Wednesday, July 18, 2012


When I told my friend Carl about my second to the last entry, he told me that he thinks that I have to stop adding more in this blog.

That made me think. Truth is that I too have been thinking of ending this blog and start a new one. But still, I just kept on adding entries... and I don't know exactly why. Maybe because it's been sort of a friend to me ever since 'the Ex' and I broke up. And perhaps more and more people are discovering it and finding refuge in my old entries in secrecy... I sort feel obliged to help... at least in this small way.

I still keep receiving private messages from strangers from time to time who stumble upon it either through my network in FB or PR and other GBT sites I'm also in, perhaps. And I always entertain conversations. In fact they have become younger and younger I noticed.

I was also in their shoes many times before... especially when I was at their age. There was no one there to throw in some useful advice. I had to learn things the hard way.

So, in many ways... this blog is special to me.

Letting go of it feels like a tremendous task that also makes me feel like I can't do it.

Lately, I've been missing 'the Ex' a lot and been downplaying it but it's there... and I never can't deny. Yes, I know myself too well, and I'm just that. I have decided that I better get used to it. I will always feel this from time to time.

Earlier... sometime before midnight, Carl and I thought of strolling the other side of New York Street here in Cubao. Yes, again... I'm sleeping over... or say... staying up late again in his unit. I feel more relaxed and at home here than my own apartment which I'm determined to give up when my contract expires in September. Carl, Jed and I have been thinking about sharing an apartment somewhere in Diliman and I'm excited.

We're both broke so we can't enjoy having drinks again in our favorite bar now near Jon's community in 15th Ave., and both are already tired of walking and chatting while smoking and men-watching in the streets nearby.

Carl was excited to try going E.Rod-ward and thought about visiting his old community in Kamuning, I just went along.

I didn't expect that he would think about walking all the way to GMA-Kamuning and stopping by the 7-11 branch at GMA. Jokingly, I tried telling him to walk all the way to East Ave instead but he really wanted to stop by. He told me to stop avoiding coincidences for a change. He knew very well that I feared walking into 'the Ex' or anyone close to him.

So, we sat there for a while, drinking bottled juice and smoked.

Just a few minutes after we got back to his place, he effortlessly dozed off. And as for me, I know that sleep will come much much later... so, I took advantage of the bottomless wifi as always and surfed for flirts and read updates of friends on FB.

Still... 'the Ex' never left my mind. So, before writing this, I finally worked up the courage to finally read his blog... knowing more than less how it's going to affect me. But it's some of things I have been thinking of braving of doing too but never had the courage to do so.

There still was one mention about me after many months since he broke up with me and I left our apartment. It was just a passing thing... he was really talking about something else that's totally unconnected to me. I'm relieved at least.

Most of his entries are still his usual rants... but I feel his frustrations now much deeper than when we were together. Perhaps, I put all my emotions bottled up in the deepest depths inside my head because I couldn't afford to... no, I felt I never had the right to pour them out.

Reading about stuff on his lover still pierce me deeply. Although in our early times together, he only had nice words for me... to me... about me... but he never talked about me the way he does with the guy he replaced me with.

Was crying reading even the most mundane. It's just like seeing him upfront.

I was reading his entries from the most recent backwards. His concerns are still about the unpractical choices for his lifestyle that he keeps doing... something he disliked of me every time I try to bring it up when we were still together.

When I reached the ones nearer to the time when I too was struggling after our separation... I had to take breaks between entries. I felt like betraying myself for reading his blog... and feeling sorry for him during his depression knowing too well what I've gone through myself.

When he was still trying to text or email me last year, he kept repeating that he was also going through a really tough time. I could never bring myself to believe him even when I myself have seen how he's lost so much weight and looked very tired the few times I went back to the old apartment that also looked so messed up after I moved out.

I couldn't afford to allow any moment... any amount of empathy for him for almost a year because I couldn't control the emotions that I had kept for so long that were pouring out heavily.

I don't really know if this is the best time for me to end this blog. I aspired for that day to be a happy one... perhaps with promises of a budding love too.

But after reading the relevant blog entries of 'the Ex'... I realized that I started this blog because of him... it's only fitting that I end it because of him too.

I fantasized about ending this blog for the simple reason that I no longer feel it relevant because I'm already fully okay. But I guess, I'll never be.

I thank all of you who took interest in reading the usually looooong entries. I thank all of you who can relate and find sense in even the most liberal ones. I hope that you will also provide others with something they can relate to and maybe help them make sound decisions.

There's no use for waiting for that ideal day to post the 'THE END' entry. I really just got to decide when.

Emotions will always come with the memories of our Exes... good and bad ones. They'll never be erased. Like I admitted nights ago in my FB wall... I never stopped loving 'the Ex'... I just finally learned how to live without him.

I never expected to end this blog sooner... not this year... maybe not even next. But I think it's a good time to do it now.

