EPILOGUE

When I told my friend Carl about my second to the last entry, he told me that he thinks that I have to stop adding more in this blog.

That made me think. Truth is that I too have been thinking of ending this blog and start a new one. But still, I just kept on adding entries... and I don't know exactly why. Maybe because it's been sort of a friend to me ever since 'the Ex' and I broke up. And perhaps more and more people are discovering it and finding refuge in my old entries in secrecy... I sort feel obliged to help... at least in this small way.

I still keep receiving private messages from strangers from time to time who stumble upon it either through my network in FB or PR and other GBT sites I'm also in, perhaps. And I always entertain conversations. In fact they have become younger and younger I noticed.

I was also in their shoes many times before... especially when I was at their age. There was no one there to throw in some useful advice. I had to learn things the hard way.

So, in many ways... this blog is special to me.


Letting go of it feels like a tremendous task that also makes me feel like I can't do it.


Lately, I've been missing 'the Ex' a lot and been downplaying it but it's there... and I never can't deny. Yes, I know myself too well, and I'm just that. I have decided that I better get used to it. I will always feel this from time to time.


Earlier... sometime before midnight, Carl and I thought of strolling the other side of New York Street here in Cubao. Yes, again... I'm sleeping over... or say... staying up late again in his unit. I feel more relaxed and at home here than my own apartment which I'm determined to give up when my contract expires in September. Carl, Jed and I have been thinking about sharing an apartment somewhere in Diliman and I'm excited.

We're both broke so we can't enjoy having drinks again in our favorite bar now near Jon's community in 15th Ave., and both are already tired of walking and chatting while smoking and men-watching in the streets nearby.

Carl was excited to try going E.Rod-ward and thought about visiting his old community in Kamuning, I just went along.

I didn't expect that he would think about walking all the way to GMA-Kamuning and stopping by the 7-11 branch at GMA. Jokingly, I tried telling him to walk all the way to East Ave instead but he really wanted to stop by. He told me to stop avoiding coincidences for a change. He knew very well that I feared walking into 'the Ex' or anyone close to him.

So, we sat there for a while, drinking bottled juice and smoked.


Just a few minutes after we got back to his place, he effortlessly dozed off. And as for me, I know that sleep will come much much later... so, I took advantage of the bottomless wifi as always and surfed for flirts and read updates of friends on FB.

Still... 'the Ex' never left my mind. So, before writing this, I finally worked up the courage to finally read his blog... knowing more than less how it's going to affect me. But it's some of things I have been thinking of braving of doing too but never had the courage to do so.


There still was one mention about me after many months since he broke up with me and I left our apartment. It was just a passing thing... he was really talking about something else that's totally unconnected to me. I'm relieved at least.

Most of his entries are still his usual rants... but I feel his frustrations now much deeper than when we were together. Perhaps, I put all my emotions bottled up in the deepest depths inside my head because I couldn't afford to... no, I felt I never had the right to pour them out.


Reading about stuff on his lover still pierce me deeply. Although in our early times together, he only had nice words for me... to me... about me... but he never talked about me the way he does with the guy he replaced me with.


Was crying reading even the most mundane. It's just like seeing him upfront.

I was reading his entries from the most recent backwards. His concerns are still about the unpractical choices for his lifestyle that he keeps doing... something he disliked of me every time I try to bring it up when we were still together.

When I reached the ones nearer to the time when I too was struggling after our separation... I had to take breaks between entries. I felt like betraying myself for reading his blog... and feeling sorry for him during his depression knowing too well what I've gone through myself.


When he was still trying to text or email me last year, he kept repeating that he was also going through a really tough time. I could never bring myself to believe him even when I myself have seen how he's lost so much weight and looked very tired the few times I went back to the old apartment that also looked so messed up after I moved out.

I couldn't afford to allow any moment... any amount of empathy for him for almost a year because I couldn't control the emotions that I had kept for so long that were pouring out heavily.


I don't really know if this is the best time for me to end this blog. I aspired for that day to be a happy one... perhaps with promises of a budding love too.


But after reading the relevant blog entries of 'the Ex'... I realized that I started this blog because of him... it's only fitting that I end it because of him too.


I fantasized about ending this blog for the simple reason that I no longer feel it relevant because I'm already fully okay. But I guess, I'll never be.


I thank all of you who took interest in reading the usually looooong entries. I thank all of you who can relate and find sense in even the most liberal ones. I hope that you will also provide others with something they can relate to and maybe help them make sound decisions.


There's no use for waiting for that ideal day to post the 'THE END' entry. I really just got to decide when.

Emotions will always come with the memories of our Exes... good and bad ones. They'll never be erased. Like I admitted nights ago in my FB wall... I never stopped loving 'the Ex'... I just finally learned how to live without him.

I never expected to end this blog sooner... not this year... maybe not even next. But I think it's a good time to do it now.

Young Adult

Last week was very nice. I missed the busy skeds, the shoots, working on the set and my week was real refreshing.

I also hung out a lot with friends. Couldn’t imagine that my best friends from different eras of my life were all together and drinking with me in one long evening.

It was that night when my friend Jed mentioned something about ‘the Ex’ that I knew it was going to be inevitable… that I will be missing him again so much.

