Inked on my ink

I may have been getting to know more guys these days (and have dated some of them consecutively) compared to all my earlier years as a gay man combined.

Still don’t really think it’s being slutty. I guess it’s the intent that separates the ‘simply slutty’ from the ‘practical liberal’.

I’m not even ashamed to let people know that I actually think that dating inclusively is healthy…again, especially when you’re not getting any younger. Yes, this is still very much a part of the new attitude I’m applying to myself.


Everyone’s fixated with youth (and I still can’t get around with it) and the ones of my age who are still (or back) in the game are desperate to look their best to snag that remaining few who pass their qualification.

I can’t be forced to do that.

I too have an extent in the vanity department but it’s really all about me and no guy can ever motivate me to join the ‘fitness first factory-made ken sex doll clones parade’.

I bank on my own assets. If they don’t work… they don’t work, so… next one please. I want to be wanted and appreciated for simply my basic me, not on what I can put on or try to be and/or look like.

There are times however… when a guy strikes you so hard and you suddenly feel like a little schoolgirl giggling and wanting to know him… flirt with him… be with him more and more.

It seldom happens in my universe though. It’s just that recently, there’s this… well, yes… another skinhead guy… and darn! I really tried so hard not to get attracted to these bare-heads anymore… but yeah, my bad… I know, they’re my kryptonite.

Kept telling myself that there’s really something psychological in sporting the skinhead that connotes to being conservative and anti-innovative.

But reeeeeally… this one, I lost my wits for a while and I let down my guard and risked letting my hidden desperation fall out of the bag.

Oh yeah… he saw all of it. What can I do? I’m also such a sucker for really awesome tats!


Okay… when I got sober… and man, I really did force myself to avoid getting in touch with him for a while but knew inside me that I will eventually have to face it… I knew it was the end of the fantasy.


But no, not really a total ‘WongkarWai’ ending, I always get something good out of every misfortune. Got a new entry again on my morals book you know. Blah!

You see, I never even met this tattooed guy personally. But it’s like, I felt that I really wanted him… yes, ‘this one’ for myself… for keeps. Uh huh… he had that kind of effect.

Darn that unlimited internet and airconditioning for several days that I had when I stayed in Carl’s unit, it might have had something to do with me acting weird and saying stuff I normally wouldn’t.

Met him in, yeah… the same lousy GBT site I still content myself making use of in meeting more guys and finding good candidates. But to me, he really stood out. I started with my usual easy compliments and he indulged.

In no time, I was discovering more and more pogi points he’s got and before I realize it, I was too intoxicated by him.

From the GBT site, we resumed our chitchats in FB and YM. And everyday, I’d find myself waking up excited to go online and see if I got a message from him… which didn’t come very often.

That was the early sign.

Did keep note of it but didn’t really paid much attention.


I too was amazed at myself for flattering him that much. And I guess, it was entertaining for him… he basked in that summerlike awesome tan I showered him.

Not bitter, no… I just gave what I really wanted to give. No issue with that.

But by the time I finally decided to stop it and see what normalcy would prompt him to do… and find out how I truly fared to him… I sensed that it was all he wanted… the flood of compliments in this time of drought.

I still wish there was more. But yes, to conclude… I tried a few more stuff to draw it out from him… hoping that he’s just that type who only needs an itsy bitsy more encouragement to be able to express what he truly feels without feeling ashamed.

Nada. (sigh)

And I only realized what I was actually looking for and the reason for all of the gaga… when I was texting (with) him... the last of which was last night.

You see, he kept on telling me even when we were still chatting online that I just flatter him and he just don’t fall for that.

Yes, fair enough. I too, wouldn’t get myself carried away by sugar sweet words.

He said that I’m just a writer who knows how to concoct the right combination of words and make them sound charming… but again, no real bearing.

Yes. I agree with him on that too. I would only figure out a guy genuinely when we get to meet eventually and talk.

But it’s really not the point!

