COUGAR LEGEND
These days I’ve been attempting to take a chance in dating younger guys. Yes, even them I consider kids actually (translate: boys younger than my youngest cousin who’s now 21)… but not quite down that age bracket… but why not, too.
I didn’t know exactly why I was letting myself into it for months now until I mentioned it in a phone conversation with one 24-year old. That’s when I realized why I think I should also have faith in finding a suitable partner in mature and sensible younger men.
Yes, ‘Men’.
It dawned on me as I was explaining to this guy why I bother checking out boys his age that I too, was so much into older men a decade ago. Like ten-to-fifteen-years-older older men. And I had partners who were that much older than me in my 20s.
Prior to him asking me, I first asked him why he’s trying to be different preferring older men instead of the fitness first factory-made chinito looking bleached Korean hairdo-ed 20-something ‘Bi’(yot) and discreet (kuno) clones. He said, he couldn’t relate to them.
Fair enough I thought… although I still felt a bit uncomfortable with his stereotype hipster look… that’s somehow become a trauma to me since my recent experience with the Ex (breaking up with me for a younger in-crowd artsy hipster trash).
But going back to my realization in the middle of my conversation with the 24-year old…
To me, it was not just the usual illusion that I’d be able to find a suitable guy (suitable meaning mature older man) to be with but more likely because I’ve always felt that I have more mature sensibilities than most people my age and had no patience with them at all.
I thought, he was like me… I mean the 24-year old I was flirting with on the phone. He was so good in writing his blog entries and thought this one was a good candidate.
But… he turned out to be just another kid wanting to have sex with an older guy. Bleh!
That didn’t discourage me, though. So far, I’ve gone as far as chatting online with a few and even took one home.
It was a huge mistake though. He was just a kid inside that gorgeous and seemingly matured exterior. I let him jack-off before sending him home. Thought I owe him that at least.
But the quest for considering the age bracket in the inclusivity still stands to this day.
I still feel that I should consider. Or perhaps, it’s because I realize too, that at my age… the search for a potential partner is becoming a challenge.
Used to be a grown girl’s thing… but these days… it’s also become a grown gay man’s as well.
We all know that people normally get hitched or just settle down monogamously sometime in their 20’s… and one of the causes of the ‘doormat phenomenon’ is the fear of ending up single for the rest of one’s miserable life if she or even he (now) decides to break up and dare take on the uncertain long and winding road again. So, one normally decides to bear the misery of a toxic union, thinking that at least… she/he lives the rest of the miserable life with someone.
Until… the couple realizes in the eleventh hour that they’re already killing each other will they abruptly break it off and the new cycle begins. The more affected one drowns in abysmal misery and the one who’s doing better enjoys the new life back in the game. I know this very well, trust me. Tseh!!!
But anyway…
Going back to the original topic. The reason why I even bothered mentioning that is to give stress to a point. And the point is… that people your age are more likely already taken and/or trying to bear the downsides of their relationships because they pretty much got an idea too of how it is to be in your shoes.
So, you’re left with fewer options… but behind the temptation to settle on ‘any-any’ you know better now to stick to the game… and painfully wait to meet the right one.
Until… you realize that you can expand your clause. Bam!
My theory of this ‘cougar phenomenon’, thank you.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Carrie in Enid's 'Waiting Pool'
for the first time, someone had the guts to comment directly on an entry on my blog. Normally, I get private messages. most of the time, they are people I never even was previously acquainted with.
even some friends who read my rants from time to time don't even dare post their comments.
So, i chuckled on this new development. And i excitedly composed this reply.
"just read your comment and hahah... we don't really need to box ourselves in categories. Even sluts have different reasons for being so. ;)
anyway... hoping for some views at PR also has more to it than just plain vanity.
hahah...
you see, sometimes you tend to think that at a certain age, you already understand sexual politics inside and out... but unexpected things happen and you find yourself with your jaw dropped in disbelief. you then crawl back to the dance hall of the crazy dating games with a bruised ego and a tired heart.
you realize that you thought you knew these games but the truth is... no one really does. and no one will ever learn. At least that's what i think.
the games never change, yeah... but they vary. and the next time you're in it... it's most likely not the same as the last one you played.
so... again, you subject yourself to the things you swore you'd never ever do again. and when pride looks you in the eye with the ugliest mocking smile... you just say 'bitch! outta my way. i'm on a mission.'
just now... i suddenly hear Enid (Carrie's Vogue Boss) saying "...what are you doing in my waiting pool?"
LOL
you're just 25... why in the world are you ranting my rants... hahahah!"
even some friends who read my rants from time to time don't even dare post their comments.
So, i chuckled on this new development. And i excitedly composed this reply.
