Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Inked on my ink

I may have been getting to know more guys these days (and have dated some of them consecutively) compared to all my earlier years as a gay man combined.

Still don’t really think it’s being slutty. I guess it’s the intent that separates the ‘simply slutty’ from the ‘practical liberal’.

I’m not even ashamed to let people know that I actually think that dating inclusively is healthy…again, especially when you’re not getting any younger. Yes, this is still very much a part of the new attitude I’m applying to myself.

Everyone’s fixated with youth (and I still can’t get around with it) and the ones of my age who are still (or back) in the game are desperate to look their best to snag that remaining few who pass their qualification.

I can’t be forced to do that.

I too have an extent in the vanity department but it’s really all about me and no guy can ever motivate me to join the ‘fitness first factory-made ken sex doll clones parade’.

I bank on my own assets. If they don’t work… they don’t work, so… next one please. I want to be wanted and appreciated for simply my basic me, not on what I can put on or try to be and/or look like.

There are times however… when a guy strikes you so hard and you suddenly feel like a little schoolgirl giggling and wanting to know him… flirt with him… be with him more and more.

It seldom happens in my universe though. It’s just that recently, there’s this… well, yes… another skinhead guy… and darn! I really tried so hard not to get attracted to these bare-heads anymore… but yeah, my bad… I know, they’re my kryptonite.

Kept telling myself that there’s really something psychological in sporting the skinhead that connotes to being conservative and anti-innovative.

But reeeeeally… this one, I lost my wits for a while and I let down my guard and risked letting my hidden desperation fall out of the bag.

Oh yeah… he saw all of it. What can I do? I’m also such a sucker for really awesome tats!

Okay… when I got sober… and man, I really did force myself to avoid getting in touch with him for a while but knew inside me that I will eventually have to face it… I knew it was the end of the fantasy.

But no, not really a total ‘WongkarWai’ ending, I always get something good out of every misfortune. Got a new entry again on my morals book you know. Blah!

You see, I never even met this tattooed guy personally. But it’s like, I felt that I really wanted him… yes, ‘this one’ for myself… for keeps. Uh huh… he had that kind of effect.

Darn that unlimited internet and airconditioning for several days that I had when I stayed in Carl’s unit, it might have had something to do with me acting weird and saying stuff I normally wouldn’t.

Met him in, yeah… the same lousy GBT site I still content myself making use of in meeting more guys and finding good candidates. But to me, he really stood out. I started with my usual easy compliments and he indulged.

In no time, I was discovering more and more pogi points he’s got and before I realize it, I was too intoxicated by him.

From the GBT site, we resumed our chitchats in FB and YM. And everyday, I’d find myself waking up excited to go online and see if I got a message from him… which didn’t come very often.

That was the early sign.

Did keep note of it but didn’t really paid much attention.

I too was amazed at myself for flattering him that much. And I guess, it was entertaining for him… he basked in that summerlike awesome tan I showered him.

Not bitter, no… I just gave what I really wanted to give. No issue with that.

But by the time I finally decided to stop it and see what normalcy would prompt him to do… and find out how I truly fared to him… I sensed that it was all he wanted… the flood of compliments in this time of drought.

I still wish there was more. But yes, to conclude… I tried a few more stuff to draw it out from him… hoping that he’s just that type who only needs an itsy bitsy more encouragement to be able to express what he truly feels without feeling ashamed.

Nada. (sigh)

And I only realized what I was actually looking for and the reason for all of the gaga… when I was texting (with) him... the last of which was last night.

You see, he kept on telling me even when we were still chatting online that I just flatter him and he just don’t fall for that.

Yes, fair enough. I too, wouldn’t get myself carried away by sugar sweet words.

He said that I’m just a writer who knows how to concoct the right combination of words and make them sound charming… but again, no real bearing.

Yes. I agree with him on that too. I would only figure out a guy genuinely when we get to meet eventually and talk.

