I spent two days with a friend in Cubao. I was just relieved that I didn’t have to endure the escalating pressure of yet another get-together tradition alone and stuck here in my apartment.
I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.
8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.
Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.
And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.
But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished
I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.
It’s still valentines day, I told myself.
With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.
Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.
And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.
Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.
Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.
There, I said it all. No more… no less.
I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.
That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.
Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?
I didn’t get any.
Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.
Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.
Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.