"just read your comment and hahah... we don't really need to box ourselves in categories. Even sluts have different reasons for being so. ;)
anyway... hoping for some views at PR also has more to it than just plain vanity.
hahah...
you see, sometimes you tend to think that at a certain age, you already understand sexual politics inside and out... but unexpected things happen and you find yourself with your jaw dropped in disbelief. you then crawl back to the dance hall of the crazy dating games with a bruised ego and a tired heart.
you realize that you thought you knew these games but the truth is... no one really does. and no one will ever learn. At least that's what i think.
the games never change, yeah... but they vary. and the next time you're in it... it's most likely not the same as the last one you played.
so... again, you subject yourself to the things you swore you'd never ever do again. and when pride looks you in the eye with the ugliest mocking smile... you just say 'bitch! outta my way. i'm on a mission.'
just now... i suddenly hear Enid (Carrie's Vogue Boss) saying "...what are you doing in my waiting pool?"
LOL
you're just 25... why in the world are you ranting my rants... hahahah!"
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
OH VALENTINE… YOU BASTARD VALENTINE YOU!
I spent two days with a friend in Cubao. I was just relieved that I didn’t have to endure the escalating pressure of yet another get-together tradition alone and stuck here in my apartment.
I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.
8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.
Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.
And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.
But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished
I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.
It’s still valentines day, I told myself.
With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.
Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.
And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.
Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.
Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.
There, I said it all. No more… no less.
I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.
That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.
Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?
I didn’t get any.
Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.
Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.
Hmp…
Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.
I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.
8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.
Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.
And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.
But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished
I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.
It’s still valentines day, I told myself.
With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.
Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.
And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.
Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.
Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.
There, I said it all. No more… no less.
I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.
That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.
Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?
I didn’t get any.
Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.
Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.
Hmp…
Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Up Somewhere In The Air
...Can't connect to what I watched today... 'UP IN THE AIR' for the N-th time... but I find myself relating to it... somehow.
...saved a few lines from the film,
"You know... by the time you're 34, all those physical requirements just go out the window...
...you may not understand that now but believe me you will one day...
...and a nice smile... yeah, a nice smile. Nice smile just might do."
...and a while ago, I scolded a prick in a GBT site and said
"I'm gonna be honest...
truth is... most of the time, the 'zup!!!!!' and 'what you up to?????'
on-your-face-hit doesn't impress people.
you're quite a looker already, no need to 'try' to be cool.
and to follow it up with 'what?' (now)... and somehow demanding a total stranger to give you his location... ends whatever interest he might have for you.
that, kiddo is an unsolicited advice from a fairly experienced adult.
now, do better and be nice and intellectually interesting... instead of trying to be 'down'. goodbye"
of course he answered me with
"wow ang gwapo mo tol
ashole
fuck you"
before blocking me so that I couldn't respond to that.
...and last, I got a new favorite song, it keeps playing in my mind all day. It's called 'Help Yourself' and here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZudzJQfx8vk&feature=related
...saved a few lines from the film,
"You know... by the time you're 34, all those physical requirements just go out the window...
...you may not understand that now but believe me you will one day...
...and a nice smile... yeah, a nice smile. Nice smile just might do."
...and a while ago, I scolded a prick in a GBT site and said
"I'm gonna be honest...
truth is... most of the time, the 'zup!!!!!' and 'what you up to?????'
on-your-face-hit doesn't impress people.
you're quite a looker already, no need to 'try' to be cool.
and to follow it up with 'what?' (now)... and somehow demanding a total stranger to give you his location... ends whatever interest he might have for you.
that, kiddo is an unsolicited advice from a fairly experienced adult.
now, do better and be nice and intellectually interesting... instead of trying to be 'down'. goodbye"
of course he answered me with
"wow ang gwapo mo tol
ashole
fuck you"
before blocking me so that I couldn't respond to that.
...and last, I got a new favorite song, it keeps playing in my mind all day. It's called 'Help Yourself' and here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZudzJQfx8vk&feature=related
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
GUY SHOPPING PROFILING STYLE
Some kid i was chatting with in a GBT site was trying to give me an advice... and I went along since he's really hot. He's 23 by the way.
But he mentioned something that really made me think. You see, you can go to a gallery there and choose from like hundreds and thousands of profiles to flirt with... send pa-cute messages... etc.
Each page has like 20 profiles and in a day there are an average of 15 to 20 pages in the gallery. So, imagine yourself pushing a shopping cart and picking whoever you like.
Anyway... so, this younger guy was telling me that if my intention is to get a quick fix and don't really mind who it is as long as I get laid... hit the ones who are in the most recent numbers... meaning profiles in pages 1 to 3... or 5. Now, if i'm the desperate type who can't book a hook up... go for the last several numbers... meaning... the ones who have been logged in for hours and hours now. He say's these guys are most likely the same 'losers'.
And then he adds, 'now if you really want to get to know guys who are serious or if not, guys who are really picky and got the right to be, go for the ones in the middle pages'.
I thought it was funny and how could he have come up with such theory. But after getting tired of each others' blahs... it made me realize that... put that theory in a more friendly and unprejudiced way... it kind of makes sense.
hahah!
But he mentioned something that really made me think. You see, you can go to a gallery there and choose from like hundreds and thousands of profiles to flirt with... send pa-cute messages... etc.