Let’s set aside the craziness I admit to have made him uncomfortable.

What I realized that was missing… and yeah, the reason probably why I went as far as I did… was that feeling of reciprocity.

Probably deep in me, I was anticipating for the same excitement from him… that he wanted to get to know me that much as well… that he’s also very much attracted to me… that he wanted to meet me so bad he’d ask us to meet without me leading him to do so… and that I would feel it in my guts that he feels that I could probably be ‘the one’.

That wasn’t there.

And that’s what made me step back.


Good thing, I thought of opening and reading our FB conversations and copy-pasting our YM chat as a document to use as a reference one day for a scene on an episode for a TV show concept about the life and dating games of single LGBTs (pathetic, huh?)… I got the chance to review the track of our conversations. And that’s how I got myself into this line of thought.

I recall in one of our earlier conversations… he told me to ‘fire away, ask me anything’. I said… ‘but that’s really not the way I truly get to know people’ and the reason why I wanted to see and read his FB wall.

For me, it’s not the ‘whats’ that make me get to know people… it’s the ‘hows’. It’s on how people converse… respond in conversations… contribute in conversations… the tone… the expressions used and directions people lead conversations to that tell me more about them than who they voluntarily say they are and what they do.

And in life, I learned to read between the lines… and find out more probabilities behind the simple texts. There actually is a lot more to learn from there than what people simply say.

Last night, I told him that if he can’t express more than he already did… then more likely, that’s all there is that he has in response to everything that I felt towards him.

And that’s not particularly the type of reciprocity I hope to find from a guy I really want to meet.

In his message last night he said ‘I don’t wanna invest any emotion unless I met you, that’s our difference’. His last text message this morning he said ‘I’d love to know you more but I can’t be romantic with someone I barely know’.

To me… there really aren’t any investments to be made yet in this early course of getting to know… so, I don’t really see anything to worry about in expressing one’s real responses on conversations with a guy who already is doing it for him.

In this stage, it’s just a matter of finding out the weight of attraction present that could say a lot about the real need for going to the next phase which is the part where two people eventually meet each other… the real first investment.

So again, I guess that just indicated that I was more into him. And I must admit that… that’s not good enough for me… even when there’s this thing in my gut saying… ‘you could probably make an exception again… just one last time, no? You might regret it, you know’.

Ugh! I really hate it when that happens.


Earlier this week, I posted something on my FB wall asking if it’s worthwhile to keep pursuing a single guy who most probably just see you as a distraction. It was meant for guys like him that I’ve met recently.

Because I feel that this time I really got to find someone who truly wants to get to know me more… because he’s that very much drawn to me.

Apparently, I am still in that process of being challenged to make the same compromises I used to do in another lifetime.

And with this one, it’s really stirring up so much contradiction inside me. Part of me is saying that ‘the signs are there, c’mon… he has that same qualities as the Ex and thatstark difference in lifestyle and set of sensibilities should spell out the obvious enough’… while the other part of me is saying ‘throw caution to the wind’, he’s definitely your type… period’.

Anyway… I guess this is a classic example of ‘you’re too emotionally available’ kind of situation.

Would this mean that if I ever be the bad guy to my rational side again and pursue him and we’d get as far as dating… will he eventually say that to me? Because it was already there in the first place? And I should’ve followed my instincts. ‘He’s simply just not that into you’? And I already should’ve known that?

Must I think that if I should follow the right indication… is it what I have been concluding the past few days? That it should be as early as the beginning that he could’ve already displayed ‘good enough’responses?

I guess, now… in a final attempt, I’m goin’ to have to incubate this for a little while more. Maybe the inked man would cease to have an issue with my ink. Maybe he won’t.


I am my ink. I can’t be without it, it wouldn’t be me. So it all boils down to the appreciation of me being who I basically am or nothing at all.

