Sunday, September 25, 2011

death by a third party

(September 24 at 01:03:06 AM)

Got a little dragged by the death of the young lovers.

This has really got to be an eye opener to the "third wheels". You just don't fucking know the extent of the mess you make.

Go get your own fucking dick!


(September 23, 2011, 11:35:18 PM)

A member at PR said:
"is looking for a period, but enjoys the commas and semi-colons that come along the way. Ellipses are boring."

I said:
"Interesting man, but haven't you ever considered that periods are nothing but myths in relationships? Nope?

"Well, yeah, periods I guess in 'endings'... end of affairs... but periods in terms of 'finally finding the one' and 'keeping for life'... in my case, I don't think I can believe in it anymore.

"I would like to believe that as we accept the eventuality of an affair and bask in its warmth and sweetness, at the same time we all must accept along with it the reality of its ending. Thus, we need to anticipate... pain. Thus, life and love is a continuous journey... with pauses, yes... but it's gonna have to go on and on until each and everyone of us expires."


(September 23, 2011, 11:55:47 PM)

Guy: "Hey Howdy?"

pulangtuldok: "appreciating the rain."

Guy: "Haha... have you given them your applause already? their piece has just finished. getting bored by the minute. considering sleeping na.

pulangtuldok: "a day in the life of a plus one... early to bed on a friday night while all the worldly are out getting intoxicated. You look like the type who flirts with the young night though. I guess then, first impressions don't apply on you."

Random Episodes

(September 21, 2011, 01:32:12 AM)
The other night, I was talking for hours again with this guy I dig but now gradually accepting that we'll just gonna be kadas.

The second to the last call (at 1am), he had to cut off the conversation. His semi-bf sent a chat message at fb asking why he couldn't call him.


I told him 'it's okay, baka importante' and thought it was just ok (din sa sarili ko)... I thought.

After he ended the call... I felt a bit like a bf snatcher. After a couple of minutes he called me again. I was already submitting myself to the agony of trying to sleep.

We talked for a while. We said good night.


This afternoon, I was at PUP to talk to some of my Open U Profs. As usual, I want to look at least like a grown-up student. I changed my shirt.

What usually happens when I pull up my hair into a bun is that my dear Cambodian wish ring gets entangled in it. So I removed it in the stinky campus restroom and repeated what I was doing.

Hours after, I realized that it was missing. Broke my heart.

I'm no superstitious guy but I sort gotten attached to it. See, I have always wanted one for some reason. Kept asking for one from my other best friend who's based in Thailand but she keeps forgetting every time she comes home. Got my ring as a pasalubong from my cousins who went on vacation to Thailand and Cambodia early this year.

I don't know but the whole time I was keeping it, I sort of kept fantasizing that it's like a silent friend I talk to in my head sometimes and ask it to back me up each time I'm making a change for myself.

In desperation, I went back to the restroom to look for it. It was already night at that time and it wasn't there anymore. I decided to post on the mirror my contact number on a piece of paper, said it's a matter of sentimental significance to me.

After exiting the campus, I realized that I actually left my number for the whole restroom users to see. Damn!

Mindlessly, i went straight home, hoping I could still catch my landlord who was waiting for my month's rent payment. He texted 'bukas na lang'. I was already on the bus to Nova.

Thought if he only texted earlier, I would have gone to the grocery instead.

So, when I got off the bus and saw a salon still open, I went in and decided to have a haircut. Probably, I somehow blamed my hair for the loss of the ring.

When it was done, I thought to myself it looked great. But then as I passed by a glass panel and inspected it, I realized it wasn't really that great... just okay.

Walking myself home, I realized... darn, there you go pulangtuldok... photography 101 reminder for you. Why the hell would salons spend extra for good lighting, duh?

Was entertaining vanity for a while when I got inside my unit. Took a mirror and flipped my hair here and there. Thought there's a Rustom Padilla (Big Brother days) look... and there's a Liam Gallagher (circa mid 90s) look too and... a Fanny Serrano look as well.

So, where the hell was that longer version of a Zac Efron 'Do' the cutter was talking about?


Was still a bit fascinated with the odd-looking hairstyle that looks more like a taupe when I received a text message.

It was 'The Ex'. He was asking if we could see each other sometime and have a drink.

Felt drained all of the sudden. I actually still have this tiny ache in my core right now that I also felt after reading it.

Texted my other best friend. She said 'Karma on the loose! Ask him what he wants'. Told her I can't.

And I really can't.

I can't afford to lose my ally in me. Because I always feel like I'm guilty for all the wrong things that's happening to him even when I know that I have no longer anything to do with what he's doing now to himself. Just as I have already began to convince myself that whatever issues that I'm facing now is my own... alone.

I just have achieved alcohol-free induced sleeps lately. I'm fighting the urge to drown myself in alcohol again tonight.

You Ought To Know

(September 19, 2011, 06:17:48 PM)
Just a matter of time I guess before 'the Ex' and his bitch call it quits.

He added another boylet (in facebook) who's also in my network. It's one of the things he did when things were starting to fall apart between us. And he did it openly. Now he's at it again.

I wonder how 'the Bitch' reacts to it.

'The Ex' removed all his accounts in all hookup sites when they began dating openly, something he never did when we were just starting out. Now, I think he's back.

Oh, well... not that it concerns me. But I somehow wish I could feel at least a bit of joy in it.

There's none. I should be my ally but I guess my rational has always been independent from my subjective self... who always loses to rational me. Fuck!

Haah... theme song of the day -'You Ought to Know' again!

Who Do You See... Your Lover or Your Ideal Lover?

(September 10, 2011, 02:34:14 PM )
People usually do this... they meet someone who qualifies for the type of person they want to have as a partner.

Then when lucky and the person likes them too... these people begin to see the person as the ideal lover that they've always wanted and fail to see the real person.

In reality, we all should strive to become a better lover for the other half.

If the guy or girl we are with fairly trades compromises with us, we are in a good healthy relationship. However we must always keep in mind to see THAT growing love... NOT our idealized HIM/HER. Because if you keep doing this... it's a recipe for a disaster and ultimately the collapse of your relationship.

A relationship is like running in doubles. You got to be running side by side... at pace with each other. If the other one is lagging behind, you ought to compromise the speed and encourage him/her to keep going... because if your intention is more like getting ahead... then that defeats the purpose of running together and winning together, right?