Each page has like 20 profiles and in a day there are an average of 15 to 20 pages in the gallery. So, imagine yourself pushing a shopping cart and picking whoever you like.
Anyway... so, this younger guy was telling me that if my intention is to get a quick fix and don't really mind who it is as long as I get laid... hit the ones who are in the most recent numbers... meaning profiles in pages 1 to 3... or 5. Now, if i'm the desperate type who can't book a hook up... go for the last several numbers... meaning... the ones who have been logged in for hours and hours now. He say's these guys are most likely the same 'losers'.
And then he adds, 'now if you really want to get to know guys who are serious or if not, guys who are really picky and got the right to be, go for the ones in the middle pages'.
I thought it was funny and how could he have come up with such theory. But after getting tired of each others' blahs... it made me realize that... put that theory in a more friendly and unprejudiced way... it kind of makes sense.
hahah!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
year turn reflections
facebook status 20 hours ago
kahapon habang paalis ng paliparan sa NAIA naisip ko na matagal-tagal rin akong nagpalipad ng saranggola ng iba... naghatid ng mga umaalis... tumanaw para sa mga naglayag.
itong taon... marami rin namang unos na gumiba nung sistema ko...
nakapapagod... nakadudurog ng moral.
subalit nalampasang muli gaya ng marami na ring sigalot ng mundo ko.
nawa ang kinahulugan ko na ngayon ay isang dalisay na batis na wala nang humpay na aagos... raragasa.
12:13am facebook status update
a few minutes after the start of the new year would've been again a significant number in my life... in a parallel universe that would have made that other me the luckiest guy in the planet...
so, i'm just thankful to my cousins i'm not spending the new year alone... the way i had initially planned it... i need not make a big thing of what this few minutes after the new year would have meant in another time in my life.
facebook status 11: 44am
Never mind that I can't recall a long list of good things to smile back on in 2011... I love reading the good stuff you guys loved about your past year. This year i hope I could do the same.
I am glad that at least I still got my family to be there and erase for the moment every uncomfortable memory and meaning that I have of the turn of the year. And grateful to them for being there when my world ended a year ahead. I'm in a better place now.
kahapon habang paalis ng paliparan sa NAIA naisip ko na matagal-tagal rin akong nagpalipad ng saranggola ng iba... naghatid ng mga umaalis... tumanaw para sa mga naglayag.
itong taon... marami rin namang unos na gumiba nung sistema ko...
nakapapagod... nakadudurog ng moral.
subalit nalampasang muli gaya ng marami na ring sigalot ng mundo ko.
nawa ang kinahulugan ko na ngayon ay isang dalisay na batis na wala nang humpay na aagos... raragasa.
12:13am facebook status update
a few minutes after the start of the new year would've been again a significant number in my life... in a parallel universe that would have made that other me the luckiest guy in the planet...
so, i'm just thankful to my cousins i'm not spending the new year alone... the way i had initially planned it... i need not make a big thing of what this few minutes after the new year would have meant in another time in my life.
facebook status 11: 44am
Never mind that I can't recall a long list of good things to smile back on in 2011... I love reading the good stuff you guys loved about your past year. This year i hope I could do the same.
I am glad that at least I still got my family to be there and erase for the moment every uncomfortable memory and meaning that I have of the turn of the year. And grateful to them for being there when my world ended a year ahead. I'm in a better place now.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
COLORS
I was dating this guy once. One day, he said... 'you should start wearing color' and made me realize that I was actually wearing either black, white, gray or any other subdued tones.
I love color. In fact, I love vibrant colored clothes... yellow, red and orange. I love purple and violet. I love prints and never shied away from wearing them even when some ignorant conservatives think I look like a drag.
But instead I told him that if I did, I 'd feel like a cheat... most specially to my self. Because inside that's not what I was... no colors... vibrance, none. In fact, the only thing interesting in my life that time was him.
I bought a shirt a few days after. It has the type of red I usually adore. But every time I was wearing it, I only got reminded that I bought it for him. And after we realized that it wasn't working out between us, the shirt became my slut shirt.
Yes, I too noticed that whenever I wear that shirt, I get attention more than the usual.
Recently, I have officially developed a love-hate affair with that shirt. Today, it reminds me of those suffocating months struggling to live alone again. I seldom wear the shirt now. It already served its purpose.
Weeks ago, I finally realized that I already love wearing color again. I was in the middle of this labor of love project and had no chance of going home. So I bought ukay on my way to a friend's house in Antipolo.
I bought a happy orange colored long sleeved shirt and I matched it with an equally happy light blue toned cotton pants that remind me of nurses' scrubs.
The other night, my neighbor told me that she noticed that I love green. Because my apartment is filled with all sorts of green tones. I never thought I love green that much especially on me. But yeah, I guess green makes me feel relaxed and embraced.
Today, I bought a flesh toned tee and I feel virginal. hahah. I'm officially in love with my colors again!
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