Last week was very nice. I missed the busy skeds, the shoots, working on the set and my week was real refreshing.
I also hung out a lot with friends. Couldn’t imagine that my best friends from different eras of my life were all together and drinking with me in one long evening.
It was that night when my friend Jed mentioned something about ‘the Ex’ that I knew it was going to be inevitable… that I will be missing him again so much.
She said that he contacted her through facebook and said they should hang out sometime. Joking, she asked what he’s been doing all these time and never bothered to stay in touch. Although, on her part… she was aware of her own decisions. I guess, she got more sympathetic to me than him after our break up. She was there for me during the most difficult after my breakup.
'The Ex' told her that he was fixing his life and that he also changed numbers. She asked him if he’s okay now. He replied saying he’s still in that stage… fixing his life.
I tried to forget about that. Enjoyed the night out that lasted until 5 or 6 the following morning. But when I reached my own apartment, amid my tired body and intoxication, the thought resurfaced.
And knowing myself, I knew that it’s gonna stick for a long while.
The rest of the busy week didn’t do much help… my sadness was only growing all the more.
Been trying my best not to contact him in the only way I now can… online. I’ve been trying to entertain petty distractions… like the new crush, ‘D’ whom I feel like's not the right kind of guy to pursue… or put more enthusiasm on the workshop that’s just around the corner… and the call-back on my career prospects.
I’m also avoiding the temptation of reading all the remaining text messages the 'Ex' sent me a long time ago. I still haven’t written them in a separate journal that I reserved for all the text messages we sent each other during our relationship.
I know it’s kind of cheesy and at some extent creepy to some but it’s my way of not forgetting my own lessons and keeping myself realistic when I get blinded by emotions sometimes.
I guess that if it ever happens that I might feel the urge to contact him… like in the last few days, there’s no use for that anymore… he’s changed his numbers.
Well, perhaps that’s a good thing. At least I know that I’m not going to do anything stupid and humiliating because I am feeling that I want to reach out to him… for him… and yeah, for me.
It’s stupid… I know.
The other day, I went to my cousins’ house in Fairview. I was expected the day before that actually, because it’s my youngest cousin’s birthday. Their parents were there... came all the way from Aklan and they told me that it was a fine birthday gathering.
But I couldn’t come last sunday because I had a business in a TV network. I took a test and waited for hours for my two interviews. One was for a possible hiring for the concept development group of the network and the other specifically for the coming workshop.
I was so hungry the whole day and sleepy. Sleepy because I was already without it for more than 32 hours. Just rested for a while and took a bath in my friend Carl’s unit in Cubao and headed straight for the sked.
Yesterday, I tried to catch up with my Aunt and on some news in our province. I also took the opportunity to copy some TV series and movies so I’ll have some stuff to watch and keep me company again on my sleepless nights.
I was hoping I could meet someone I like on my way back to my apartment to complete the happier day. No luck.
So, I happily looked forward to watching a Charlise Theron film instead... one that I thought was a feel-good movie that would help put me to sleep.
Well, ‘Young Adult’ was more personally disturbing than entertaining. It made me sad again... relating a bit to her character’s conflict. Made me smoke more than what I required of me. And I slept an hour after wanking off.
I was gonna write this last night but feared that I might lose the littlest bit of sleepiness in my head so I didn’t.
Before writing this, I watched another movie that I thought to be a comedy too but… yeah, another film I would’ve appreciated more on happier days. Again, on the matter of living in solitary and losing a home, I too was affected by the character of Tilda Swinton in ‘We need to talk about Kevin’.
Just texted a guy I have sex with sometimes. I need company tonight. He’s coming over in an hour.
Oh, boy… I know this crazy depression’s just warming up. There better be good news very soon. I’ll be needing it.