Thursday, December 1, 2011

the last three weeks...

It's been a while since visited my blogsite. I guess, I really only do when there's no one else I could talk to when I need one badly.

I have been looking for someone to talk to since last night. My 'foster pup' Namida was just taken by my landlord. She's staying with them for a while until the tension with the neighbors die down. The savages were just looking for all excuses and things to complain about just to steer the attention away from the real problems in my apartment's compound -THEM!

Last night, I could tell if I was to feel relieved of not having Namida to worry about for a while or feel sad because again... I'm totally alone again.

And it's already december. If only I could fast forward to January 2012.

I spent last weekend at my friend's place in Antipolo... after asking him thrice. Yes, I really needeed to get away from the apartment hell of last week. And I needed... still do, actually... to have conversations. All week long, people in my apartment were going crazy. There were fights almost every single fucking day. And some idiots went as far as provoke me when I had nothing to do with their insanity.

The woman who lives right under my unit complained all sorts of silly stuff about the puppy I was taking care of. A neighbor told me that she was envious of me having a dog around.

I couldn't really comprehend how taking care of a dog could be envious. Especially when I really have nothing to get out of it. In the first place, Namida isn't even mine. She's my other neighbors' golden retriever. I took the responsibility of taking care of her because I too neeeded a therapy. You know... after a breakup, I need to learn how to care genuinely again.

But the routine? Nothing is glamourous and easy about taking care of a dog. You get up really early in the morning only to take the dog outside and let her do her thing... before you eat breakfast, you scoop poop. Is that something to envy about? There are tons of other things... sacrifices one needs to do in taking care of a dog.

And now, Namida's out of the picture. I don't know what will happen to her because her owners, the couple who also happens to have a baby, could not decide on what's next for Namida. She can't stay in my landlord's house forever. Told them, they either have to give her up for adoption... or they re-sell her... either way, we can all be sure she'll end up with people who will finally take care of her... love her.

As for the problems in my apartment... I doubt if any good would progress after Namida left... because the real problems are the abusive parasitic uneducated freaks living on the first floor units.

Three weeks ago... the Ex texted me out of the blue. He said he's moving out of our old apartment that saturday... asked me to pick up some of my stuff that I might still want to get.

I told him that I don't think there still are stuff i own that he still had with him that I'm still interested to get... reminded him that he was the one who took out my stuff outside the apartment when he was pressuring me to move every last stuff that I still had in there because his new lover was also moving in that same day.

And I did... I managed to pick up all my things he placed outside the door like trash that needed to be discarded immediately.

But anyway...

I told him that I could pass by and probably pick up some little stuff that I need not hire a cab to transport. I thought the gesture was to ask me to have at least one final talk. And I also thought that he could be asking me because he needed to lessen the stuff that he needed to bring.

By the time that I got there, it was at around 7pm... and it was empty... literally.

There were a few trash... useless stuff left on one corner. Old receipts I collected when we were still together, his old payslips both from TAPE and GMA that I too compiled... it's a habit i have. There was also a box of his own old photos. I don't know why he left it. There was also my old PC monitor... an old decorative basket prop... a worn out backpack he used to use a lot... and nothing more... just pieces of trash.

I was in a state I couldn't figure out what it was. I was so angry... like the way he made me during our breakup... I was shaking and fighting the urge of losing my self-control. But I too was so sad and I felt weak. Seeing the apartment we shared for almost five years like that... empty and abandoned... it was like a ghost. It felt like a blackhole sucking me into deep depression.

When I got back to my own apartment... I've been avoiding all urges to text the Ex and tell him how much of an asshole he is. But in a few hours I couldn't prevent myself anymore. I told him what he made me feel by convincing me to go there. I told him that I don't know if it was intentional that he did that or what his exact motives were but... whatever they were, I wanted him to know that he succeeded and hoped that it was enough to dissolve all remaining hate he had of me. I asked him that for the last time... that he would please never get in touch with me anymore... not acknowledge me if by accident we'd walk into each other in public. I told him that I don't want to know any whatsoever thing about him anymore.

But last week, in just one night... I walked not only into him... but him with his lover walking my dog Chichi and their other dog.

The last three weeks, I realized, could might as well represent my whole year of 2011. Me trying to get back on my feet... only to get dragged again by external representations of my old 'Ex' issues.

I just hope that it's gonna be a totally different season finally next year. I still need to get back my own life.

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