I do not believe in what others say... that we should never be in a relationship to change the other person. Because in reality, all of us eventually evolve whether with a partner's intervention or not.

I believe that as caring partners, it is part of the relationship to help the other develop better sensibilities and achieve a better kind of life.

Now, it is different from getting in a relationship and trying to change your partner into the ideal kind of lover you've always been fantasizing about.

friends with the Ex?

I am not so sure about my opinion on becoming friends with an Ex. This is a common topic when some friends check up on your ''recovery''.

Perhaps Exes who were friends before could go back to being friends again. I have friends who were friends again after breaking up.

In my case, I only have one Ex who I became 'OK' with after we broke up. But since we weren't the type who'd stay in touch every so often... we lost touch and when we see each other in a mall or wherever (which is very seldom), it's not the same anymore.

I don't really mind hanging out for a while, have coffee and all but... something in him just isn't comfortable anymore even with just the 'HI's'.

He's actually improved really... like most of them after having a relationship with me... 'Why?'... he's buffed-up and looks really good now, just the right shape for his height. And he's already moved out of their house too. Gone's the long mane he used to love and settled for 'uso' haircuts.

Probably he thinks that we're no longer on the same level. Hahah

He used to be the geeky type. Skinny and tall and techie and OC. That's probably what I liked about him then. He was naive yet wouldn't admit it because he's smart. He was still very new in the 'gay life' world and he liked the daily challenges that we're already normal to me.


So again, Exes as friends... it's something I have yet to discover too. But I doubt if that will ever be possible with this recent Ex... and the other two before him. Yeah.

the rain inside

(journal entry)

(August 31, 2011, 11:54:27 PM)
Almost ran into the Ex tonight in Trinoma. Was thinking of lighting one stick before I go home. He was walking opposite and sat beside his bitch by a bush covered bench. I was looking for a smoking area sign and walking towards an escalator.

Was shaking from the sudden rage and awkwardness of it. Had several cigarettes instead.

I was calming down myself while thinking of the my baby brother's first night back in the country just recently and we had too much to drink that he threw up while he was already in bed and I helped him to the rest room and cleaned the mess afterwards.

It brought me back some memories when the Ex used to come home totally drunk and puke outside the front door or in the living room.

I felt a squeezing inside my chest and I was surprised.

I only thought of going to trinoma to do some errands before going back home after feeling a bit sad when I left cubao. Saw my brother to his trip to our home in Aklan via Roro.

I actually looked back after stepping on the escalator... to see if the Ex noticed me. He wasn't looking. but they looked as though they were arguing.

Consulted my feelings. I didn't feel any mean kind of joy like I expected myself to feel. Instead I even felt sad for the Ex... and mad at myself for feeling so.

Yes... I was enraged. Enraged still at the Ex... but actually more at myself.

It was raining there at the roof top area.

I realized too... that it's still raining inside me when I thought it had already stopped.

these slutty games

(August 21, 2011, 01:53:31 AM)
I'm getting tired of the hook up games, the standards and stereotyping.

I think I'm too old too soon for these sort of stuff.

In PR, I changed my profile photo yesterday and views were reduced significantly. I changed it again today with one that has my shirt off... and there you go, several views in just a few minutes.

I think guys like me are now are forced to be (or yes, reduced to) sluts... in the world of dating games.

rush... rush... hurry lover... baby come to me

(August 19, 2011, 09:00:11 PM)
I still get frustrated with Pillow Pal... oh did I mention that we sort of got a new lease on the 'pillow pals' arrangement... well, since his failed one week affair with a guy who turned out to be a Jesus freak... but anyway...

yeah, as i was saying...

Even when I already have made a promise to self that I'm not going to let go of my guard again on him... to protect myself from indulging him too much... I still feel so 'bitin' with him sometimes. hahah

I can't count anymore the many times 'nasemplang' n'ya na ako for asking for sex with him. Hahahah

But I just don't really get the types he prefer. Well, oo... kanya-kanyang type 'yan.

Kanina, we were texting. He was asking my opinion if he'd accept a three-way offer. Yup, at just passed noon. He said, he didn't know who texted him and I told him that more likely it's from one of those guys he slept with before.

Turns out, it was just some guy in PR he had a chat with before and he didn't like the guy.

After a few more exchanges of text messages, I sensed that he's actually feeling lonely again. So there I was, changing hats again... now, the personal counselor of Pillow Pal.

Once more I have to remind him of what his situation is and what weaknesses he has to overcome. I told him that he has to stop being too impatient and that he can't just pick up a guy his type randomly and him to automatically turn into the ideal man he's dreaming of.

(quote ko text ko ha? hahahah... wala lang, nagustuhan ko yung sinabi ko kasi...)

"Hindi instant noodles ang pag-ibig. hindi rin puzzle piece na magpi-fit-in kayo together the moment maipagtabi. More likely, you should look at it as an ugly slab of granite na nakikita mo namang may potensyal. Lililukin mo ito dahan-dahan hanggang magkahugis na ayon sa gusto mo pero with all consideration sa kakayanan lang nito.

It's hard work. and you should know that."

Once again, I asked him why the need to rush? That, it's not as if he's missing out in life. I told him what I normally share to some of my forever single friends who loved to pry on the details of my relationships before and thought that I lived a blissful life.

I told him... that of all people, he should know that having a partner isn't really a big deal. That it's ideally more like a stabilizer of the good things you already posses. Because the truth is... after the honeymoon stage, and when things subside to normalcy... your life could even be as boring as the time you were single or worse... becomes more complicated. Kasi nga when the relationship (or the partner) fails to provide you with emotional stability... it aint a good place to be in... it turns out, mas miserable ka pa nga.

Yes, may growth for both... lessons from the experience. Pero it's a daily diet of frustration.

So who said that people who are in a relationship are in a much better place?

I told him that my own personal life stopped because matigas ang ulo ko, thinking na may ibubuga pa yung relasyon ko... at pinatagal ko pa talaga ito ng ilantaon pa. After five long years, what actually happened was the opposite.

I missed out on so many opportunities in life.

I said, I perfectly understand his agony of the clod and bitterly lonely times alone lalo na sa gabi. But that we're all big boys now... not even novices in the love department.

We have to brave the silent storms of our beds at night. And that we need to protect ourselves from making the same old mistakes and master the art of patience... and wait... no matter how long it takes... until we meet the guy who would be willing to trade compromises with us.

Now, this one goes to everybody...