She said that he contacted her through facebook and said they should hang out sometime. Joking, she asked what he’s been doing all these time and never bothered to stay in touch. Although, on her part… she was aware of her own decisions. I guess, she got more sympathetic to me than him after our break up. She was there for me during the most difficult after my breakup.


'The Ex' told her that he was fixing his life and that he also changed numbers. She asked him if he’s okay now. He replied saying he’s still in that stage… fixing his life.

I tried to forget about that. Enjoyed the night out that lasted until 5 or 6 the following morning. But when I reached my own apartment, amid my tired body and intoxication, the thought resurfaced.

And knowing myself, I knew that it’s gonna stick for a long while.


The rest of the busy week didn’t do much help… my sadness was only growing all the more.

Been trying my best not to contact him in the only way I now can… online. I’ve been trying to entertain petty distractions… like the new crush, ‘D’ whom I feel like's not the right kind of guy to pursue… or put more enthusiasm on the workshop that’s just around the corner… and the call-back on my career prospects.

I’m also avoiding the temptation of reading all the remaining text messages the 'Ex' sent me a long time ago. I still haven’t written them in a separate journal that I reserved for all the text messages we sent each other during our relationship.

I know it’s kind of cheesy and at some extent creepy to some but it’s my way of not forgetting my own lessons and keeping myself realistic when I get blinded by emotions sometimes.

I guess that if it ever happens that I might feel the urge to contact him… like in the last few days, there’s no use for that anymore… he’s changed his numbers.

Well, perhaps that’s a good thing. At least I know that I’m not going to do anything stupid and humiliating because I am feeling that I want to reach out to him… for him… and yeah, for me.

It’s stupid… I know.


The other day, I went to my cousins’ house in Fairview. I was expected the day before that actually, because it’s my youngest cousin’s birthday. Their parents were there... came all the way from Aklan and they told me that it was a fine birthday gathering.

But I couldn’t come last sunday because I had a business in a TV network. I took a test and waited for hours for my two interviews. One was for a possible hiring for the concept development group of the network and the other specifically for the coming workshop.

I was so hungry the whole day and sleepy. Sleepy because I was already without it for more than 32 hours. Just rested for a while and took a bath in my friend Carl’s unit in Cubao and headed straight for the sked.

Yesterday, I tried to catch up with my Aunt and on some news in our province. I also took the opportunity to copy some TV series and movies so I’ll have some stuff to watch and keep me company again on my sleepless nights.

I was hoping I could meet someone I like on my way back to my apartment to complete the happier day. No luck.


So, I happily looked forward to watching a Charlise Theron film instead... one that I thought was a feel-good movie that would help put me to sleep.

Well, ‘Young Adult’ was more personally disturbing than entertaining. It made me sad again... relating a bit to her character’s conflict. Made me smoke more than what I required of me. And I slept an hour after wanking off.

I was gonna write this last night but feared that I might lose the littlest bit of sleepiness in my head so I didn’t.

Before writing this, I watched another movie that I thought to be a comedy too but… yeah, another film I would’ve appreciated more on happier days. Again, on the matter of living in solitary and losing a home, I too was affected by the character of Tilda Swinton in ‘We need to talk about Kevin’.

Just texted a guy I have sex with sometimes. I need company tonight. He’s coming over in an hour.

Oh, boy… I know this crazy depression’s just warming up. There better be good news very soon. I’ll be needing it.

D Effect

Currently I’m involved in a project I’m doing ‘probono’ for artsy and middle class kids. Imagine me… poor… freelance media worker… doing that for people who are in a much better place than I am. Well… at least for now my friend said. The thing is aimed to get some sort of sponsorship or something but good luck to us.

But well, I think the stories were gonna do are okay. Not really something I’d normally do for free but they make me feel like it’s my generation they’re talking about.

Anyway, last night was the first production meeting I ever attended with the team and I wasn’t impressed with the fact that after being an hour late from calltime, I was the third person to arrive there and our meeting started more than an hour later.

The people were nice actually, very rakenrol but still… I wasn’t that convinced yet if I was doing a good thing for my own good or what.


Yesterday was kind of great for me actually. We we’re still waiting for people to arrive when I got the call from a coveted workshop I’ve been dying to get into and learned that I got in. The call was also an inquiry if I wanted to apply for a writing job.

Great right?

On a regular day… after receiving such news, I would be celebrating with close friends with alcohol in our beer bellies. But I was… and still am… under the weather… and even when drinks were free last night… I had to control myself… or else I’ll be shooting this weekend with a runny nose. Though, the colds didn’t stop me from smoking. LOL

So, imagine me already feeling great and thought that was the best news I ever got in months but… like I said, yesterday was indeed a very peculiarly interesting day. Because like a cathartic Japanese film… that wasn’t the climax… just the start of a plateau… at least of euphoria for me… after the build-up ends. LOL

It’s because of the last important person to wait for finally arrived… and dang… he was worth the long wait!

Let’s just call this super hot and smart and awfully corny guy ‘D’.

And just when I thought fate was really getting kinder to me last night, apparently… it had some more surprises to give to me. ‘D’ and I will have to work closer because I’ll be under his call.

Oh, yes Sir… your call, please… I’ll give you whatever you want from me. LMAO


Truth is, I had to run somewhere after that meeting but decided to stay because ‘D’ was so magnetic... and I… I was so pathetic… and trying my best not to be obviously drooling. Hahahah!!!


