Friday, June 1, 2012


Dating… contrary to usual impressions is much more complicated yet insightful if you allow yourself to be much more sensitive. I even think, it should be included in the curriculum of Psych and Sociology students because it can provide a vast understanding on human behavior and interaction. LOL

I’ve learned a lot from it and it still teaches me so much and yes, surprisingly, the lessons can be applied to other aspects of one’s social life. I myself don’t really like branding people but in some ways placing them silently in categories makes it easier to understand how to interact with them.

I just saw a guy out and on his way home early today and I was feeling a bit sad. He was happy when he looked back to say goodbye after getting on the shuttle to SM North. He waved at me and I waved back and smiled.

But in my mind I knew that I haven’t found in him what I’m still looking for.

Walking back to my apartment, all I felt was that numbness settling in again. I guess I’m already used to this set up. But in my mind, I thought ‘what a waste’ because I kind of liked the guy in some ways. After all, it took a while before we finally met (that was last weekend) and eventually decided to be physical.

It took me two hours before I finally got sleepy.

When I woke up mid-afternoon, I found many text messages from him. The last ones contain expressions of disappointment because I have not replied and he thinks that I’m an ass too after all. That tempted me to think about ‘what if I really stop texting him back?’

Confirming his naiveté… I guess, lessens the feeling of guilt inside… although, I really don’t think I have anything to be guilty of. In fact, I feel like I’m still the one who lost in the game.

On our first date, he mentioned a bit about how he feels hurt with the way some of the dates he had turned out to only lusting him. Of course, I knew that it’s one way of saying ‘please, don’t be one of them’. And hearing that appealed to me. That was one of the few things that made me like him… although a part of me was saying ‘haba ng buhok mo ‘te, ikaw na ang kawawang pinagsasamantalahan’.

But yes, I feel sorry for him because obviously, he has zero clue as to where his recurring predicament is actually coming from. He just thinks that he’s just one poor pretty boy that other guys just want to have a taste of. Haba talaga ng buhok! LOL

The thing with me though is that when I start giving the date a break and setting aside the early warning signs… I really go out of my way to do so faithfully.

So, I guess in some ways I should take a bit of the blame if the failed date gets bitter after my instant eject button pushes me out of the situation. After all, I’m the one who knows more about the unspoken rules of the game ergo I should stop before an already promising mistake happens.

But of course, I too have my natural doze of selfishness. Imagine if I’d be politically just all the time… I might as well cut off my balls and join the Tibetan monks in the Himalayas. So, no matter how many times I’ve played this game and even think that I can make a mathematical probability formula out of the probabilities (oh, I just love saying that. Makes me feel like a genius! LOL)… I still hope that somehow… maybe, if I take a chance… this one… or the next date will be different… and turn out to be a promising candidate.

I’m not really picky… and NO!... I’m never vain about guys. I can always have my friend Jon to look back at every time I’d have doubts of already being vain about men. LOL

In truth, I have a vast and diverse preference in men. And through experience, I have learned how to set my expectations on people to a minimum… that way I minimize the effects of disappointment.

There are just things that I can no longer compromise. Things that I finally have learned after my breakup with ‘the Ex’.

For a long time, I downplayed the ‘sexual compatibility’ issue and played along... compromised more than I should. And yes… in the natural course of life, the downsides manifest and things that were ignored can no longer be undone.

It’s been a while now that I’ve constantly been reminding myself that I should really start trusting my instincts. And one of these is learning to accept the reality that when a person is truly attracted to another… his or her feelings for the other is insatiable.

Deep inside me, I have always believed that the ‘real one’ is the one who would want to connect with you in all ways possible. And in the process… you willingly… instantly… let down your guards and trade compromises.

This thing does not come too often, yes but… it really… still… does happen in real life.

And if there’s anything I should be religious about now… that is exactly what I need to start believing.

I was looking forward to having sex with the guy I was just with early today. He’s one of those men who really intensely stir me up inside. Of course, there were other things I liked about him and would want to know more. But on those matters, I already felt that I’m not so sure of a positive outcome. But nonetheless… I was determined to explore things with him.

At 2am, I arrived at the already dark and empty bus bay of SM North to meet him. He was getting off from work and that was our agreement… to meet there. It was raining and he was late. I sat there looking at the buses passing me by and the drunk men sitting at a distance as I smoke. Thirty minutes later he arrived and we took the next bus to Novaliches.