Young Adult

Last week was very nice. I missed the busy skeds, the shoots, working on the set and my week was real refreshing.

I also hung out a lot with friends. Couldn’t imagine that my best friends from different eras of my life were all together and drinking with me in one long evening.

It was that night when my friend Jed mentioned something about ‘the Ex’ that I knew it was going to be inevitable… that I will be missing him again so much.

She said that he contacted her through facebook and said they should hang out sometime. Joking, she asked what he’s been doing all these time and never bothered to stay in touch. Although, on her part… she was aware of her own decisions. I guess, she got more sympathetic to me than him after our break up. She was there for me during the most difficult after my breakup.

'The Ex' told her that he was fixing his life and that he also changed numbers. She asked him if he’s okay now. He replied saying he’s still in that stage… fixing his life.

I tried to forget about that. Enjoyed the night out that lasted until 5 or 6 the following morning. But when I reached my own apartment, amid my tired body and intoxication, the thought resurfaced.

And knowing myself, I knew that it’s gonna stick for a long while.

The rest of the busy week didn’t do much help… my sadness was only growing all the more.

Been trying my best not to contact him in the only way I now can… online. I’ve been trying to entertain petty distractions… like the new crush, ‘D’ whom I feel like's not the right kind of guy to pursue… or put more enthusiasm on the workshop that’s just around the corner… and the call-back on my career prospects.

I’m also avoiding the temptation of reading all the remaining text messages the 'Ex' sent me a long time ago. I still haven’t written them in a separate journal that I reserved for all the text messages we sent each other during our relationship.

I know it’s kind of cheesy and at some extent creepy to some but it’s my way of not forgetting my own lessons and keeping myself realistic when I get blinded by emotions sometimes.

I guess that if it ever happens that I might feel the urge to contact him… like in the last few days, there’s no use for that anymore… he’s changed his numbers.

Well, perhaps that’s a good thing. At least I know that I’m not going to do anything stupid and humiliating because I am feeling that I want to reach out to him… for him… and yeah, for me.

It’s stupid… I know.

The other day, I went to my cousins’ house in Fairview. I was expected the day before that actually, because it’s my youngest cousin’s birthday. Their parents were there... came all the way from Aklan and they told me that it was a fine birthday gathering.

But I couldn’t come last sunday because I had a business in a TV network. I took a test and waited for hours for my two interviews. One was for a possible hiring for the concept development group of the network and the other specifically for the coming workshop.

I was so hungry the whole day and sleepy. Sleepy because I was already without it for more than 32 hours. Just rested for a while and took a bath in my friend Carl’s unit in Cubao and headed straight for the sked.

Yesterday, I tried to catch up with my Aunt and on some news in our province. I also took the opportunity to copy some TV series and movies so I’ll have some stuff to watch and keep me company again on my sleepless nights.

I was hoping I could meet someone I like on my way back to my apartment to complete the happier day. No luck.

So, I happily looked forward to watching a Charlise Theron film instead... one that I thought was a feel-good movie that would help put me to sleep.

Well, ‘Young Adult’ was more personally disturbing than entertaining. It made me sad again... relating a bit to her character’s conflict. Made me smoke more than what I required of me. And I slept an hour after wanking off.

I was gonna write this last night but feared that I might lose the littlest bit of sleepiness in my head so I didn’t.

Before writing this, I watched another movie that I thought to be a comedy too but… yeah, another film I would’ve appreciated more on happier days. Again, on the matter of living in solitary and losing a home, I too was affected by the character of Tilda Swinton in ‘We need to talk about Kevin’.

Just texted a guy I have sex with sometimes. I need company tonight. He’s coming over in an hour.

Oh, boy… I know this crazy depression’s just warming up. There better be good news very soon. I’ll be needing it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

D Effect

Currently I’m involved in a project I’m doing ‘probono’ for artsy and middle class kids. Imagine me… poor… freelance media worker… doing that for people who are in a much better place than I am. Well… at least for now my friend said. The thing is aimed to get some sort of sponsorship or something but good luck to us.

But well, I think the stories were gonna do are okay. Not really something I’d normally do for free but they make me feel like it’s my generation they’re talking about.

Anyway, last night was the first production meeting I ever attended with the team and I wasn’t impressed with the fact that after being an hour late from calltime, I was the third person to arrive there and our meeting started more than an hour later.

The people were nice actually, very rakenrol but still… I wasn’t that convinced yet if I was doing a good thing for my own good or what.

Yesterday was kind of great for me actually. We we’re still waiting for people to arrive when I got the call from a coveted workshop I’ve been dying to get into and learned that I got in. The call was also an inquiry if I wanted to apply for a writing job.

Great right?