But darn... i really want that inked!

there's more to being simply branded as Palikero...

dapat talaga, sa totohanan... kapag nanliligaw ka... lalo na't l/g/b/t ka... dapat sabay-sabay. may ilang pagpipilian.

walang personalan. hindi sa bastusan o anuman.

hindi kasi positibo ang dulot ng isahan, laluna't kung basted ang hantong.

hindi rin makatarungan na ang nililigawan mo ay maraming opsiyon at ikaw siya lang hanggang bastedin ka. dapat may mga pagpipilian ka rin at nang makagawa ng mas matalinong pasya... laluna sa panahon ngayong lahat ay temporal.

maikli lang ang buhay. madali lang magbago ang mga bagay. wala kang ibang pag-aari kundi ang sarili. hindi mo sakop ang desisyon ng ibang tao... kahit pa karelasyon. dapat ay praktikal at walang konserbatismo.


(some thoughts about the phenomenon of 'the back-up plan')

This Season's Fish Harvest

It's quite amusing to me seeing men (both straight and not) have been trying (and still trying) to pump up... quite too hard in the last several months (or weeks)... and to think (and i bet most of them would deny) that the real reasons are just basically everything that has to do with looking competitive in the beach scene market... and of course, the photo ops... for facebook.

Then, after all the works (glutathione, hairstyle ...and coloring too for some, tats and the über overalls... and slammin bags and equipment) and you get to talk to them... ang pinaka-importanteng baon (and investment) ang nakalimutan.

Smarts.

Hello? Anyone in there?

The more pathetic are the older ones actually... the younger ones can always have the excuse that they're still too young to develop mature sensibilities and interesting personality.

cougar legend

COUGAR LEGEND


These days I’ve been attempting to take a chance in dating younger guys. Yes, even them I consider kids actually (translate: boys younger than my youngest cousin who’s now 21)… but not quite down that age bracket… but why not, too.

I didn’t know exactly why I was letting myself into it for months now until I mentioned it in a phone conversation with one 24-year old. That’s when I realized why I think I should also have faith in finding a suitable partner in mature and sensible younger men.

Yes, ‘Men’.

It dawned on me as I was explaining to this guy why I bother checking out boys his age that I too, was so much into older men a decade ago. Like ten-to-fifteen-years-older older men. And I had partners who were that much older than me in my 20s.

Prior to him asking me, I first asked him why he’s trying to be different preferring older men instead of the fitness first factory-made chinito looking bleached Korean hairdo-ed 20-something ‘Bi’(yot) and discreet (kuno) clones. He said, he couldn’t relate to them.

Fair enough I thought… although I still felt a bit uncomfortable with his stereotype hipster look… that’s somehow become a trauma to me since my recent experience with the Ex (breaking up with me for a younger in-crowd artsy hipster trash).

But going back to my realization in the middle of my conversation with the 24-year old…


To me, it was not just the usual illusion that I’d be able to find a suitable guy (suitable meaning mature older man) to be with but more likely because I’ve always felt that I have more mature sensibilities than most people my age and had no patience with them at all.

I thought, he was like me… I mean the 24-year old I was flirting with on the phone. He was so good in writing his blog entries and thought this one was a good candidate.

But… he turned out to be just another kid wanting to have sex with an older guy. Bleh!


That didn’t discourage me, though. So far, I’ve gone as far as chatting online with a few and even took one home.

It was a huge mistake though. He was just a kid inside that gorgeous and seemingly matured exterior. I let him jack-off before sending him home. Thought I owe him that at least.

But the quest for considering the age bracket in the inclusivity still stands to this day.

I still feel that I should consider. Or perhaps, it’s because I realize too, that at my age… the search for a potential partner is becoming a challenge.

Used to be a grown girl’s thing… but these days… it’s also become a grown gay man’s as well.

We all know that people normally get hitched or just settle down monogamously sometime in their 20’s… and one of the causes of the ‘doormat phenomenon’ is the fear of ending up single for the rest of one’s miserable life if she or even he (now) decides to break up and dare take on the uncertain long and winding road again. So, one normally decides to bear the misery of a toxic union, thinking that at least… she/he lives the rest of the miserable life with someone.

