facebook status 20 hours ago
kahapon habang paalis ng paliparan sa NAIA naisip ko na matagal-tagal rin akong nagpalipad ng saranggola ng iba... naghatid ng mga umaalis... tumanaw para sa mga naglayag.
itong taon... marami rin namang unos na gumiba nung sistema ko...
nakapapagod... nakadudurog ng moral.
subalit nalampasang muli gaya ng marami na ring sigalot ng mundo ko.
nawa ang kinahulugan ko na ngayon ay isang dalisay na batis na wala nang humpay na aagos... raragasa.
12:13am facebook status update
a few minutes after the start of the new year would've been again a significant number in my life... in a parallel universe that would have made that other me the luckiest guy in the planet...
so, i'm just thankful to my cousins i'm not spending the new year alone... the way i had initially planned it... i need not make a big thing of what this few minutes after the new year would have meant in another time in my life.
facebook status 11: 44am
Never mind that I can't recall a long list of good things to smile back on in 2011... I love reading the good stuff you guys loved about your past year. This year i hope I could do the same.
I am glad that at least I still got my family to be there and erase for the moment every uncomfortable memory and meaning that I have of the turn of the year. And grateful to them for being there when my world ended a year ahead. I'm in a better place now.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
COLORS
I was dating this guy once. One day, he said... 'you should start wearing color' and made me realize that I was actually wearing either black, white, gray or any other subdued tones.
I love color. In fact, I love vibrant colored clothes... yellow, red and orange. I love purple and violet. I love prints and never shied away from wearing them even when some ignorant conservatives think I look like a drag.
But instead I told him that if I did, I 'd feel like a cheat... most specially to my self. Because inside that's not what I was... no colors... vibrance, none. In fact, the only thing interesting in my life that time was him.
I bought a shirt a few days after. It has the type of red I usually adore. But every time I was wearing it, I only got reminded that I bought it for him. And after we realized that it wasn't working out between us, the shirt became my slut shirt.
Yes, I too noticed that whenever I wear that shirt, I get attention more than the usual.
Recently, I have officially developed a love-hate affair with that shirt. Today, it reminds me of those suffocating months struggling to live alone again. I seldom wear the shirt now. It already served its purpose.
Weeks ago, I finally realized that I already love wearing color again. I was in the middle of this labor of love project and had no chance of going home. So I bought ukay on my way to a friend's house in Antipolo.
I bought a happy orange colored long sleeved shirt and I matched it with an equally happy light blue toned cotton pants that remind me of nurses' scrubs.
The other night, my neighbor told me that she noticed that I love green. Because my apartment is filled with all sorts of green tones. I never thought I love green that much especially on me. But yeah, I guess green makes me feel relaxed and embraced.
Today, I bought a flesh toned tee and I feel virginal. hahah. I'm officially in love with my colors again!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
the last three weeks...
It's been a while since visited my blogsite. I guess, I really only do when there's no one else I could talk to when I need one badly.
I have been looking for someone to talk to since last night. My 'foster pup' Namida was just taken by my landlord. She's staying with them for a while until the tension with the neighbors die down. The savages were just looking for all excuses and things to complain about just to steer the attention away from the real problems in my apartment's compound -THEM!
Last night, I could tell if I was to feel relieved of not having Namida to worry about for a while or feel sad because again... I'm totally alone again.
And it's already december. If only I could fast forward to January 2012.
I spent last weekend at my friend's place in Antipolo... after asking him thrice. Yes, I really needeed to get away from the apartment hell of last week. And I needed... still do, actually... to have conversations. All week long, people in my apartment were going crazy. There were fights almost every single fucking day. And some idiots went as far as provoke me when I had nothing to do with their insanity.
The woman who lives right under my unit complained all sorts of silly stuff about the puppy I was taking care of. A neighbor told me that she was envious of me having a dog around.
I couldn't really comprehend how taking care of a dog could be envious. Especially when I really have nothing to get out of it. In the first place, Namida isn't even mine. She's my other neighbors' golden retriever. I took the responsibility of taking care of her because I too neeeded a therapy. You know... after a breakup, I need to learn how to care genuinely again.
But the routine? Nothing is glamourous and easy about taking care of a dog. You get up really early in the morning only to take the dog outside and let her do her thing... before you eat breakfast, you scoop poop. Is that something to envy about? There are tons of other things... sacrifices one needs to do in taking care of a dog.