Rushing in to love is your fault. Not the guy who you want to instantly be the ideal guy in your head. He has his ideal version of you too in his head. If the both of you aren't ready to make rational compromises... there's no point in going further.

But going back, being the one who is at fault... how much more can you afford to hurt yourself again and again dahil lang grabe ang lungkot?

In which place do you want to be in?

Silently, as I was able to calm Pillow Pal's personal storm again... I wished that he would stop looking at people and start looking through them.

Oh dear Prof...

(August 17, 2011, 10:26:46 PM)
A few nights ago... I came home with a heavy heart.

Not only was it uneventful, I also had an FB status 'parinigan' episode with a guy I used to date for a while.

He's a Film professor. And I've known him since years and years ago. He's actually my older cousin's age group. They were colleagues in some TV shows before.

He was my crush in many different ways and could only admire him silently because he had a girlfriend back then.

Like me, his relationship lasted for five years and when it ended, it put him in a long and deep depression.

But at least he won a Palanca, got himself a condo in the Nova suburbs and got cast in 'My Fake American Accent' and I think, he looked good... no, hot... in that film.

It took a while before he sprung back to 'normal life'. But normal life made him too comfortable and content being single.

It was weird and to some... it may seem romantic that after many years... we met at that time when I was almost determined to return to Iloilo and base there again. All I wanted back in March was to remove all memories of 'The Ex'.

My current best friend and I wanted to spend our last time together and drink in Spazzio in Maginhawa so we went there. And there he was, drinking too with some common friends.

We were a bit conscious of each other that night but the sexual tension was undeniable.

When it was time to wrap up the very long night of drinking and everyone had their own next agenda, coincidentally, we were both headed the same direction. I was staying with my cousins in Sauyo (but more like already fairview) and he was just a street before Quirino Highway.

Drunk and horny of him... I tried my best to make our conversation wholesome and avoided looking at him while we were driving. He's too sexy for me although I liked better his usually short curly hair, his eyes that were more full of life and minus a few pounds version of him years ago... but still his appeal... was still very much intact.

During our whole ride, he was convincing me to spend the night with him in his home, worried that it might be too late in the wee hours of the morning to wake up my cousins.

In my mind, I didn't mind him insisting but I was afraid of myself. Anyway, for all I know, he was just being courteous. What I was worried of was that i might not be able to resist the urge to go to bed with him.

But nothing happened that night. Later on, during the time that we were already dating, he'd confess to me that he was also very tempted... was actually already dropping hints that night but that I didn't get them. He said he was just as worried as I was of what we were both thinking to ourself. I'm the cousin of a good friend-colleague... you know, the kind of ethical situation kind of thing.

That night, I couldn't sleep on the sleeping bag he provided me because I was just inches away from his bed and I was fighting the urge so hard that by the time the skies outside turn purple, I decided to just sit on his sofa and watch him sleep. Of course... my eyes were fixated on his bulge.

We were together for most of that following day, enjoying each other's company. I even went riding with him to his few stops before he finally goes to work in UP.

When I was in Iloilo, he kept sending me text messages that end up with such questions like 'when are you planning to come back?' or saying 'hope you come back home to manila soon'. He would text me stuff like how he feels about seeing each other after so long only to find out that I was actually leaving and moving away.

Sometimes he'd ask if it's okay to call me. And we'd talk as if we were using the landline. I was convinced that he wanted to have a relationship or start something like it with me. And of course, it made me feel good at a time when everything's uncertain.

I decided to go back... after several weeks. No... of course NOT because of him... but I that I tought that it would be more complicated for me to start over in Iloilo than to face my ghosts back here in manila.

But the time we saw each other again, it was as if we we're lovers reunited after a long estrangement. From the day I arrived, I already spent the night in his place. Also the next two weeks... straight.

So what went wrong? I couldn't point a finger on it too, actually.

He just grew more and more unattached. He'd make excuses of not being comfortable expressing personal thoughts through text messages or email when in fact he got me almost falling for him entirely thru these electronic communication channels.

When I did something he didn't like he'd tell it to me and I would comfortably offer my apology. But when i bring up something I didn't like, he wouldn't hear of it and wouldn't do any effort to find out when I resort to giving him a cold shoulder.

So I had to confront him several times just so once and for all we know what we want in what we had.

I told him that I came from a relationship where I always had to be the one who compromised and that I'm tired of making such efforts again. But if he would trade compromises with me and make as much efforts in our affair... I would go all the way again for him amid the emotional problems I still have from my break-up.

He told me that he's very much sensitive on the issue of loyalty and monogamy. I understood this because I have learned from him about how he suffered back then.

But in the end, things still got worse and I had to confront him finally of what he really wanted to happen between us because the same issues persisted and I couldn't allow myself to get more depressed than I already was.

We had two weeks apart before this and I couldn't see him because I knew that he would be busy that whole week and I had to be the house man of my cousins' house because they went to a vacation out of the country and I was doing them that favor.

After one whole week, I was hinting on how much I missed him and would want to see him but for some reason, he wouldn't even return my text messages or email.

I thought to myself, if that's what he wanted then I'd play his game. I decided I'd play him casual. I can't allow myself to be mistreated anymore. I thought, I had to start making options for myself again. I went out on dates.

But I had to confront him at least for one last time before deciding to call it quits. He texted me back after a few days. He said that he too realized that it was not right of him to keep me guessing and hanging in the air on what he wanted to do about our status.

But he also added that he found out that I was flirting with other guys on the net. And that I sort of broke the pact of monogamy and loyalty.

Apparently, I left my facebook open in one of his computers and he was able to snoop in it.

I told him I don't have anything to explain to him nor do I feel like I cheated on him. I told him that I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing because 'I need' 'what I'm doing'.

I asked him what he was actually expecting from me... like keep on hanging on to something I do not even know if it still exists... and keeping my end of our arrangement... being loyal to him and all... without getting any efforts nor basically anything at all from him.

And so that was the end of that short affair.

Fast forward to many dates and a 'Pillow pal' after... I was annoyed at 'Pillow Pal' during the time he was troubling himself over a one-week affair and posted a 'pahaging' FB status.

But something in what I said actually hit the wrong guy... yes, the Film Prof. He decided to post a retaliating but not so obvious status.

It hit me... but I decided not to go there. Instead, I opened his profile page and found that he's now regularly going to the gym again... thanks to my encouragements before. He also sports the short hair that I like again. Thanks to me again... I've finally convinced him that rebonded hair doesn't look as sexy as his short curls.

