Wednesday, July 18, 2012
When I told my friend Carl about my second to the last entry, he told me that he thinks that I have to stop adding more in this blog.
That made me think. Truth is that I too have been thinking of ending this blog and start a new one. But still, I just kept on adding entries... and I don't know exactly why. Maybe because it's been sort of a friend to me ever since 'the Ex' and I broke up. And perhaps more and more people are discovering it and finding refuge in my old entries in secrecy... I sort feel obliged to help... at least in this small way.
I still keep receiving private messages from strangers from time to time who stumble upon it either through my network in FB or PR and other GBT sites I'm also in, perhaps. And I always entertain conversations. In fact they have become younger and younger I noticed.
I was also in their shoes many times before... especially when I was at their age. There was no one there to throw in some useful advice. I had to learn things the hard way.
So, in many ways... this blog is special to me.
Letting go of it feels like a tremendous task that also makes me feel like I can't do it.
Lately, I've been missing 'the Ex' a lot and been downplaying it but it's there... and I never can't deny. Yes, I know myself too well, and I'm just that. I have decided that I better get used to it. I will always feel this from time to time.
Earlier... sometime before midnight, Carl and I thought of strolling the other side of New York Street here in Cubao. Yes, again... I'm sleeping over... or say... staying up late again in his unit. I feel more relaxed and at home here than my own apartment which I'm determined to give up when my contract expires in September. Carl, Jed and I have been thinking about sharing an apartment somewhere in Diliman and I'm excited.
We're both broke so we can't enjoy having drinks again in our favorite bar now near Jon's community in 15th Ave., and both are already tired of walking and chatting while smoking and men-watching in the streets nearby.
Carl was excited to try going E.Rod-ward and thought about visiting his old community in Kamuning, I just went along.
I didn't expect that he would think about walking all the way to GMA-Kamuning and stopping by the 7-11 branch at GMA. Jokingly, I tried telling him to walk all the way to East Ave instead but he really wanted to stop by. He told me to stop avoiding coincidences for a change. He knew very well that I feared walking into 'the Ex' or anyone close to him.
So, we sat there for a while, drinking bottled juice and smoked.
Just a few minutes after we got back to his place, he effortlessly dozed off. And as for me, I know that sleep will come much much later... so, I took advantage of the bottomless wifi as always and surfed for flirts and read updates of friends on FB.
Still... 'the Ex' never left my mind. So, before writing this, I finally worked up the courage to finally read his blog... knowing more than less how it's going to affect me. But it's some of things I have been thinking of braving of doing too but never had the courage to do so.
There still was one mention about me after many months since he broke up with me and I left our apartment. It was just a passing thing... he was really talking about something else that's totally unconnected to me. I'm relieved at least.
Most of his entries are still his usual rants... but I feel his frustrations now much deeper than when we were together. Perhaps, I put all my emotions bottled up in the deepest depths inside my head because I couldn't afford to... no, I felt I never had the right to pour them out.
Reading about stuff on his lover still pierce me deeply. Although in our early times together, he only had nice words for me... to me... about me... but he never talked about me the way he does with the guy he replaced me with.
Was crying reading even the most mundane. It's just like seeing him upfront.
I was reading his entries from the most recent backwards. His concerns are still about the unpractical choices for his lifestyle that he keeps doing... something he disliked of me every time I try to bring it up when we were still together.
When I reached the ones nearer to the time when I too was struggling after our separation... I had to take breaks between entries. I felt like betraying myself for reading his blog... and feeling sorry for him during his depression knowing too well what I've gone through myself.
When he was still trying to text or email me last year, he kept repeating that he was also going through a really tough time. I could never bring myself to believe him even when I myself have seen how he's lost so much weight and looked very tired the few times I went back to the old apartment that also looked so messed up after I moved out.
I couldn't afford to allow any moment... any amount of empathy for him for almost a year because I couldn't control the emotions that I had kept for so long that were pouring out heavily.
I don't really know if this is the best time for me to end this blog. I aspired for that day to be a happy one... perhaps with promises of a budding love too.
But after reading the relevant blog entries of 'the Ex'... I realized that I started this blog because of him... it's only fitting that I end it because of him too.
I fantasized about ending this blog for the simple reason that I no longer feel it relevant because I'm already fully okay. But I guess, I'll never be.
I thank all of you who took interest in reading the usually looooong entries. I thank all of you who can relate and find sense in even the most liberal ones. I hope that you will also provide others with something they can relate to and maybe help them make sound decisions.
There's no use for waiting for that ideal day to post the 'THE END' entry. I really just got to decide when.
Emotions will always come with the memories of our Exes... good and bad ones. They'll never be erased. Like I admitted nights ago in my FB wall... I never stopped loving 'the Ex'... I just finally learned how to live without him.
I never expected to end this blog sooner... not this year... maybe not even next. But I think it's a good time to do it now.