And now, Namida's out of the picture. I don't know what will happen to her because her owners, the couple who also happens to have a baby, could not decide on what's next for Namida. She can't stay in my landlord's house forever. Told them, they either have to give her up for adoption... or they re-sell her... either way, we can all be sure she'll end up with people who will finally take care of her... love her.
As for the problems in my apartment... I doubt if any good would progress after Namida left... because the real problems are the abusive parasitic uneducated freaks living on the first floor units.
Three weeks ago... the Ex texted me out of the blue. He said he's moving out of our old apartment that saturday... asked me to pick up some of my stuff that I might still want to get.
I told him that I don't think there still are stuff i own that he still had with him that I'm still interested to get... reminded him that he was the one who took out my stuff outside the apartment when he was pressuring me to move every last stuff that I still had in there because his new lover was also moving in that same day.
And I did... I managed to pick up all my things he placed outside the door like trash that needed to be discarded immediately.
But anyway...
I told him that I could pass by and probably pick up some little stuff that I need not hire a cab to transport. I thought the gesture was to ask me to have at least one final talk. And I also thought that he could be asking me because he needed to lessen the stuff that he needed to bring.
By the time that I got there, it was at around 7pm... and it was empty... literally.
There were a few trash... useless stuff left on one corner. Old receipts I collected when we were still together, his old payslips both from TAPE and GMA that I too compiled... it's a habit i have. There was also a box of his own old photos. I don't know why he left it. There was also my old PC monitor... an old decorative basket prop... a worn out backpack he used to use a lot... and nothing more... just pieces of trash.
I was in a state I couldn't figure out what it was. I was so angry... like the way he made me during our breakup... I was shaking and fighting the urge of losing my self-control. But I too was so sad and I felt weak. Seeing the apartment we shared for almost five years like that... empty and abandoned... it was like a ghost. It felt like a blackhole sucking me into deep depression.
When I got back to my own apartment... I've been avoiding all urges to text the Ex and tell him how much of an asshole he is. But in a few hours I couldn't prevent myself anymore. I told him what he made me feel by convincing me to go there. I told him that I don't know if it was intentional that he did that or what his exact motives were but... whatever they were, I wanted him to know that he succeeded and hoped that it was enough to dissolve all remaining hate he had of me. I asked him that for the last time... that he would please never get in touch with me anymore... not acknowledge me if by accident we'd walk into each other in public. I told him that I don't want to know any whatsoever thing about him anymore.
But last week, in just one night... I walked not only into him... but him with his lover walking my dog Chichi and their other dog.
The last three weeks, I realized, could might as well represent my whole year of 2011. Me trying to get back on my feet... only to get dragged again by external representations of my old 'Ex' issues.
I just hope that it's gonna be a totally different season finally next year. I still need to get back my own life.
I have been looking for someone to talk to since last night. My 'foster pup' Namida was just taken by my landlord. She's staying with them for a while until the tension with the neighbors die down. The savages were just looking for all excuses and things to complain about just to steer the attention away from the real problems in my apartment's compound -THEM!
Last night, I could tell if I was to feel relieved of not having Namida to worry about for a while or feel sad because again... I'm totally alone again.
And it's already december. If only I could fast forward to January 2012.
I spent last weekend at my friend's place in Antipolo... after asking him thrice. Yes, I really needeed to get away from the apartment hell of last week. And I needed... still do, actually... to have conversations. All week long, people in my apartment were going crazy. There were fights almost every single fucking day. And some idiots went as far as provoke me when I had nothing to do with their insanity.
The woman who lives right under my unit complained all sorts of silly stuff about the puppy I was taking care of. A neighbor told me that she was envious of me having a dog around.
I couldn't really comprehend how taking care of a dog could be envious. Especially when I really have nothing to get out of it. In the first place, Namida isn't even mine. She's my other neighbors' golden retriever. I took the responsibility of taking care of her because I too neeeded a therapy. You know... after a breakup, I need to learn how to care genuinely again.
But the routine? Nothing is glamourous and easy about taking care of a dog. You get up really early in the morning only to take the dog outside and let her do her thing... before you eat breakfast, you scoop poop. Is that something to envy about? There are tons of other things... sacrifices one needs to do in taking care of a dog.
And now, Namida's out of the picture. I don't know what will happen to her because her owners, the couple who also happens to have a baby, could not decide on what's next for Namida. She can't stay in my landlord's house forever. Told them, they either have to give her up for adoption... or they re-sell her... either way, we can all be sure she'll end up with people who will finally take care of her... love her.