Oh, and I was able to give him a brief make-over time too. And I'm certain that he's changing his wardrobe gradually with the kind of clothes I made him try on during our trips to the boutiques before.


Tangna n'ya. Ngayon pa s'ya gumwapo uli ng ganito.

HUW..... WHY..... YYYYYYY?!!!!!@!*

Why do they all end up being better only after an affair with me?!!!

That was what I was screaming in my head that night.

When I got home and opened my door, there was a white envelope on the floor.

Instantly, I felt elated by the sight. Thought 'oh good... my very first letter in this apartment... who could it be?'

Then I found out it was my first electric bill. It didn't even reach P5.00.

about last night...

(August 13, 2011, 06:24:47 PM)
When I went back to Iloilo last March and stayed in old comrades' apartment... di na ako maka-relate. Hahahah. Naghahanap agad ang katawan ko ng order and serenity.

So naging mucahocho ako the whole time na nadun ako. Of course they loved it. Na-subdivide ko ang different areas ng bahay nila.

On the issue on casual affairs... well, it's what it is. And we really got to stick to the idea that it's not a micro-relationship so we shouldn't treat it as such.

Pero syempre libog na libog pa rin ako sa mokong! No make that libog na libpg ako sa kanilang magkaybigan kagabi!


Last night nga when I met him and his close friend whom i already have a crush on now in Araneta Center... while waiting for his friend who had his haircut in preparation for an audition today... we got the chance to talk outside the salon while smoking. Ako lang pala because he just got better from fever and colds.

We were back in 'Pillow Pal's' Murphy area community around this time.

Mostly his own turf so i butt in only when its 'relationship expertise time' and I had to give him dozes of reality wake up calls.

Anyway, for a while, there was this super hunk who went walking back and forth just to make a point that he's either inviting a hookup with me or 'ex pillow pal'. But I told 'ex pillow pal' that the guy was eyeing him.

Take away the blond highlights on his jet black straight hair, the guy would've been so perfect. And I like guys with prominent jawline.

But again, in my mind... if I'd be made to choose between 'Ex Pillow Pal' or the gorgeous stranger in tight basketball 'sando', I still would prefer my charming friend. Pero sayang rin nga, hahah... because in reality, case closed na kami ni mokong at nandyan lang at nagpaparamdam ang hunk with blond highlights.

In my mind, on our way to his home much later, I thought to myself... I got to get better at fishing. Because I know that today is another day at sea again, fishing again. Until I catch another pillow that'd be as fluffy and cuddly and comfortable... or even better than the one I had to let go of.

As I write this, I'm here in one of the most populous state universities in the country and the whole universe... P.U.P..

So far... no luck... puro Totoy. but downstairs in the karinderya sa tapat are hunky skinhead brothers na may-ari siguro ng karinderya. And they got thick Cebuano accent. Panalo! Grr... while I was smoking earlier and drinking a coke sakto, the older guy was watching me.

I thought, he might be guessing if I'm a gay guy or a tibak or both. Whatever hell he might have thought of me, what's good about it was at least he was noticing me. I tried to stare back just to see if he'd be uncomfortable or dare to play a staring game. He got shy.

Oh well, I thought. Lame.


Still waiting for the DVDs I need to make copies of. I would've asked 'Ex Pillow Pal' the favor but... it's different now. Maybe we'll be back to normal comfortable mode again when we already start making projects together.

Because I have a documentary in mind. And this will be the first time we'll be doing something that's other than the intimate stuff we used to do.

Rants and re-rolls


"Hanggang ang pangunahin mong batayan sa paghanap ng makaka-relasyon (kuno) ay ang tindig, kulay... tindi ng pagka-'min' at itsura ng kanyang tite... wala ka pa ring pinagkaiba mula sa panahong na-diberdyinays ka at gumuho na ang kalahati ng ideyal mong 'ever after' love life."


"Ang tamang pagtingin at pagdedesisyon sa 'Love&Life'ay di parang pagsagot ng pinaka-best sa isang beauty pageant. Isantabi muna ang morals at d ka tutulungan nyan. Kumprontahin ang sarili ng brutal at sabihin ang totoong nararamdaman. Matutong magsabi ng talagang gusto mangyari. Nampotah.. ba't andami n'yong ganyan ha?! Mas tunay at makatao ang rational love kaysa romantic love. Kapag nailatag na ang lahat ng gusto mangyari, saka tayo mag-pahkeng morals!"

Repost from my fb status.

We're ok naman ni Ex 'pillow pal'. Was with him and a friend of his last night. No... nothing like that. Although, I texted him after i got back home and joked that if he asked me to have a 3-way with his cute friend who has sexy super curly hair and choco brown skin (my fetish), I wouldn't have hesitated. He never replied to the text message.

Slipping off my own liberal terms

(August 10, 2011, 11:35:55 PM)
Last Saturday, I was pissed off when I got disconnected when I clicked POST to add yet another long entry to this thread. Yes, I should have known better to compose it first as a word document... or highlight and click copy and then paste on the quick reply.

I was to share my mixed emotions after my overnight stay at 'Pillow Pal's' place. Well, I felt good because it was nice hanging out with him... and i was down too at the same time... because after we said goodbye the following night... yes, we were together for just a few hours short of a whole 24hours... I had to go back to my own reality.

Another reason for feeling sad was because of the confusion hovering above all my other thoughts as I head back to Sauyo in distaste and heavy steps.

Because it finally hit me that I was already getting too close to him and letting down my guard and allowing my fondness of him pump me up like sugar.

You see, he's very affectionate and normally takes care of people more than the usual.

If I was a novice in sexual politics, I would have told him right away that I'm already in love with him. Man, he even brought us breakfast in bed. If I met him in my early 20s... I would have gone down on my knees and asked for his hand for marriage right there.

And I can't. I can't entertain such thoughts. No.

I can't allow myself to have feelings for him more than our comfortable setup. I can't risk it. I can't afford to mess up my own already messed up emotional health.


Because on top of it all... he really isn't in any way into me.

It stunned me, honestly because I thought I was already liberal enough as a person... but no, he is a lot more than liberal than I am, I realized.

It finally sank in me that the only thing that he really needs from me is the borrowed warmth... that I most probably introduced him to.

And he enjoyed the borrowed moments of intimacy. That only.