When I decided to go, ‘D’ joined us and I obviously enjoyed our jeep ride to Cubao even when my sinuses were already making eksena. Pero dedma. Nothing’s gonna stop my moment with ‘D’ in that jeepney… not the harurot music blasting ride… not the echoing noise of trucks and trucks of bumbero speeding on the opposite lane. I fought hard not to giggle like a little girl and felt a tinge of ache in my heart when got off before everybody else. Naks!


Oh, there also was no free food in that meeting last night but thanks to ‘D’… even that didn’t matter and my fate to do the project was sealed. Walking along the street of Palawan and Starlites to my friend’s place I was in bliss even when my tummy’s already started eating my intestines and my knees were already wobbly.


Before turning into bed hours later, I had my very late dinner. Like always, there was struggle sleeping but last night… it was brief… thanks to the carbs.

I was wishing I’d dream of ‘D’ but never really bet on it. Texted my friend to pathetically ask… no, beg her… to tell me that ‘D’ is gay or at least bisexual. She said, she’s never asked so she doesn’t know. But hearing that… I thought, at least it crossed my friend’s mind… meaning she/they also sense something.

And though at one point in our meeting ‘D’ called me ‘Pare’… but I thought… so do other closeted guys who flirt with me. I too thought that he was a little warmer than your usual straight guy but then so do all endangered gentlemen species.

Before I dozed off, I was trying to recall the exact way his face looked like.

I couldn’t.

Maybe because he’s sort of familiar. Perhaps, we’ve already met or even briefly worked together before… he told me he also had long hair before his hairline started receding… but whatever, I find it sexy along with his tiny beer belly and pretty fingers. Or perhaps, he just reminds me of other guys I know or admire.

I even secretly wish that he’s the guy I had a crush on during the dinner after the tribute event for a national artist I was involved in last April. Because if so… he’s so potentially available! I wish… I wish… I WISH!!!

So, after playing with those few thoughts in my head, I was already being consumed by sinusitis… and I fell asleep. It was around 2am.


Of course. Yes. Would I be writing this if I didn’t dream of him? Duh!

But I guess, I still would. LOL

I’m so loving fate for over 12 hours now because in my dream, for some awesome reason, ‘D’ and I were side by side in bed, trying to sleep. It was so delicious, I had to drag myself out of bed to attempt to write everything I can recall of it.


Yeah… others would’ve probably wanted to keep dreaming but it was the movie-like dialogue that made me want to wake up. And of course, even in that dream… I didn’t want to have sex with him… yet.

Thinking of it now, I could’ve at least kissed him there. Hayst!

Yes… I’m that awfully attracted… bigtime… to him. I swear… I know I’m already sounding crazy and shameless right now… but what the heck. Sue me!


Woke up at past 6… just a few hours of sleep there, I realized. It’s quite sad that even after a bowl of oats I still couldn’t remember the other details and juicy dialogue in my dream.

Darn, I badly needed cigarettes but I really couldn’t compromise my weekend shoot.


But I remember feeling his hairy arm on my arm… his breath on my neck… and a few lines enough for me to start writing a scene for a future story.

The dream was simple actually and so not typically romantic. So, we were both trying to sleep… probably after a shoot. And then, I realized that he’s the hugger type sleeper. He bear-hugged me in the dream and I told him “D, this is torture”. He didn’t respond to that so I said “I swear that if that cock doesn’t twitch a bit, this is harassment!”

That was all I remember from the dream. I know that we exchanged a few more words and it was about bargaining ‘doing it’ but I refused because I thought that he’s either straight and just too liberal and curious or worse… simply not horny for me if gay.

But I just can’t stop laughing recalling those lines. Care for one more luck? I wish I’d dream of the replay of the dream.


I feel sleepy now, it’s almost 10am. And I think this is all I needed to write about. Will post this later online. And I’m excited to see him on fb later. Yey!


For now, 13 hours later… ‘D’ still tops my list. Couldn’t think of my other boys really. LOL

The effect is like… he’s blocked everyone out. Even my excitement for the workshop next month can’t beat it. Right now, it’s just him… ‘D’… and me.

“PURE TOP” DEALBREAKER

Dating… contrary to usual impressions is much more complicated yet insightful if you allow yourself to be much more sensitive. I even think, it should be included in the curriculum of Psych and Sociology students because it can provide a vast understanding on human behavior and interaction. LOL

I’ve learned a lot from it and it still teaches me so much and yes, surprisingly, the lessons can be applied to other aspects of one’s social life. I myself don’t really like branding people but in some ways placing them silently in categories makes it easier to understand how to interact with them.


I just saw a guy out and on his way home early today and I was feeling a bit sad. He was happy when he looked back to say goodbye after getting on the shuttle to SM North. He waved at me and I waved back and smiled.

But in my mind I knew that I haven’t found in him what I’m still looking for.

Walking back to my apartment, all I felt was that numbness settling in again. I guess I’m already used to this set up. But in my mind, I thought ‘what a waste’ because I kind of liked the guy in some ways. After all, it took a while before we finally met (that was last weekend) and eventually decided to be physical.

It took me two hours before I finally got sleepy.

When I woke up mid-afternoon, I found many text messages from him. The last ones contain expressions of disappointment because I have not replied and he thinks that I’m an ass too after all. That tempted me to think about ‘what if I really stop texting him back?’