I consider myself an average in bed but I do not mess around. I don’t overdo it… and most certainly, I don’t have tinge of power struggle when it comes to sex… well, given that it’s a fair situation.

Yes Sir, it’s one of those things I’m no ‘G&D’ on. In fact I’m a proactive participant.

I got no issues about roles. It’s just that I’m neither. To me, sex is about connecting and letting go and being at your most basic. And that’s what I also expect from a partner in bed.

And you see… my issue with some men… and boy, these days their likes are multiplying rapidly… is this distorted (belief of ‘straight-acting’ gay men of the) ‘pure top’ concept… and it aint impressing me a bit.

It’s absurd enough that closeted gay men are pathetically imitating bigot straight men… and now, every Gay and Bisexual queens are having the impression that in order for them to be ‘that straight-acting’ they all have to be ‘pure tops’ and oh, that meant that they’re not only going to try so hard to be ‘the fucker’… they’ll only have to do just that… fuck.

I think I pretty much have enough sexual experience and sensibility… in fact, more than most protein-shake heads have to know that it’s moronic. For one, I learned sex having it with girls so… I actually know exactly what being a top is.

These ‘pure top’ posers might as well be virgin prostitutes and just lay there being performed at. Guys, in case you're not aware... being a top doesn't make the sex all about you.

In fairness to ‘the Ex’… he was a real pure top and he knew how to make it up to me when I finally accepted that in order for us to work out the incompatibility in bed, I had to compromise being the bottom… from time to time at least.

You see that’s the point. I assume that it’s sensible to just aim to get off when one’s having it with a sex worker because the aim… is just to get off. Yeah?

But if you’re dating… especially when you feel like you really want to get involved with the guy you’re having it with… you let go and enjoy and totally connect.

Yes, if you’re a top then by all means, be so. But in truth… if you really like the bottom guy you’re thrusting, you do everything that will make him satisfied too. Because after all, that’s what you ought to be doing if you’re really intensely horny and attracted to him.

Not agreeing to me on this otherwise makes you a hypocrite… that or really naïve, not knowing when you’re emotionally attracted to a guy and when you’re simply hoping to get laid… or… you’re simply a moron.

In this guy’s case, he told me he was a top on our first date. I told him, I don’t go ‘bot’ for dates and asked him what we could about it. He couldn’t answer it so I offered that when the time comes that we both want to do it, we could just do so without penetration happening. It can be done of course.

And so, there we were early today on my bed, and for a while both waiting for each other to make the first move.

I decided I’d do it. Because I was the host? LOL

But soon after, I realized that there was no expected response from his end so… the disappointment began brewing inside me.

Normally, I toss the guy out by the time I find out that he’s just going to lay there like a cold fish in a wet market making me both a necrophile and prostitute at the same time. But I thought, I still wanted to give him the chance because really, he’s… whew… so hot.

I ‘Upped’ the performance… but yes, to no avail. So, in official disappointment, I stopped and laid there beside him. Well, at least, he realized that I got disappointed, he offered that we just yank it off. And we did.

In my mind though, I was already conditioning myself to accept that I’ll have to bid goodbye to this one too.

The dealbreaker was not the the ‘top’ guy. Not the sexual incompatibility. He didn’t have to be versa too. In fact, I even considered for a moment that if the sex would turn out well, I just might reconsider exploring emotional possibilities with a ‘top’.

The dealbreaker was that he obviously wasn’t into me. I mean… WHO would want that?

You see, this time around… I want the next guy I’m allowing myself to get involved with to be really into me… emotionally… intellectually… politically (if possible)… and sexually. I want to feel that the guy is deeply curious about me… really wants to be with me… intensely wants me… and that I never have to solicit his realization of these.

But until then, I will just have to ignore the awkwardness of episodes like this one.

I’m deciding finally to text the guy with a reply asking him to read this. I owe him that at least… knowing that in fairness to him… he at least still liked the idea of being around me. or that he liked that compromise I did for him that will never happen again.

I want to know how he reacts. If it turns out negatively, then that only means there’s no reason to feel apologetic. If he takes it positively, we could at least probably work out something like becoming friends.

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