Until… the couple realizes in the eleventh hour that they’re already killing each other will they abruptly break it off and the new cycle begins. The more affected one drowns in abysmal misery and the one who’s doing better enjoys the new life back in the game. I know this very well, trust me. Tseh!!!

But anyway…


Going back to the original topic. The reason why I even bothered mentioning that is to give stress to a point. And the point is… that people your age are more likely already taken and/or trying to bear the downsides of their relationships because they pretty much got an idea too of how it is to be in your shoes.

So, you’re left with fewer options… but behind the temptation to settle on ‘any-any’ you know better now to stick to the game… and painfully wait to meet the right one.

Until… you realize that you can expand your clause. Bam!

My theory of this ‘cougar phenomenon’, thank you.

Carrie in Enid's 'Waiting Pool'

for the first time, someone had the guts to comment directly on an entry on my blog. Normally, I get private messages. most of the time, they are people I never even was previously acquainted with.

even some friends who read my rants from time to time don't even dare post their comments.

So, i chuckled on this new development. And i excitedly composed this reply.


"just read your comment and hahah... we don't really need to box ourselves in categories. Even sluts have different reasons for being so. ;)

anyway... hoping for some views at PR also has more to it than just plain vanity.

hahah...


you see, sometimes you tend to think that at a certain age, you already understand sexual politics inside and out... but unexpected things happen and you find yourself with your jaw dropped in disbelief. you then crawl back to the dance hall of the crazy dating games with a bruised ego and a tired heart.


you realize that you thought you knew these games but the truth is... no one really does. and no one will ever learn. At least that's what i think.

the games never change, yeah... but they vary. and the next time you're in it... it's most likely not the same as the last one you played.

so... again, you subject yourself to the things you swore you'd never ever do again. and when pride looks you in the eye with the ugliest mocking smile... you just say 'bitch! outta my way. i'm on a mission.'


just now... i suddenly hear Enid (Carrie's Vogue Boss) saying "...what are you doing in my waiting pool?"

LOL

you're just 25... why in the world are you ranting my rants... hahahah!"

OH VALENTINE… YOU BASTARD VALENTINE YOU!

I spent two days with a friend in Cubao. I was just relieved that I didn’t have to endure the escalating pressure of yet another get-together tradition alone and stuck here in my apartment.

I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.

8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.

Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.

And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.


But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished


I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.

It’s still valentines day, I told myself.

With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.

Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.


And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.


Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.

Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.

There, I said it all. No more… no less.

I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.

That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.


Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?

I didn’t get any.

Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.

Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.

Hmp…

Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.

Up Somewhere In The Air

...Can't connect to what I watched today... 'UP IN THE AIR' for the N-th time... but I find myself relating to it... somehow.



...saved a few lines from the film,

"‎You know... by the time you're 34, all those physical requirements just go out the window...

...you may not understand that now but believe me you will one day...

...and a nice smile... yeah, a nice smile. Nice smile just might do."


...and a while ago, I scolded a prick in a GBT site and said

"I'm gonna be honest...

truth is... most of the time, the 'zup!!!!!' and 'what you up to?????'
on-your-face-hit doesn't impress people.

you're quite a looker already, no need to 'try' to be cool.

and to follow it up with 'what?' (now)... and somehow demanding a total stranger to give you his location... ends whatever interest he might have for you.

that, kiddo is an unsolicited advice from a fairly experienced adult.

now, do better and be nice and intellectually interesting... instead of trying to be 'down'. goodbye"


of course he answered me with

"wow ang gwapo mo tol

ashole
fuck you"


before blocking me so that I couldn't respond to that.


...and last, I got a new favorite song, it keeps playing in my mind all day. It's called 'Help Yourself' and here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZudzJQfx8vk&feature=related