Confirming his naiveté… I guess, lessens the feeling of guilt inside… although, I really don’t think I have anything to be guilty of. In fact, I feel like I’m still the one who lost in the game.

On our first date, he mentioned a bit about how he feels hurt with the way some of the dates he had turned out to only lusting him. Of course, I knew that it’s one way of saying ‘please, don’t be one of them’. And hearing that appealed to me. That was one of the few things that made me like him… although a part of me was saying ‘haba ng buhok mo ‘te, ikaw na ang kawawang pinagsasamantalahan’.

But yes, I feel sorry for him because obviously, he has zero clue as to where his recurring predicament is actually coming from. He just thinks that he’s just one poor pretty boy that other guys just want to have a taste of. Haba talaga ng buhok! LOL


The thing with me though is that when I start giving the date a break and setting aside the early warning signs… I really go out of my way to do so faithfully.

So, I guess in some ways I should take a bit of the blame if the failed date gets bitter after my instant eject button pushes me out of the situation. After all, I’m the one who knows more about the unspoken rules of the game ergo I should stop before an already promising mistake happens.

But of course, I too have my natural doze of selfishness. Imagine if I’d be politically just all the time… I might as well cut off my balls and join the Tibetan monks in the Himalayas. So, no matter how many times I’ve played this game and even think that I can make a mathematical probability formula out of the probabilities (oh, I just love saying that. Makes me feel like a genius! LOL)… I still hope that somehow… maybe, if I take a chance… this one… or the next date will be different… and turn out to be a promising candidate.

I’m not really picky… and NO!... I’m never vain about guys. I can always have my friend Jon to look back at every time I’d have doubts of already being vain about men. LOL

In truth, I have a vast and diverse preference in men. And through experience, I have learned how to set my expectations on people to a minimum… that way I minimize the effects of disappointment.

There are just things that I can no longer compromise. Things that I finally have learned after my breakup with ‘the Ex’.


For a long time, I downplayed the ‘sexual compatibility’ issue and played along... compromised more than I should. And yes… in the natural course of life, the downsides manifest and things that were ignored can no longer be undone.

It’s been a while now that I’ve constantly been reminding myself that I should really start trusting my instincts. And one of these is learning to accept the reality that when a person is truly attracted to another… his or her feelings for the other is insatiable.

Deep inside me, I have always believed that the ‘real one’ is the one who would want to connect with you in all ways possible. And in the process… you willingly… instantly… let down your guards and trade compromises.

This thing does not come too often, yes but… it really… still… does happen in real life.

And if there’s anything I should be religious about now… that is exactly what I need to start believing.

I was looking forward to having sex with the guy I was just with early today. He’s one of those men who really intensely stir me up inside. Of course, there were other things I liked about him and would want to know more. But on those matters, I already felt that I’m not so sure of a positive outcome. But nonetheless… I was determined to explore things with him.

At 2am, I arrived at the already dark and empty bus bay of SM North to meet him. He was getting off from work and that was our agreement… to meet there. It was raining and he was late. I sat there looking at the buses passing me by and the drunk men sitting at a distance as I smoke. Thirty minutes later he arrived and we took the next bus to Novaliches.

I consider myself an average in bed but I do not mess around. I don’t overdo it… and most certainly, I don’t have tinge of power struggle when it comes to sex… well, given that it’s a fair situation.

Yes Sir, it’s one of those things I’m no ‘G&D’ on. In fact I’m a proactive participant.

I got no issues about roles. It’s just that I’m neither. To me, sex is about connecting and letting go and being at your most basic. And that’s what I also expect from a partner in bed.


And you see… my issue with some men… and boy, these days their likes are multiplying rapidly… is this distorted (belief of ‘straight-acting’ gay men of the) ‘pure top’ concept… and it aint impressing me a bit.

It’s absurd enough that closeted gay men are pathetically imitating bigot straight men… and now, every Gay and Bisexual queens are having the impression that in order for them to be ‘that straight-acting’ they all have to be ‘pure tops’ and oh, that meant that they’re not only going to try so hard to be ‘the fucker’… they’ll only have to do just that… fuck.

I think I pretty much have enough sexual experience and sensibility… in fact, more than most protein-shake heads have to know that it’s moronic. For one, I learned sex having it with girls so… I actually know exactly what being a top is.

These ‘pure top’ posers might as well be virgin prostitutes and just lay there being performed at. Guys, in case you're not aware... being a top doesn't make the sex all about you.

In fairness to ‘the Ex’… he was a real pure top and he knew how to make it up to me when I finally accepted that in order for us to work out the incompatibility in bed, I had to compromise being the bottom… from time to time at least.


You see that’s the point. I assume that it’s sensible to just aim to get off when one’s having it with a sex worker because the aim… is just to get off. Yeah?

But if you’re dating… especially when you feel like you really want to get involved with the guy you’re having it with… you let go and enjoy and totally connect.

Yes, if you’re a top then by all means, be so. But in truth… if you really like the bottom guy you’re thrusting, you do everything that will make him satisfied too. Because after all, that’s what you ought to be doing if you’re really intensely horny and attracted to him.

Not agreeing to me on this otherwise makes you a hypocrite… that or really naïve, not knowing when you’re emotionally attracted to a guy and when you’re simply hoping to get laid… or… you’re simply a moron.