Yes... you're probably thinking it... I did... tried. We were already there and he gently asked me not to continue. He said, he didn't want to lose me.

Confused, I asked him if he didn't like what I was doing... or if I was doing it wrong.

He replied and said he didn't want to lose me being his intimate friend. He added that he won't be as comfortable together anymore if we already go to the part where we'd be having sex too in our setup.

First, of course, my pride was wounded. Not to brag... hahah... but I've always been more than average competent in the language of sex.

But I realized what he meant, good thing logic stepped in quickly. I realized that for a guy like him... it's too easy to get hook ups... yes, Fuck Buddies.

But what he liked most in what we have is that were connecting... more than just friends... less than being lovers... and less than being sex partners. He probably realized that at this point in his life... he already needs more than just physical connection... but a deeper bond.

Since saturday night, when we said goodbye, I've been re-adjusting my own emotional connection with him. I have to try to be more casual. I am still very much vulnerable... and I can easily get addicted to intimacy because it gives me the illusion of being in love.

I told myself that I have to be careful. And that I have to constantly remind myself that what we have... is just a temporary thing. One of us may soon find his own guy whom he'd think he'd be ready to get into a relationship with and the other... or make that both... have to condition themselves to still be okay and even be happy for the other... when that time comes.

Two days ago, 'Pillow Pal' went to the mall to look for the leather sandals brand that I like because he wanted to have one himself. I thought that he really wanted me to join him when he does but yes, that day... he went alone to find it.

He wasn't able to buy sandals because apparently, he didn't like the new ones on the shelves. He went home, took the MRT and there, he met a guy. A guy who most likely has the ideal look of 'Pillow Pal'. Tall... stocky... chinoy and smooth. Yes, the stereotypical goodlooks of this generation.

So, they got to talk and decided to go on a date the following day... which was yesterday. He told me all about it and how he's so excited for the date and the guy of course... and at the same time, worried because the guy is much younger than his ideal age for a boyfriend.

I didn't reply for a while so, he texted me a few more times until I told him that I was online and very much horny.

I never replied again.

It was immature, I know... and I was so... aware of it. But yes... I felt the weight of how possessive I already am of him. And I hate myself for being so.

Yesterday, the only time I received a message from him was when I was already in bed, forcing myself to sleep as usual. He told me about their movie date. I replied mockingly. Asked him how he rates the guy's performance. He said, they haven't done it yet. I did not reply.

Hours passed, I tried not to reply... but did.

I told him that I guess it's time for us to move along now. And that he shouldn't worry too much about how long the thing with the guy would last, he's supposed to be more mature now after the relationship lessons he also had.

My excuse? I kept convincing myself 'why should I?' He doesn't text me as much as he used to. In fact, today... zero messages from him. I guess, we're really moving on our own paths now... at least in the aspect of sharing intimacies... the way we did... without the need for a formal talk...

...just like our arrangement. Informal. Casual.

I got to go on dates more often, I made a mental note to self. But I suspect that it would be more difficult now since I'll be looking for the kind of affection that I've already become accustomed to now.

No more slip-offs. No more expectations... seriously now.

Too Close Too Soon

(August 09, 2011, 04:56:27 PM)
I recall a time when I was comfortable being recluse. It was around my late teens to my early twenties.

Looking back now, I realize that it was convenient. I was content of the safe distance and needed it that much, I guess at that time. I had been through hell as a troubled kid, having experienced physical abuse from my Tondo relatives in early puberty and survived a phase of drug abuse and getting sick because of it in the latter half of it.

‘Di pa uso noon ang child psychology to most Pinoy families and one had to deal with their own monsters alone.

I was determined to become the idealized grown-up image of pretty much everyone of my generation. So my life was all about keeping my ‘dark ages’ in Davao city a personal secret and adjusting myself to become a productive member of society’s work force back again in mother Manila.

My life was literally transitioning from the ‘sex-drugs-and-rock-and-roll’ phase to the ‘Mc.Do-part-time-job-and-boardinghouse-life-and-dreaming-of-saving-for-a-collegiate-education-somehow’ kind.

And though I still held on to the dream of having a musical career one day, I too, was gradually accepting the reality that it’s a field reserved for the ‘not-so-talented-pretty-ones’ and a privileged few.

What was most important for me was that I was repairing myself and figuring out my so-called- ‘life’… all about it… on my own… in silence… and become my own ideal good guy.

I eased my way back into ‘social life’. A change of environment was in the right timing. Iloilo made that very easy for me. And college life… finally… was a fresh and breezy new beginning.

Today, I woke up having ‘the issues of getting too close too soon’ thoughts occupying my head. As usual, since I moved-in in my… (I call it) ‘bartolina’… I’ve been getting myself used to eating breakfast, I had my cereals and instant coffee.

There were men doing repairs on some poorly constructed parts of the several-months-old-only-apartment-complex so, I went down and checked out all the noise… and of course, if there were hunky young carpenters for the visual pleasure too.

I chattered with my friendly downstairs neighbors… an old couple who’s been good to me.. lucky me. I found out from them that the pup I suspect to have some German Shepherd breed that nobody there owns is being given away. He leaves today with one of the carpenters who lives in Marikina.

What a fitting coincidence with the theme of my day!

Just when I have already gotten fond of the poor happy pup.

I’ve been friends with him since my day one here… no… make that since the very first time I met him.
And today… is the last day that I’m ever going to see him around.

I felt an ache in my chest… felt like crying really. I’ve been planning of buying him dog food and finding him a basket for his bed, in fact, because I really wanted to convince the landlord to give him to me if they couldn’t take care of him.
Since the day I parted with my own dog ‘Chichi’ who remained with ‘the Ex’ in the apartment that I shared with him for four years … and now he shares with his new ‘bitch’ who couldn’t wait to move in so, ‘the Ex’ had to pressure me to move out the rest of my belongings there asap… I have become all the more fond of and yearned for the affection of dogs.

Though, for months I lived with my cousins… I couldn’t allow myself to get attached to their dogs though, I just felt like that for some reason… I just can’t. They have large happy labs and a demanding female toy dog… and oh, cats that are as ‘bugoy’ as their dogs. They recently lost one of their ‘BaBoys’… as my ate calls em… because they’re really big and bouncy. And even from a safe distance to the pets… I too, felt the pain of their loss.

I easily notice dogs these days… yes, even the ‘galis’-(severely) infected and malnourished ones I pass by on the streets and feel sorry for them. I guess, somehow, I can relate to their feeling of abandonment.

