment we shared for almost five years like that... empty and abandoned... it was like a ghost. It felt like a blackhole sucking me into deep depression.
When I got back to my own apartment... I've been avoiding all urges to text the Ex and tell him how much of an asshole he is. But in a few hours I couldn't prevent myself anymore. I told him what he made me feel by convincing me to go there. I told him that I don't know if it was intentional that he did that or what his exact motives were but... whatever they were, I wanted him to know that he succeeded and hoped that it was enough to dissolve all remaining hate he had of me. I asked him that for the last time... that he would please never get in touch with me anymore... not acknowledge me if by accident we'd walk into each other in public. I told him that I don't want to know any whatsoever thing about him anymore.
But last week, in just one night... I walked not only into him... but him with his lover walking my dog Chichi and their other dog.
The last three weeks, I realized, could might as well represent my whole year of 2011. Me trying to get back on my feet... only to get dragged again by external representations of my old 'Ex' issues.
I just hope that it's gonna be a totally different season finally next year. I still need to get back my own life.
I have been looking for someone to talk to since last night. My 'foster pup' Namida was just taken by my landlord. She's staying with them for a while until the tension with the neighbors die down. The savages were just looking for all excuses and things to complain about just to steer the attention away from the real problems in my apartment's compound -THEM!
Last night, I could tell if I was to feel relieved of not having Namida to worry about for a while or feel sad because again... I'm totally alone again.
And it's already december. If only I could fast forward to January 2012.
I spent last weekend at my friend's place in Antipolo... after asking him thrice. Yes, I really needeed to get away from the apartment hell of last week. And I needed... still do, actually... to have conversations. All week long, people in my apartment were going crazy. There were fights almost every single fucking day. And some idiots went as far as provoke me when I had nothing to do with their insanity.
The woman who lives right under my unit complained all sorts of silly stuff about the puppy I was taking care of. A neighbor told me that she was envious of me having a dog around.
I couldn't really comprehend how taking care of a dog could be envious. Especially when I really have nothing to get out of it. In the first place, Namida isn't even mine. She's my other neighbors' golden retriever. I took the responsibility of taking care of her because I too neeeded a therapy. You know... after a breakup, I need to learn how to care genuinely again.
But the routine? Nothing is glamourous and easy about taking care of a dog. You get up really early in the morning only to take the dog outside and let her do her thing... before you eat breakfast, you scoop poop. Is that something to envy about? There are tons of other things... sacrifices one needs to do in taking care of a dog.
And now, Namida's out of the picture. I don't know what will happen to her because her owners, the couple who also happens to have a baby, could not decide on what's next for Namida. She can't stay in my landlord's house forever. Told them, they either have to give her up for adoption... or they re-sell her... either way, we can all be sure she'll end up with people who will finally take care of her... love her.
As for the problems in my apartment... I doubt if any good would progress after Namida left... because the real problems are the abusive parasitic uneducated freaks living on the first floor units.
Three weeks ago... the Ex texted me out of the blue. He said he's moving out of our old apartment that saturday... asked me to pick up some of my stuff that I might still want to get.
I told him that I don't think there still are stuff i own that he still had with him that I'm still interested to get... reminded him that he was the one who took out my stuff outside the apartment when he was pressuring me to move every last stuff that I still had in there because his new lover was also moving in that same day.
And I did... I managed to pick up all my things he placed outside the door like trash that needed to be discarded immediately.
But anyway...
I told him that I could pass by and probably pick up some little stuff that I need not hire a cab to transport. I thought the gesture was to ask me to have at least one final talk. And I also thought that he could be asking me because he needed to lessen the stuff that he needed to bring.
By the time that I got there, it was at around 7pm... and it was empty... literally.
There were a few trash... useless stuff left on one corner. Old receipts I collected when we were still together, his old payslips both from TAPE and GMA that I too compiled... it's a habit i have. There was also a box of his own old photos. I don't know why he left it. There was also my old PC monitor... an old decorative basket prop... a worn out backpack he used to use a lot... and nothing more... just pieces of trash.
I was in a state I couldn't figure out what it was. I was so angry... like the way he made me during our breakup... I was shaking and fighting the urge of losing my self-control. But I too was so sad and I felt weak. Seeing the apartment we shared for almost five years like that... empty and abandoned... it was like a ghost. It felt like a blackhole sucking me into deep depression.
When I got back to my own apartment... I've been avoiding all urges to text the Ex and tell him how much of an asshole he is. But in a few hours I couldn't prevent myself anymore. I told him what he made me feel by convincing me to go there. I told him that I don't know if it was intentional that he did that or what his exact motives were but... whatever they were, I wanted him to know that he succeeded and hoped that it was enough to dissolve all remaining hate he had of me. I asked him that for the last time... that he would please never get in touch with me anymore... not acknowledge me if by accident we'd walk into each other in public. I told him that I don't want to know any whatsoever thing about him anymore.
But last week, in just one night... I walked not only into him... but him with his lover walking my dog Chichi and their other dog.
The last three weeks, I realized, could might as well represent my whole year of 2011. Me trying to get back on my feet... only to get dragged again by external representations of my old 'Ex' issues.
I just hope that it's gonna be a totally different season finally next year. I still need to get back my own life.
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