In this guy’s case, he told me he was a top on our first date. I told him, I don’t go ‘bot’ for dates and asked him what we could about it. He couldn’t answer it so I offered that when the time comes that we both want to do it, we could just do so without penetration happening. It can be done of course.


And so, there we were early today on my bed, and for a while both waiting for each other to make the first move.

I decided I’d do it. Because I was the host? LOL

But soon after, I realized that there was no expected response from his end so… the disappointment began brewing inside me.

Normally, I toss the guy out by the time I find out that he’s just going to lay there like a cold fish in a wet market making me both a necrophile and prostitute at the same time. But I thought, I still wanted to give him the chance because really, he’s… whew… so hot.

I ‘Upped’ the performance… but yes, to no avail. So, in official disappointment, I stopped and laid there beside him. Well, at least, he realized that I got disappointed, he offered that we just yank it off. And we did.

In my mind though, I was already conditioning myself to accept that I’ll have to bid goodbye to this one too.

The dealbreaker was not the the ‘top’ guy. Not the sexual incompatibility. He didn’t have to be versa too. In fact, I even considered for a moment that if the sex would turn out well, I just might reconsider exploring emotional possibilities with a ‘top’.

The dealbreaker was that he obviously wasn’t into me. I mean… WHO would want that?

You see, this time around… I want the next guy I’m allowing myself to get involved with to be really into me… emotionally… intellectually… politically (if possible)… and sexually. I want to feel that the guy is deeply curious about me… really wants to be with me… intensely wants me… and that I never have to solicit his realization of these.


But until then, I will just have to ignore the awkwardness of episodes like this one.

I’m deciding finally to text the guy with a reply asking him to read this. I owe him that at least… knowing that in fairness to him… he at least still liked the idea of being around me. or that he liked that compromise I did for him that will never happen again.

I want to know how he reacts. If it turns out negatively, then that only means there’s no reason to feel apologetic. If he takes it positively, we could at least probably work out something like becoming friends.

Inked on my ink

I may have been getting to know more guys these days (and have dated some of them consecutively) compared to all my earlier years as a gay man combined.

Still don’t really think it’s being slutty. I guess it’s the intent that separates the ‘simply slutty’ from the ‘practical liberal’.

I’m not even ashamed to let people know that I actually think that dating inclusively is healthy…again, especially when you’re not getting any younger. Yes, this is still very much a part of the new attitude I’m applying to myself.


Everyone’s fixated with youth (and I still can’t get around with it) and the ones of my age who are still (or back) in the game are desperate to look their best to snag that remaining few who pass their qualification.

I can’t be forced to do that.

I too have an extent in the vanity department but it’s really all about me and no guy can ever motivate me to join the ‘fitness first factory-made ken sex doll clones parade’.

I bank on my own assets. If they don’t work… they don’t work, so… next one please. I want to be wanted and appreciated for simply my basic me, not on what I can put on or try to be and/or look like.

There are times however… when a guy strikes you so hard and you suddenly feel like a little schoolgirl giggling and wanting to know him… flirt with him… be with him more and more.

It seldom happens in my universe though. It’s just that recently, there’s this… well, yes… another skinhead guy… and darn! I really tried so hard not to get attracted to these bare-heads anymore… but yeah, my bad… I know, they’re my kryptonite.

Kept telling myself that there’s really something psychological in sporting the skinhead that connotes to being conservative and anti-innovative.

But reeeeeally… this one, I lost my wits for a while and I let down my guard and risked letting my hidden desperation fall out of the bag.

Oh yeah… he saw all of it. What can I do? I’m also such a sucker for really awesome tats!


Okay… when I got sober… and man, I really did force myself to avoid getting in touch with him for a while but knew inside me that I will eventually have to face it… I knew it was the end of the fantasy.


But no, not really a total ‘WongkarWai’ ending, I always get something good out of every misfortune. Got a new entry again on my morals book you know. Blah!

You see, I never even met this tattooed guy personally. But it’s like, I felt that I really wanted him… yes, ‘this one’ for myself… for keeps. Uh huh… he had that kind of effect.

Darn that unlimited internet and airconditioning for several days that I had when I stayed in Carl’s unit, it might have had something to do with me acting weird and saying stuff I normally wouldn’t.

Met him in, yeah… the same lousy GBT site I still content myself making use of in meeting more guys and finding good candidates. But to me, he really stood out. I started with my usual easy compliments and he indulged.

In no time, I was discovering more and more pogi points he’s got and before I realize it, I was too intoxicated by him.

From the GBT site, we resumed our chitchats in FB and YM. And everyday, I’d find myself waking up excited to go online and see if I got a message from him… which didn’t come very often.

That was the early sign.

Did keep note of it but didn’t really paid much attention.


I too was amazed at myself for flattering him that much. And I guess, it was entertaining for him… he basked in that summerlike awesome tan I showered him.

Not bitter, no… I just gave what I really wanted to give. No issue with that.

But by the time I finally decided to stop it and see what normalcy would prompt him to do… and find out how I truly fared to him… I sensed that it was all he wanted… the flood of compliments in this time of drought.

I still wish there was more. But yes, to conclude… I tried a few more stuff to draw it out from him… hoping that he’s just that type who only needs an itsy bitsy more encouragement to be able to express what he truly feels without feeling ashamed.