As for the problems in my apartment... I doubt if any good would progress after Namida left... because the real problems are the abusive parasitic uneducated freaks living on the first floor units.
Three weeks ago... the Ex texted me out of the blue. He said he's moving out of our old apartment that saturday... asked me to pick up some of my stuff that I might still want to get.
I told him that I don't think there still are stuff i own that he still had with him that I'm still interested to get... reminded him that he was the one who took out my stuff outside the apartment when he was pressuring me to move every last stuff that I still had in there because his new lover was also moving in that same day.
And I did... I managed to pick up all my things he placed outside the door like trash that needed to be discarded immediately.
But anyway...
I told him that I could pass by and probably pick up some little stuff that I need not hire a cab to transport. I thought the gesture was to ask me to have at least one final talk. And I also thought that he could be asking me because he needed to lessen the stuff that he needed to bring.
By the time that I got there, it was at around 7pm... and it was empty... literally.
There were a few trash... useless stuff left on one corner. Old receipts I collected when we were still together, his old payslips both from TAPE and GMA that I too compiled... it's a habit i have. There was also a box of his own old photos. I don't know why he left it. There was also my old PC monitor... an old decorative basket prop... a worn out backpack he used to use a lot... and nothing more... just pieces of trash.
I was in a state I couldn't figure out what it was. I was so angry... like the way he made me during our breakup... I was shaking and fighting the urge of losing my self-control. But I too was so sad and I felt weak. Seeing the apartment we shared for almost five years like that... empty and abandoned... it was like a ghost. It felt like a blackhole sucking me into deep depression.
When I got back to my own apartment... I've been avoiding all urges to text the Ex and tell him how much of an asshole he is. But in a few hours I couldn't prevent myself anymore. I told him what he made me feel by convincing me to go there. I told him that I don't know if it was intentional that he did that or what his exact motives were but... whatever they were, I wanted him to know that he succeeded and hoped that it was enough to dissolve all remaining hate he had of me. I asked him that for the last time... that he would please never get in touch with me anymore... not acknowledge me if by accident we'd walk into each other in public. I told him that I don't want to know any whatsoever thing about him anymore.
But last week, in just one night... I walked not only into him... but him with his lover walking my dog Chichi and their other dog.
The last three weeks, I realized, could might as well represent my whole year of 2011. Me trying to get back on my feet... only to get dragged again by external representations of my old 'Ex' issues.
I just hope that it's gonna be a totally different season finally next year. I still need to get back my own life.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
death by a third party
(September 24 at 01:03:06 AM)
Got a little dragged by the death of the young lovers.
This has really got to be an eye opener to the "third wheels". You just don't fucking know the extent of the mess you make.
Go get your own fucking dick!
Got a little dragged by the death of the young lovers.
This has really got to be an eye opener to the "third wheels". You just don't fucking know the extent of the mess you make.
Go get your own fucking dick!
chatting
(September 23, 2011, 11:35:18 PM)
A member at PR said:
"is looking for a period, but enjoys the commas and semi-colons that come along the way. Ellipses are boring."
I said:
"Interesting man, but haven't you ever considered that periods are nothing but myths in relationships? Nope?
"Well, yeah, periods I guess in 'endings'... end of affairs... but periods in terms of 'finally finding the one' and 'keeping for life'... in my case, I don't think I can believe in it anymore.
"I would like to believe that as we accept the eventuality of an affair and bask in its warmth and sweetness, at the same time we all must accept along with it the reality of its ending. Thus, we need to anticipate... pain. Thus, life and love is a continuous journey... with pauses, yes... but it's gonna have to go on and on until each and everyone of us expires."
--------------------------------------------------
(September 23, 2011, 11:55:47 PM)
Guy: "Hey Howdy?"
pulangtuldok: "appreciating the rain."
Guy: "Haha... have you given them your applause already? their piece has just finished. getting bored by the minute. considering sleeping na.
pulangtuldok: "a day in the life of a plus one... early to bed on a friday night while all the worldly are out getting intoxicated. You look like the type who flirts with the young night though. I guess then, first impressions don't apply on you."
A member at PR said:
"is looking for a period, but enjoys the commas and semi-colons that come along the way. Ellipses are boring."
I said:
"Interesting man, but haven't you ever considered that periods are nothing but myths in relationships? Nope?
"Well, yeah, periods I guess in 'endings'... end of affairs... but periods in terms of 'finally finding the one' and 'keeping for life'... in my case, I don't think I can believe in it anymore.