I come from a family of animals lovers, you see. In my family’s house in Western Visayas, one would find all sorts of pets… and even rescued endangered bird species at one time… in the yard. And I already mentioned my cousins’ giant labs. That’s how fond we are of animals.

I went upstairs to my unit after the brief chat with my neighbors and took my phone and went down again. I felt a sudden urge to take photos of little ‘Muymoy’… that’s what the kids in the compound call the three-month old puppy.

Again, I felt like crying while taking our pictures, scolded myself for not doing so before… for some reason. And then, I realized that I have already become so close to him… a lot more than I thought I am. I realized that in fact, he already knows me very much… that he can sense my arrival every night even when I’d still outside and opening the gate. He’d make all sorts of excited noise under the stairs where he’s chained.

Honestly, I never like the way poorly informed people treat dogs and chain them even when it’s uncalled for.
I share a part of my meals with ‘Muymoy’ whenever I eat in my apartment. And when I eat outside… because I have come to appreciate having meals in ‘karinderyas’ along with strangers… I bring home something for him.

Tonight, there won’t be any excited ‘Muymoy’ to greet me by the stairs… no more ‘Muymoy’ to bring ‘pasalubong’ to before retiring to my bartolina. I don’t eat much barbecue and I won’t need to buy them every night anymore.

In general, apart from the fondness that I have developed for dear ‘Muymoy’ the pup… I also have had some attachments made after my break –up. Some of them unintended… others, like with ‘Pillow Pal’… I subjected myself into.
I think I better have to review my own ‘survival book’ (of my earlier life) more now… and device a new one that would fit my present situation.

I have to manage my emotional and/or intimate affairs with others to ensure my own emotional security and gradual progress. Something about easily wearing my heart on my sleeves has always been quite a liability to me as it has been advantageous.

With my situation, it is risky to easily and carelessly establish attachments. Having gone through way too many blows in life amid experiences of survival from ‘beyond normal’ pains… I don’t get better nor turn into some sort of ‘master’ of such undertakings.

It’s a different thing from the normal things people get immune to after a while. People like myself… some of us… don’t really get better… no… because of the more than the usual doze of life’s blows. It gets all the more tiring in time. You get weaker as you grow older.

It is highly risky to play with one’s own emotions. I don’t know… is ‘bi-polarity’ an acquired sickness? Because people like me instantly shift from happy to extremely sad… or angry.

These days, I am reminded also of how much I can relate to stoic types in the lgbt community. People normally pass then off as heart-breaker pricks and self-absorbed sex-addicted highly disturbed closet queens… but some of them may actually be on the same boat as I am… deeply wounded and doing their best to use whatever means available to repair one’s self.

(To be continued...)

facing backlogs

(August 08, 2011, 12:10:22 AM)
Today, I managed to do some of the things that I have been needing to do for so long.

I have already gathered all my personal stuff that I had left in different places –the rest of my clothes and personal documents in my cousins’ house and the remainder of my ‘Likha Asya’ merchandise that I asked Rev. CJ to accommodate in the chapel since the time of my break-up in March.

‘Likha Asya’ is this small venture my best friend (who’s now based in Thailand) and I set up. It was born out of our obsession with anything that has to do with Indigenous Peoples. Years ago, when we left the peoples’ movement (yes, we we’re ‘Tibaks’ in our 20’s)… we promised ourselves that one day, if ever we’ll start a business, it would have to be something that will help IPs find a market for their wonderful crafts and art, and of course, spreading awareness of the culture and issues of our IPs and the IPs of south east asia.

Okay, so going back on track.

Another thing I have been wanting to do was to remove all my pictures of ‘the Ex’ from my facebook account. A few people have already expressed their opinion about the photos that were still in my albums and I guess, I couldn’t really be swayed by anyone but myself.

I just removed almost everything. Yes, I left a few photos… a reminder at least of the last five years.

another sablay date

(August 05, 2011, 07:14:17 PM)
Ok so, last night...

'Pillow pal' and I wen't as far as sharing our deeper appreciation of each one thru text.

The whole day, he's been sending me update messages about him after the burial of his Grand Mom. What I didn't realize sooner than he's expecting me to was that he was actually sending hints that he wanted to see me.

On my part, I was expecting to meet him... or sleep over his place place again today. WE talked about it earlier this week. I was trying comfort him the day they buried his Lola because he said he wanted to see me and needed a shoulder to cry on. I asked him if he really wanted me to sleep at his house or would be better for him to have a long warm bath and early sleep because he hasn't been sleeping enough since the funeral.

He said, Ok. He'll just take a long restful sleep and asked if I could join him on friday night, which is today.

I said okay, we'll see each other then.

But going back, yesterday... he was hoping to meet me nga raw, he confessed later on... but was using the excuse of needing my help in finding in SM Cubao a similar pair of Charcoal leather strap-sandals that I have that he also likes.

But I had a different agenda last night. I had a date.

Met this guy in PR, and thought he's quite nice. I wasn't expecting to receive a two-hour long call from him early yesterday, though. And yes, the 'unli' service of globe already warned him later last night that 'he's an abusive user and that he can no longer use the service'.

I got up early yesterday because I was startled by a loud videoke singing. Apparently, there's a birthday party on the first floor and they thought it was okay to start their videoke party at 8am... just a few hours since I went to sleep.

It was a bright sunny day yesterday so, I thought what the heck, i felt like cleaning up the unit and doing my laundry anyway.

Fast forward to the hour after the 2-hour phone flirting with this guy I've scheduled already to bring home for my dinner, 'pillow pal' began texting.

Yun na nga, he was hoping for us to hang out but couldn't get the nerve to say it straight. Eh, my mind was all wrapped up on doing a quick trip to the mall to do errands and meet the PR date there after.

Came the time PR guy's already near the mall to meet me, 'Pillow pal spilled the beans and told me how much he likes more more now too. I texted him kasi that I'm kind of scared to explore this deeper closeness that we have now because I don't want to mess up yet another guy... and myself at this point in my life. I told him that it's not as if I'm already falling.

He joked that if only I'm stocky and do not wear my hair long, I would've been his perfect choice.

He said he wanted us to talk. He wanted to see me.

In my mind, I was... 'oh, boy... para namang ang gwapo ko. Who do i choose?'