Nada. (sigh)

And I only realized what I was actually looking for and the reason for all of the gaga… when I was texting (with) him... the last of which was last night.

You see, he kept on telling me even when we were still chatting online that I just flatter him and he just don’t fall for that.

Yes, fair enough. I too, wouldn’t get myself carried away by sugar sweet words.

He said that I’m just a writer who knows how to concoct the right combination of words and make them sound charming… but again, no real bearing.

Yes. I agree with him on that too. I would only figure out a guy genuinely when we get to meet eventually and talk.

But it’s really not the point!

Let’s set aside the craziness I admit to have made him uncomfortable.

What I realized that was missing… and yeah, the reason probably why I went as far as I did… was that feeling of reciprocity.

Probably deep in me, I was anticipating for the same excitement from him… that he wanted to get to know me that much as well… that he’s also very much attracted to me… that he wanted to meet me so bad he’d ask us to meet without me leading him to do so… and that I would feel it in my guts that he feels that I could probably be ‘the one’.

That wasn’t there.

And that’s what made me step back.


Good thing, I thought of opening and reading our FB conversations and copy-pasting our YM chat as a document to use as a reference one day for a scene on an episode for a TV show concept about the life and dating games of single LGBTs (pathetic, huh?)… I got the chance to review the track of our conversations. And that’s how I got myself into this line of thought.

I recall in one of our earlier conversations… he told me to ‘fire away, ask me anything’. I said… ‘but that’s really not the way I truly get to know people’ and the reason why I wanted to see and read his FB wall.

For me, it’s not the ‘whats’ that make me get to know people… it’s the ‘hows’. It’s on how people converse… respond in conversations… contribute in conversations… the tone… the expressions used and directions people lead conversations to that tell me more about them than who they voluntarily say they are and what they do.

And in life, I learned to read between the lines… and find out more probabilities behind the simple texts. There actually is a lot more to learn from there than what people simply say.

Last night, I told him that if he can’t express more than he already did… then more likely, that’s all there is that he has in response to everything that I felt towards him.

And that’s not particularly the type of reciprocity I hope to find from a guy I really want to meet.

In his message last night he said ‘I don’t wanna invest any emotion unless I met you, that’s our difference’. His last text message this morning he said ‘I’d love to know you more but I can’t be romantic with someone I barely know’.

To me… there really aren’t any investments to be made yet in this early course of getting to know… so, I don’t really see anything to worry about in expressing one’s real responses on conversations with a guy who already is doing it for him.

In this stage, it’s just a matter of finding out the weight of attraction present that could say a lot about the real need for going to the next phase which is the part where two people eventually meet each other… the real first investment.

So again, I guess that just indicated that I was more into him. And I must admit that… that’s not good enough for me… even when there’s this thing in my gut saying… ‘you could probably make an exception again… just one last time, no? You might regret it, you know’.

Ugh! I really hate it when that happens.


Earlier this week, I posted something on my FB wall asking if it’s worthwhile to keep pursuing a single guy who most probably just see you as a distraction. It was meant for guys like him that I’ve met recently.

Because I feel that this time I really got to find someone who truly wants to get to know me more… because he’s that very much drawn to me.

Apparently, I am still in that process of being challenged to make the same compromises I used to do in another lifetime.

And with this one, it’s really stirring up so much contradiction inside me. Part of me is saying that ‘the signs are there, c’mon… he has that same qualities as the Ex and thatstark difference in lifestyle and set of sensibilities should spell out the obvious enough’… while the other part of me is saying ‘throw caution to the wind’, he’s definitely your type… period’.

Anyway… I guess this is a classic example of ‘you’re too emotionally available’ kind of situation.

Would this mean that if I ever be the bad guy to my rational side again and pursue him and we’d get as far as dating… will he eventually say that to me? Because it was already there in the first place? And I should’ve followed my instincts. ‘He’s simply just not that into you’? And I already should’ve known that?

Must I think that if I should follow the right indication… is it what I have been concluding the past few days? That it should be as early as the beginning that he could’ve already displayed ‘good enough’responses?

I guess, now… in a final attempt, I’m goin’ to have to incubate this for a little while more. Maybe the inked man would cease to have an issue with my ink. Maybe he won’t.


I am my ink. I can’t be without it, it wouldn’t be me. So it all boils down to the appreciation of me being who I basically am or nothing at all.

But darn... i really want that inked!

there's more to being simply branded as Palikero...

dapat talaga, sa totohanan... kapag nanliligaw ka... lalo na't l/g/b/t ka... dapat sabay-sabay. may ilang pagpipilian.

walang personalan. hindi sa bastusan o anuman.

hindi kasi positibo ang dulot ng isahan, laluna't kung basted ang hantong.

hindi rin makatarungan na ang nililigawan mo ay maraming opsiyon at ikaw siya lang hanggang bastedin ka. dapat may mga pagpipilian ka rin at nang makagawa ng mas matalinong pasya... laluna sa panahon ngayong lahat ay temporal.

maikli lang ang buhay. madali lang magbago ang mga bagay. wala kang ibang pag-aari kundi ang sarili. hindi mo sakop ang desisyon ng ibang tao... kahit pa karelasyon. dapat ay praktikal at walang konserbatismo.