"I would like to believe that as we accept the eventuality of an affair and bask in its warmth and sweetness, at the same time we all must accept along with it the reality of its ending. Thus, we need to anticipate... pain. Thus, life and love is a continuous journey... with pauses, yes... but it's gonna have to go on and on until each and everyone of us expires."
--------------------------------------------------
(September 23, 2011, 11:55:47 PM)
Guy: "Hey Howdy?"
pulangtuldok: "appreciating the rain."
Guy: "Haha... have you given them your applause already? their piece has just finished. getting bored by the minute. considering sleeping na.
pulangtuldok: "a day in the life of a plus one... early to bed on a friday night while all the worldly are out getting intoxicated. You look like the type who flirts with the young night though. I guess then, first impressions don't apply on you."
Random Episodes
(September 21, 2011, 01:32:12 AM)
The other night, I was talking for hours again with this guy I dig but now gradually accepting that we'll just gonna be kadas.
The second to the last call (at 1am), he had to cut off the conversation. His semi-bf sent a chat message at fb asking why he couldn't call him.
Awkward.
I told him 'it's okay, baka importante' and thought it was just ok (din sa sarili ko)... I thought.
After he ended the call... I felt a bit like a bf snatcher. After a couple of minutes he called me again. I was already submitting myself to the agony of trying to sleep.
We talked for a while. We said good night.
----------------------------
This afternoon, I was at PUP to talk to some of my Open U Profs. As usual, I want to look at least like a grown-up student. I changed my shirt.
What usually happens when I pull up my hair into a bun is that my dear Cambodian wish ring gets entangled in it. So I removed it in the stinky campus restroom and repeated what I was doing.
Hours after, I realized that it was missing. Broke my heart.
I'm no superstitious guy but I sort gotten attached to it. See, I have always wanted one for some reason. Kept asking for one from my other best friend who's based in Thailand but she keeps forgetting every time she comes home. Got my ring as a pasalubong from my cousins who went on vacation to Thailand and Cambodia early this year.
I don't know but the whole time I was keeping it, I sort of kept fantasizing that it's like a silent friend I talk to in my head sometimes and ask it to back me up each time I'm making a change for myself.
In desperation, I went back to the restroom to look for it. It was already night at that time and it wasn't there anymore. I decided to post on the mirror my contact number on a piece of paper, said it's a matter of sentimental significance to me.
After exiting the campus, I realized that I actually left my number for the whole restroom users to see. Damn!
Mindlessly, i went straight home, hoping I could still catch my landlord who was waiting for my month's rent payment. He texted 'bukas na lang'. I was already on the bus to Nova.
Thought if he only texted earlier, I would have gone to the grocery instead.
So, when I got off the bus and saw a salon still open, I went in and decided to have a haircut. Probably, I somehow blamed my hair for the loss of the ring.
When it was done, I thought to myself it looked great. But then as I passed by a glass panel and inspected it, I realized it wasn't really that great... just okay.
Walking myself home, I realized... darn, there you go pulangtuldok... photography 101 reminder for you. Why the hell would salons spend extra for good lighting, duh?
Was entertaining vanity for a while when I got inside my unit. Took a mirror and flipped my hair here and there. Thought there's a Rustom Padilla (Big Brother days) look... and there's a Liam Gallagher (circa mid 90s) look too and... a Fanny Serrano look as well.
So, where the hell was that longer version of a Zac Efron 'Do' the cutter was talking about?
-----------------------------
Was still a bit fascinated with the odd-looking hairstyle that looks more like a taupe when I received a text message.
It was 'The Ex'. He was asking if we could see each other sometime and have a drink.
Felt drained all of the sudden. I actually still have this tiny ache in my core right now that I also felt after reading it.
Texted my other best friend. She said 'Karma on the loose! Ask him what he wants'. Told her I can't.
And I really can't.
I can't afford to lose my ally in me. Because I always feel like I'm guilty for all the wrong things that's happening to him even when I know that I have no longer anything to do with what he's doing now to himself. Just as I have already began to convince myself that whatever issues that I'm facing now is my own... alone.
I just have achieved alcohol-free induced sleeps lately. I'm fighting the urge to drown myself in alcohol again tonight.
The other night, I was talking for hours again with this guy I dig but now gradually accepting that we'll just gonna be kadas.
The second to the last call (at 1am), he had to cut off the conversation. His semi-bf sent a chat message at fb asking why he couldn't call him.
Awkward.