But it’s really not the point!

Let’s set aside the craziness I admit to have made him uncomfortable.

What I realized that was missing… and yeah, the reason probably why I went as far as I did… was that feeling of reciprocity.

Probably deep in me, I was anticipating for the same excitement from him… that he wanted to get to know me that much as well… that he’s also very much attracted to me… that he wanted to meet me so bad he’d ask us to meet without me leading him to do so… and that I would feel it in my guts that he feels that I could probably be ‘the one’.

That wasn’t there.

And that’s what made me step back.

Good thing, I thought of opening and reading our FB conversations and copy-pasting our YM chat as a document to use as a reference one day for a scene on an episode for a TV show concept about the life and dating games of single LGBTs (pathetic, huh?)… I got the chance to review the track of our conversations. And that’s how I got myself into this line of thought.

I recall in one of our earlier conversations… he told me to ‘fire away, ask me anything’. I said… ‘but that’s really not the way I truly get to know people’ and the reason why I wanted to see and read his FB wall.

For me, it’s not the ‘whats’ that make me get to know people… it’s the ‘hows’. It’s on how people converse… respond in conversations… contribute in conversations… the tone… the expressions used and directions people lead conversations to that tell me more about them than who they voluntarily say they are and what they do.

And in life, I learned to read between the lines… and find out more probabilities behind the simple texts. There actually is a lot more to learn from there than what people simply say.

Last night, I told him that if he can’t express more than he already did… then more likely, that’s all there is that he has in response to everything that I felt towards him.

And that’s not particularly the type of reciprocity I hope to find from a guy I really want to meet.

In his message last night he said ‘I don’t wanna invest any emotion unless I met you, that’s our difference’. His last text message this morning he said ‘I’d love to know you more but I can’t be romantic with someone I barely know’.

To me… there really aren’t any investments to be made yet in this early course of getting to know… so, I don’t really see anything to worry about in expressing one’s real responses on conversations with a guy who already is doing it for him.

In this stage, it’s just a matter of finding out the weight of attraction present that could say a lot about the real need for going to the next phase which is the part where two people eventually meet each other… the real first investment.

So again, I guess that just indicated that I was more into him. And I must admit that… that’s not good enough for me… even when there’s this thing in my gut saying… ‘you could probably make an exception again… just one last time, no? You might regret it, you know’.

Ugh! I really hate it when that happens.

Earlier this week, I posted something on my FB wall asking if it’s worthwhile to keep pursuing a single guy who most probably just see you as a distraction. It was meant for guys like him that I’ve met recently.

Because I feel that this time I really got to find someone who truly wants to get to know me more… because he’s that very much drawn to me.

Apparently, I am still in that process of being challenged to make the same compromises I used to do in another lifetime.

And with this one, it’s really stirring up so much contradiction inside me. Part of me is saying that ‘the signs are there, c’mon… he has that same qualities as the Ex and thatstark difference in lifestyle and set of sensibilities should spell out the obvious enough’… while the other part of me is saying ‘throw caution to the wind’, he’s definitely your type… period’.

Anyway… I guess this is a classic example of ‘you’re too emotionally available’ kind of situation.

Would this mean that if I ever be the bad guy to my rational side again and pursue him and we’d get as far as dating… will he eventually say that to me? Because it was already there in the first place? And I should’ve followed my instincts. ‘He’s simply just not that into you’? And I already should’ve known that?

Must I think that if I should follow the right indication… is it what I have been concluding the past few days? That it should be as early as the beginning that he could’ve already displayed ‘good enough’responses?

I guess, now… in a final attempt, I’m goin’ to have to incubate this for a little while more. Maybe the inked man would cease to have an issue with my ink. Maybe he won’t.

I am my ink. I can’t be without it, it wouldn’t be me. So it all boils down to the appreciation of me being who I basically am or nothing at all.

But darn... i really want that inked!