(some thoughts about the phenomenon of 'the back-up plan')

This Season's Fish Harvest

It's quite amusing to me seeing men (both straight and not) have been trying (and still trying) to pump up... quite too hard in the last several months (or weeks)... and to think (and i bet most of them would deny) that the real reasons are just basically everything that has to do with looking competitive in the beach scene market... and of course, the photo ops... for facebook.

Then, after all the works (glutathione, hairstyle ...and coloring too for some, tats and the über overalls... and slammin bags and equipment) and you get to talk to them... ang pinaka-importanteng baon (and investment) ang nakalimutan.

Smarts.

Hello? Anyone in there?

The more pathetic are the older ones actually... the younger ones can always have the excuse that they're still too young to develop mature sensibilities and interesting personality.

cougar legend

COUGAR LEGEND


These days I’ve been attempting to take a chance in dating younger guys. Yes, even them I consider kids actually (translate: boys younger than my youngest cousin who’s now 21)… but not quite down that age bracket… but why not, too.

I didn’t know exactly why I was letting myself into it for months now until I mentioned it in a phone conversation with one 24-year old. That’s when I realized why I think I should also have faith in finding a suitable partner in mature and sensible younger men.

Yes, ‘Men’.

It dawned on me as I was explaining to this guy why I bother checking out boys his age that I too, was so much into older men a decade ago. Like ten-to-fifteen-years-older older men. And I had partners who were that much older than me in my 20s.

Prior to him asking me, I first asked him why he’s trying to be different preferring older men instead of the fitness first factory-made chinito looking bleached Korean hairdo-ed 20-something ‘Bi’(yot) and discreet (kuno) clones. He said, he couldn’t relate to them.

Fair enough I thought… although I still felt a bit uncomfortable with his stereotype hipster look… that’s somehow become a trauma to me since my recent experience with the Ex (breaking up with me for a younger in-crowd artsy hipster trash).

But going back to my realization in the middle of my conversation with the 24-year old…


To me, it was not just the usual illusion that I’d be able to find a suitable guy (suitable meaning mature older man) to be with but more likely because I’ve always felt that I have more mature sensibilities than most people my age and had no patience with them at all.

I thought, he was like me… I mean the 24-year old I was flirting with on the phone. He was so good in writing his blog entries and thought this one was a good candidate.

But… he turned out to be just another kid wanting to have sex with an older guy. Bleh!


That didn’t discourage me, though. So far, I’ve gone as far as chatting online with a few and even took one home.

It was a huge mistake though. He was just a kid inside that gorgeous and seemingly matured exterior. I let him jack-off before sending him home. Thought I owe him that at least.

But the quest for considering the age bracket in the inclusivity still stands to this day.

I still feel that I should consider. Or perhaps, it’s because I realize too, that at my age… the search for a potential partner is becoming a challenge.

Used to be a grown girl’s thing… but these days… it’s also become a grown gay man’s as well.

We all know that people normally get hitched or just settle down monogamously sometime in their 20’s… and one of the causes of the ‘doormat phenomenon’ is the fear of ending up single for the rest of one’s miserable life if she or even he (now) decides to break up and dare take on the uncertain long and winding road again. So, one normally decides to bear the misery of a toxic union, thinking that at least… she/he lives the rest of the miserable life with someone.

Until… the couple realizes in the eleventh hour that they’re already killing each other will they abruptly break it off and the new cycle begins. The more affected one drowns in abysmal misery and the one who’s doing better enjoys the new life back in the game. I know this very well, trust me. Tseh!!!

But anyway…


Going back to the original topic. The reason why I even bothered mentioning that is to give stress to a point. And the point is… that people your age are more likely already taken and/or trying to bear the downsides of their relationships because they pretty much got an idea too of how it is to be in your shoes.

So, you’re left with fewer options… but behind the temptation to settle on ‘any-any’ you know better now to stick to the game… and painfully wait to meet the right one.

Until… you realize that you can expand your clause. Bam!

My theory of this ‘cougar phenomenon’, thank you.

Carrie in Enid's 'Waiting Pool'

for the first time, someone had the guts to comment directly on an entry on my blog. Normally, I get private messages. most of the time, they are people I never even was previously acquainted with.

even some friends who read my rants from time to time don't even dare post their comments.

So, i chuckled on this new development. And i excitedly composed this reply.


"just read your comment and hahah... we don't really need to box ourselves in categories. Even sluts have different reasons for being so. ;)

anyway... hoping for some views at PR also has more to it than just plain vanity.

hahah...


you see, sometimes you tend to think that at a certain age, you already understand sexual politics inside and out... but unexpected things happen and you find yourself with your jaw dropped in disbelief. you then crawl back to the dance hall of the crazy dating games with a bruised ego and a tired heart.


you realize that you thought you knew these games but the truth is... no one really does. and no one will ever learn. At least that's what i think.

the games never change, yeah... but they vary. and the next time you're in it... it's most likely not the same as the last one you played.

so... again, you subject yourself to the things you swore you'd never ever do again. and when pride looks you in the eye with the ugliest mocking smile... you just say 'bitch! outta my way. i'm on a mission.'


just now... i suddenly hear Enid (Carrie's Vogue Boss) saying "...what are you doing in my waiting pool?"

LOL

you're just 25... why in the world are you ranting my rants... hahahah!"

OH VALENTINE… YOU BASTARD VALENTINE YOU!