I actually thought of making up a crazy excuse to cancel the date with PR guy because if I'd really have the privilege to choose, no doubt, I'd meet up with my super charming 'pillow pal' and discuss what he wanted us to talk about.

But I don't have the nerve to cancel a date that's already in progress. So, I made a white lie to my poor cutie 'Pillow Pal'. Said I'm seeing a friend and that I was looking forward to the sleep over the next night though. He was okay with it.

PR date arrived. Honestly, not exactly matched with my impression but appealing enough.

So, we bought a few bottles of tanduay ice and brought it home. We did it but forgot the condom so we agreed to just jack off to finish.

And there began the agony. He started acting like a possessive girlfriend, cuddling while talking endlessly and yes, even oblivious of the fact that I wasn't really participating in his dominated conversation.

In my mind, I made a mental note that the next time I invite a guy in, we will have to agree first that he has to go home afterwards.

While I couldn't bring myself to send this one home in the witching hour of the morning, I patiently accommodated him. He wanted to grab something to eat... I took him to a gotohan nearby. We bought pandesal home and let him prattle some more but wishing for him to leave early since the sun's already out. We took a nap a few hours after.

At 10am, he decided he's bored and told me he's going home. Probably, because I slept amid his endless annoying cuddling and talking (yes, he kept talking even when I was already passed out).

I walked him to the bus stop and after lingering for a few more moments and still kept blabbering, he decided to take FX ride instead because it began to rain na rin.

After he said he wanted to see me on sunday and left, I wished that I spent my whole night talking in pure indulgence with 'pillow pal' instead until we're both tired and sleepy and cuddled each other to sleep.

Walking back home, I began to think to myself... am I really going to be doing this over and over again. I felt tired to answer myself... too emotionally numb to entertain the thought.

In my mind... all I was looking forward to is my date tonight with my 'Pillow Pal'.

competing for the top

(August 03, 2011, 08:20:19 PM)
Last night was agonizing.

Insomnia attack.

I was resisting the urge to find and buy liquor at 2am.

The other option i have left is to jerk off just to feel sleepy. I decided I'd go for the first otion.

So, I went all the way to the only 7-11 nearby. It's at the corner of quirino highway and mindanao. Found out that they're not selling too after 11pm.


But then on my way out I met the gaze of a guy. He looked decent enough.

But not my usual type. Looks overly vain for me. Plus the blond highlights was kind of annoying. I normally go for the koboy 'like-me-or-syet-ka-tabi' kind of guys.

But I thought, if he makes effort, we'll see.

I walked some more into a neighborhood and found my precious fix. Apparently, he followed and bought cigarettes. Good. He smokes the menthol-black.

He offered me a stick. I took it. we walked away from the tindahan.

So we got to talk. And I noticed while he was making an effort to be casual about the bootycall that he's sort of wearing a woman's scent. Because it really smelled like one.

So he then asked me if I would like to go bot for him. I stopped and looked at his face. We we've already walked past my turn.

He smiled in a way that his discomfort for being too agressive (which I guess is normally not his nature) showed and he raised an eyebrow.

I chuckled. I remembered a profile headline of a PR member I browsed one time. It said... "Gusto mo ako i-bottom, eh ikaw nga itong naka-victoria secret perfume!"

I decided, I'd give him a break for the effort... and he's cute anyway... and declined politely.

For some reason, he got offended. He said... "really?" like in utter disbelief.

I was already walking back when he said that. And 'that'... offended me. I said. "Anong pabango mo? Nah... nevermind."

I thought as I walk silently back home that I was glad at least, I have my cold redhorses ready to kick in once I get home.

In half an hour of drinking and listening to Cynthia Alexander, Marvin Gaye, Glen Hansard and Damien Rice, I went to sleep.

about having a 'pillow pal'

(July 31, 2011, 11:32:38 PM)
Today, I went to the wake of the grandmom of the guy I'm currently sexually involved with. Well, technically, we really haven't done it yet. But yes, we're very sexually connecting. I call him my 'pillow pal'.

He's a friend of a guy I was flirting with months ago. That guy was okay, in fact we we're good in bed. But my initial impression (and expectations) of him changed when he suddenly went from casual dating (with sex) to 'I-want-to-have-a-relationship-with-you-now' mode.

He knew the score right from the beginning and so i was surprised especially when he's the one who was actually content of the 'single-and-sexy' status. And it was ugly when I had to distance myself from him. Although, I made it sure he knew that I was doing us a favor.

Anyway, so his friend (the guy I'm kind of seeing now) and I became friends too after I added him in facebook. He's a very very charming guy with eyes you want to kiss. And the time we began texting, I felt weird with his endearments.

I don't know... but with me and my friends, we get to exchange endearments that way only after knowing each other for a while already. And so, I had to cut the chase.

After a few days, I asked him directly if we're entertaining flirtation because I get distracted with his 'friendly lambing' and told him it severely makes me horny and that it makes me want to make out with him.

To cut the story short, we agreed to be special friends who kiss and cuddle... at least for the meantime.

We share a lot of interests and we'll be making a short film documentary soon. He's an amateur Vegas editor and frustrated filmmaker.

So, going back...

At around 7pm, I was just saying goodbye to the family of my 'pillow pal' in the funeral when the other friend and pillow pal's Ex arrived.

It was awkward since I never had the opportunity to talk to the former date in person when I told him that it was best for us not to date anymore... not until the emotional attachment's already gone, at least.

There's a small talk. He walked down with me to the street. And the look on his face was the picture of a guy looking like he's been betrayed.

I felt like a cheat looking back at him.

But as I walked in the drizzle of the dusk... with Jim Chappell's "Gone" still playing in my mind (I bought the CD in a sale in trinoma the night before and thought that the music would be fitting for the funeral)... I thought about what might be unethical in the situation.

Days ago, 'Pillow Pal' and I talked about this sort of three-way situation... and we both agreed that we aren't really breaking any rule or betraying anyone or something. We didn't want his friend and former date of mine to know what's become of us because we want to spare him of unintended hurt... and yes, this... the feeling of being betrayed.

And I convinced myself that we aren't doing anything wrong.

I sense that the former date has feelings for the 'pillow pal' and they've always downplayed it. I sense too that the former date still likes me.

It's really awkward.

When I got home and finished my dinner... I felt somehow like asking myself if I did this subconsciously in revenge of the injustices I experienced from my Ex and his new bitch.