On a regular day… after receiving such news, I would be celebrating with close friends with alcohol in our beer bellies. But I was… and still am… under the weather… and even when drinks were free last night… I had to control myself… or else I’ll be shooting this weekend with a runny nose. Though, the colds didn’t stop me from smoking. LOL

So, imagine me already feeling great and thought that was the best news I ever got in months but… like I said, yesterday was indeed a very peculiarly interesting day. Because like a cathartic Japanese film… that wasn’t the climax… just the start of a plateau… at least of euphoria for me… after the build-up ends. LOL

It’s because of the last important person to wait for finally arrived… and dang… he was worth the long wait!

Let’s just call this super hot and smart and awfully corny guy ‘D’.

And just when I thought fate was really getting kinder to me last night, apparently… it had some more surprises to give to me. ‘D’ and I will have to work closer because I’ll be under his call.

Oh, yes Sir… your call, please… I’ll give you whatever you want from me. LMAO

Truth is, I had to run somewhere after that meeting but decided to stay because ‘D’ was so magnetic... and I… I was so pathetic… and trying my best not to be obviously drooling. Hahahah!!!

When I decided to go, ‘D’ joined us and I obviously enjoyed our jeep ride to Cubao even when my sinuses were already making eksena. Pero dedma. Nothing’s gonna stop my moment with ‘D’ in that jeepney… not the harurot music blasting ride… not the echoing noise of trucks and trucks of bumbero speeding on the opposite lane. I fought hard not to giggle like a little girl and felt a tinge of ache in my heart when got off before everybody else. Naks!

Oh, there also was no free food in that meeting last night but thanks to ‘D’… even that didn’t matter and my fate to do the project was sealed. Walking along the street of Palawan and Starlites to my friend’s place I was in bliss even when my tummy’s already started eating my intestines and my knees were already wobbly.

Before turning into bed hours later, I had my very late dinner. Like always, there was struggle sleeping but last night… it was brief… thanks to the carbs.

I was wishing I’d dream of ‘D’ but never really bet on it. Texted my friend to pathetically ask… no, beg her… to tell me that ‘D’ is gay or at least bisexual. She said, she’s never asked so she doesn’t know. But hearing that… I thought, at least it crossed my friend’s mind… meaning she/they also sense something.

And though at one point in our meeting ‘D’ called me ‘Pare’… but I thought… so do other closeted guys who flirt with me. I too thought that he was a little warmer than your usual straight guy but then so do all endangered gentlemen species.

Before I dozed off, I was trying to recall the exact way his face looked like.

I couldn’t.

Maybe because he’s sort of familiar. Perhaps, we’ve already met or even briefly worked together before… he told me he also had long hair before his hairline started receding… but whatever, I find it sexy along with his tiny beer belly and pretty fingers. Or perhaps, he just reminds me of other guys I know or admire.

I even secretly wish that he’s the guy I had a crush on during the dinner after the tribute event for a national artist I was involved in last April. Because if so… he’s so potentially available! I wish… I wish… I WISH!!!

So, after playing with those few thoughts in my head, I was already being consumed by sinusitis… and I fell asleep. It was around 2am.

Of course. Yes. Would I be writing this if I didn’t dream of him? Duh!

But I guess, I still would. LOL

I’m so loving fate for over 12 hours now because in my dream, for some awesome reason, ‘D’ and I were side by side in bed, trying to sleep. It was so delicious, I had to drag myself out of bed to attempt to write everything I can recall of it.

Yeah… others would’ve probably wanted to keep dreaming but it was the movie-like dialogue that made me want to wake up. And of course, even in that dream… I didn’t want to have sex with him… yet.

Thinking of it now, I could’ve at least kissed him there. Hayst!

Yes… I’m that awfully attracted… bigtime… to him. I swear… I know I’m already sounding crazy and shameless right now… but what the heck. Sue me!

Woke up at past 6… just a few hours of sleep there, I realized. It’s quite sad that even after a bowl of oats I still couldn’t remember the other details and juicy dialogue in my dream.

Darn, I badly needed cigarettes but I really couldn’t compromise my weekend shoot.

But I remember feeling his hairy arm on my arm… his breath on my neck… and a few lines enough for me to start writing a scene for a future story.

The dream was simple actually and so not typically romantic. So, we were both trying to sleep… probably after a shoot. And then, I realized that he’s the hugger type sleeper. He bear-hugged me in the dream and I told him “D, this is torture”. He didn’t respond to that so I said “I swear that if that cock doesn’t twitch a bit, this is harassment!”

That was all I remember from the dream. I know that we exchanged a few more words and it was about bargaining ‘doing it’ but I refused because I thought that he’s either straight and just too liberal and curious or worse… simply not horny for me if gay.

But I just can’t stop laughing recalling those lines. Care for one more luck? I wish I’d dream of the replay of the dream.

I feel sleepy now, it’s almost 10am. And I think this is all I needed to write about. Will post this later online. And I’m excited to see him on fb later. Yey!

For now, 13 hours later… ‘D’ still tops my list. Couldn’t think of my other boys really. LOL

The effect is like… he’s blocked everyone out. Even my excitement for the workshop next month can’t beat it. Right now, it’s just him… ‘D’… and me.