I spent two days with a friend in Cubao. I was just relieved that I didn’t have to endure the escalating pressure of yet another get-together tradition alone and stuck here in my apartment.

I made it sure that in all those two days, I’ll be having less time to rest so that when I return to my miserable reality, I’ll have no time to socialize with it. On the first day, I slept for only four hours in the mid-day. And I tried not to sleep last night but at around 5… I already felt groggy so I gave myself an hour’s nap.

8 am this morning, I got back to my apartment… a place that’s more like a cell without a metal door that’s locked all the time and the prisoner having no choice but to spend grueling days inside it.

Other than being free to go in and out of my own prison and the privilege of a few precious interactions with good souls and a chance to enjoy knowing the rest of the existence in this world online… I feel that I’m no better than a common prisoner.

And again… this morning, whether I like it or not… I had to return to my own imprisonment.


But on the good side, I spent most of this ‘hearts day’ sleeping and detached from the demon of misery that’s always enthusiastic in keeping me company. At least I got that accomplished


I woke up at past three… mid-afternoon. I didn’t get up just yet. I just stared at the floor in front of me and paid attention to the sounds outside… as if there’d be anything different from the rest of the days.

It’s still valentines day, I told myself.

With an effort, I tried to recall the lyrics and melody of the song of the late Whitney Houston I just discovered last night. It’s called “Didn’t know my Own Strength”, I think. It’s one of her last singles. I liked it so much that I shared it’s Oprah show premier in facebook early this morning.

Couldn’t… I finally gave up. But I want to save the song one of these days in my laptop’s playlist.


And then, I began to remember my conversation with my good friend Carl yesterday after I let him read my valentines letter to my Ex. It’s the first time I ever let anyone into my deepest most honest recesses in a long time.


Yes, I sent a long letter of apology to my Ex… finally… last Saturday. Originally, I wanted to send it to his email on valentines day but thought again that it might not be a good idea.

Besides, I made that letter to somehow finally give both of us that finality. It was out of my attempt to be totally honest with myself… and him. I wanted to finally admit my own mistakes in the collapse of our relationship and our ugly separation.

There, I said it all. No more… no less.

I told him that after all the pain and suffering, I already have arrived at the realization and admission to myself that I appreciate the life he shared with me still.

That letter, I made… because I wanted it to be my gift to him for the love he gave me in our life together. It was my way of acknowledging his beauty that I want him to realize and be reunited with again.


Honestly, I expected that in some weird way, there’d be an instant result that would strike me after sending him that email. Some sort of relief… I guess?

I didn’t get any.

Oh well, a nyway… I still felt that I did the right thing. Maybe, that thing I’m somehow hoping to feel will arrive soon… or much later than soon.

Just now, I realized that after all the emotional rollercoaster rides in my life… and after thinking that I’ve already lost it a long time ago to pragmatism… there remains a drop of romanticism in my blood… just enough to spice up my miserable existence.

Hmp…

Well, I guess… I too deserve owning this day of tradition after all.

Up Somewhere In The Air

...Can't connect to what I watched today... 'UP IN THE AIR' for the N-th time... but I find myself relating to it... somehow.



...saved a few lines from the film,

"‎You know... by the time you're 34, all those physical requirements just go out the window...

...you may not understand that now but believe me you will one day...

...and a nice smile... yeah, a nice smile. Nice smile just might do."


...and a while ago, I scolded a prick in a GBT site and said

"I'm gonna be honest...

truth is... most of the time, the 'zup!!!!!' and 'what you up to?????'
on-your-face-hit doesn't impress people.

you're quite a looker already, no need to 'try' to be cool.

and to follow it up with 'what?' (now)... and somehow demanding a total stranger to give you his location... ends whatever interest he might have for you.

that, kiddo is an unsolicited advice from a fairly experienced adult.

now, do better and be nice and intellectually interesting... instead of trying to be 'down'. goodbye"


of course he answered me with

"wow ang gwapo mo tol

ashole
fuck you"


before blocking me so that I couldn't respond to that.


...and last, I got a new favorite song, it keeps playing in my mind all day. It's called 'Help Yourself' and here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZudzJQfx8vk&feature=related

GUY SHOPPING PROFILING STYLE

Some kid i was chatting with in a GBT site was trying to give me an advice... and I went along since he's really hot. He's 23 by the way.


But he mentioned something that really made me think. You see, you can go to a gallery there and choose from like hundreds and thousands of profiles to flirt with... send pa-cute messages... etc.


Each page has like 20 profiles and in a day there are an average of 15 to 20 pages in the gallery. So, imagine yourself pushing a shopping cart and picking whoever you like.


Anyway... so, this younger guy was telling me that if my intention is to get a quick fix and don't really mind who it is as long as I get laid... hit the ones who are in the most recent numbers... meaning profiles in pages 1 to 3... or 5. Now, if i'm the desperate type who can't book a hook up... go for the last several numbers... meaning... the ones who have been logged in for hours and hours now. He say's these guys are most likely the same 'losers'.


And then he adds, 'now if you really want to get to know guys who are serious or if not, guys who are really picky and got the right to be, go for the ones in the middle pages'.


I thought it was funny and how could he have come up with such theory. But after getting tired of each others' blahs... it made me realize that... put that theory in a more friendly and unprejudiced way... it kind of makes sense.


hahah!