I told him 'it's okay, baka importante' and thought it was just ok (din sa sarili ko)... I thought.
After he ended the call... I felt a bit like a bf snatcher. After a couple of minutes he called me again. I was already submitting myself to the agony of trying to sleep.
We talked for a while. We said good night.
----------------------------
This afternoon, I was at PUP to talk to some of my Open U Profs. As usual, I want to look at least like a grown-up student. I changed my shirt.
What usually happens when I pull up my hair into a bun is that my dear Cambodian wish ring gets entangled in it. So I removed it in the stinky campus restroom and repeated what I was doing.
Hours after, I realized that it was missing. Broke my heart.
I'm no superstitious guy but I sort gotten attached to it. See, I have always wanted one for some reason. Kept asking for one from my other best friend who's based in Thailand but she keeps forgetting every time she comes home. Got my ring as a pasalubong from my cousins who went on vacation to Thailand and Cambodia early this year.
I don't know but the whole time I was keeping it, I sort of kept fantasizing that it's like a silent friend I talk to in my head sometimes and ask it to back me up each time I'm making a change for myself.
In desperation, I went back to the restroom to look for it. It was already night at that time and it wasn't there anymore. I decided to post on the mirror my contact number on a piece of paper, said it's a matter of sentimental significance to me.
After exiting the campus, I realized that I actually left my number for the whole restroom users to see. Damn!
Mindlessly, i went straight home, hoping I could still catch my landlord who was waiting for my month's rent payment. He texted 'bukas na lang'. I was already on the bus to Nova.
Thought if he only texted earlier, I would have gone to the grocery instead.
So, when I got off the bus and saw a salon still open, I went in and decided to have a haircut. Probably, I somehow blamed my hair for the loss of the ring.
When it was done, I thought to myself it looked great. But then as I passed by a glass panel and inspected it, I realized it wasn't really that great... just okay.
Walking myself home, I realized... darn, there you go pulangtuldok... photography 101 reminder for you. Why the hell would salons spend extra for good lighting, duh?
Was entertaining vanity for a while when I got inside my unit. Took a mirror and flipped my hair here and there. Thought there's a Rustom Padilla (Big Brother days) look... and there's a Liam Gallagher (circa mid 90s) look too and... a Fanny Serrano look as well.
So, where the hell was that longer version of a Zac Efron 'Do' the cutter was talking about?
-----------------------------
Was still a bit fascinated with the odd-looking hairstyle that looks more like a taupe when I received a text message.
It was 'The Ex'. He was asking if we could see each other sometime and have a drink.
Felt drained all of the sudden. I actually still have this tiny ache in my core right now that I also felt after reading it.
Texted my other best friend. She said 'Karma on the loose! Ask him what he wants'. Told her I can't.
And I really can't.
I can't afford to lose my ally in me. Because I always feel like I'm guilty for all the wrong things that's happening to him even when I know that I have no longer anything to do with what he's doing now to himself. Just as I have already began to convince myself that whatever issues that I'm facing now is my own... alone.
I just have achieved alcohol-free induced sleeps lately. I'm fighting the urge to drown myself in alcohol again tonight.
You Ought To Know
(September 19, 2011, 06:17:48 PM)
Just a matter of time I guess before 'the Ex' and his bitch call it quits.
He added another boylet (in facebook) who's also in my network. It's one of the things he did when things were starting to fall apart between us. And he did it openly. Now he's at it again.
I wonder how 'the Bitch' reacts to it.
'The Ex' removed all his accounts in all hookup sites when they began dating openly, something he never did when we were just starting out. Now, I think he's back.
Oh, well... not that it concerns me. But I somehow wish I could feel at least a bit of joy in it.
There's none. I should be my ally but I guess my rational has always been independent from my subjective self... who always loses to rational me. Fuck!
Haah... theme song of the day -'You Ought to Know' again!
Just a matter of time I guess before 'the Ex' and his bitch call it quits.
He added another boylet (in facebook) who's also in my network. It's one of the things he did when things were starting to fall apart between us. And he did it openly. Now he's at it again.
I wonder how 'the Bitch' reacts to it.
'The Ex' removed all his accounts in all hookup sites when they began dating openly, something he never did when we were just starting out. Now, I think he's back.
Oh, well... not that it concerns me. But I somehow wish I could feel at least a bit of joy in it.
There's none. I should be my ally but I guess my rational has always been independent from my subjective self... who always loses to rational me. Fuck!
Haah... theme song of the day -'You Ought to Know' again!
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