I felt like drinking tonight. So, here I am online... looking for available friends to join me. They're all busy doing their own thing.

Maybe later... I'll drink alone after logging out.

Boredom Blues

(July 29, 2011, 11:02:46 PM)
Late in the afternoon today, I got back from a sleepover from someone I'm currently very sexually fond of.

But yes, it was just a sleepover. WE had a prior agreement that we'll stick to just cuddling for the meantime.... at least until we can't control ourselves anymore.

Anyway, so... I got home. And by home I mean the cold and empty studio I'm now renting and living in alone.

I was still hungry although we had a very late lunch together in a neighborhood tapsihan in his cubao area. So, I decided to eat two bananas and opened a pack of sunflower seeds.

Yep. Lately I have become fond of eating seeds patiently.


Because they keep me busy. It kills time. They need focus and constant attention, otherwise you're going to crush the seed you so want to retrieve inside and wont be able to eat it.


Anything that keeps my mind off depression is good enough right now.

Any Raket offers for me guys? Hahah

A Newly-Single Guy's Journal Entry

(July 27, 2011, 03:31:46 PM )
"Last Monday was an utterly odd-awesome day. PNoy's SONA caused such a huge traffic and took me a whole hour just to get out of Sauyo and into Mindanao Ave. No... that's not what WAS awesome.

"But while stuck in traffic, a hot medRep sat beside me at the back of the trike driver. And how naive I have already become of sexual hints after being in an exclusive relationship for a long time that it took me a while to notice that the younger guy who squeezed in beside me... a hunk had been rubbing all possible limbs of his on mine.

"I was busy distracting myself from the horrible traffic by talking to the driver in front of us and even the other motorists we passed by so slowly.

"And perhaps the reason that I noticed was because I felt that he sort of already stopped doing what he was doing. I looked at him in search for what had become different all of the sudden, he didn't look back. But I found his stare on the rearview mirror of the trike driver. He was looking straight at me.

"Instantly, I understood what was going on. In my mind, I even scolded myself for not being able to pick up the signals right away. I just couldn't believe... (and yes, it really doesn't happen much often) that a guy of that caliber would make sexual advances on an average guy like myself.

"I welcomed the advances. And soon enough... he was feeling me right under our bags that we both carry on our laps. Yes, there in public... in broad daylight.

"When we reached the 'talipapa' in Sauyo-Bagbag area, he asked for my number. I didn't really expect to hear from him again though. But we continued what he enjoyed doing to me in an air conditioned bus headed to North-EDSA.

"I didn't allow him to finish me off. It's not me already to be doing such things... and it's never me to get off inside a bus or any other public transport.

"And true enough, after that encounter, I never heard from him again. He must have been pissed off at me for refusing to get off in the backseat corner of that bus.

"I was headed to Trinoma that day. I needed to buy some essentials for the new apartment. And after the errand, I walked my way to the sky garden in SM. I thought I'd treat myself to a warm cup or Figaro coffee in their newly opened shop there.

"But there inside... was the Ex and his bitch. So, before they see me, I turned around and walked away. I couldn't think of another coffee place I want to go to at that moment because my mind says I have to have NO time to accommodate negative emotions.

"So, I quickly decided to go straight home.

"Home? Yeah, I'm still kind of getting myself used to it. The thing still isn't sinking in me yet but I'm working on it... doing my best to make a new home for myself.

"So, on my way back to Sauyo from SM, I was forced to ride an 'ordinary fare' C5-Novaliches-Bayan bus. It was raining hard outside so everybody had to endure the heat and everyone's accumulated smells because we had to shut down all the windows.

"After a while, a young woman... probably aged 23 or 24 got on the bus and decided to sit down beside me.

"Oh, it was hell...

"...and why? Because... her nauseating smell... i was definitely... certainly sure... was that of some guy's fresh cum!

"She probably knew it. Because though there was enough space in our seat for her to relax on her backrest, she preferred to be seated forward. And people around us started noticing the pungent smell. And they all probably knew what the smell was too.

"I was just so glad to finally get off the bus that night. Texting THIS exactly to my other phone helped me take off my mind on the awful fresh cum smell."

Share your breakup story... and I'll share mine

Everybody is eager to hear and learn about how people meet and eventually become a couple...

Everyone gravitates to the sweet and euphoric stories of experiences of people in love....

...but whoever was concerned about how things go wrong? Who is curious of how things start to fall apart... and eventually end?

Who talks about how people suffer... and/or cope up?

Who cares about sharing the horrors...

...and virtues...

...of the experiences... life after BREAKUPS...?


(July 27, 2011, 02:24:41 PM)

I got to be honest... I'm in this league right now. And my world is in limbo.

I know... of course... a lot of other GBTs out there are also in pain. And no one to really relate with them on the same level.

We need this... at least. Not because misery loves company... oh well, yes... maybe... but...

Just to hear (read) about others' stories gives a bit of comfort... especially the part where we share the 'real' moving on phase.

No holds barred... no holding back details... no exaggerations... just EXACTLY how we're faring... right now.

Okay. So, in my case... I just feel revolted sometimes when people (esp the ones who hardly know you... or those who never even went through a similar situation ever) easily fire out statements like... 'just move on'... or 'give it a rest' and 'why stress yourself out thinking about it?'.

It's been over four months and I've already gone back home to Iloilo and back here in Manila and just moved in to a small studio apartment (so far from the place i used to live in with the Ex) and here I am... quite different from the usual scenario... very late in experiencing the 'relapse' phase.

A few months ago... i was laughing at some friends who were reminding me about the '6 degrees of separation' theory. I thought that since I'm different from a lot of people... being a dialectical-materialist... I don't really expect much that I'll go through the same phases as most people. In fact, I was aiming to break my own record again this time by easing my way out of this one and in to a new life as a single guy again.

But again... I am, bleeding and losing my mind.

I've dated several guys in four months and all of them had become inconvenienced. They all had different agenda. Mine was just to borrow momentary intimacies... no expectations more than the brief dozes of illusion of love and affection.

I don't even know if I can still allow myself into another Monogamous affair. I think I already lost my belief in it.

Not because i'm 'just' rebelling... but theoretically... I believe that monogamy is truly archaic. I now really seriously tend to believe that monogamy is the root of so many troubles in relationships.

I'll share more about this part another time... but yes...

I mourn for many things that have died.

My four-year relationship with the Ex. My murdered heart and morale. Monogamy. The loves thrown my way that I ignored.