(August 17, 2011, 10:26:46 PM)
A few nights ago... I came home with a heavy heart.
Not only was it uneventful, I also had an FB status 'parinigan' episode with a guy I used to date for a while.
He's a Film professor. And I've known him since years and years ago. He's actually my older cousin's age group. They were colleagues in some TV shows before.
He was my crush in many different ways and could only admire him silently because he had a girlfriend back then.
Like me, his relationship lasted for five years and when it ended, it put him in a long and deep depression.
But at least he won a Palanca, got himself a condo in the Nova suburbs and got cast in 'My Fake American Accent' and I think, he looked good... no, hot... in that film.
It took a while before he sprung back to 'normal life'. But normal life made him too comfortable and content being single.
It was weird and to some... it may seem romantic that after many years... we met at that time when I was almost determined to return to Iloilo and base there again. All I wanted back in March was to remove all memories of 'The Ex'.
My current best friend and I wanted to spend our last time together and drink in Spazzio in Maginhawa so we went there. And there he was, drinking too with some common friends.
We were a bit conscious of each other that night but the sexual tension was undeniable.
When it was time to wrap up the very long night of drinking and everyone had their own next agenda, coincidentally, we were both headed the same direction. I was staying with my cousins in Sauyo (but more like already fairview) and he was just a street before Quirino Highway.
Drunk and horny of him... I tried my best to make our conversation wholesome and avoided looking at him while we were driving. He's too sexy for me although I liked better his usually short curly hair, his eyes that were more full of life and minus a few pounds version of him years ago... but still his appeal... was still very much intact.
During our whole ride, he was convincing me to spend the night with him in his home, worried that it might be too late in the wee hours of the morning to wake up my cousins.
In my mind, I didn't mind him insisting but I was afraid of myself. Anyway, for all I know, he was just being courteous. What I was worried of was that i might not be able to resist the urge to go to bed with him.
But nothing happened that night. Later on, during the time that we were already dating, he'd confess to me that he was also very tempted... was actually already dropping hints that night but that I didn't get them. He said he was just as worried as I was of what we were both thinking to ourself. I'm the cousin of a good friend-colleague... you know, the kind of ethical situation kind of thing.
That night, I couldn't sleep on the sleeping bag he provided me because I was just inches away from his bed and I was fighting the urge so hard that by the time the skies outside turn purple, I decided to just sit on his sofa and watch him sleep. Of course... my eyes were fixated on his bulge.
We were together for most of that following day, enjoying each other's company. I even went riding with him to his few stops before he finally goes to work in UP.
When I was in Iloilo, he kept sending me text messages that end up with such questions like 'when are you planning to come back?' or saying 'hope you come back home to manila soon'. He would text me stuff like how he feels about seeing each other after so long only to find out that I was actually leaving and moving away.
Sometimes he'd ask if it's okay to call me. And we'd talk as if we were using the landline. I was convinced that he wanted to have a relationship or start something like it with me. And of course, it made me feel good at a time when everything's uncertain.
I decided to go back... after several weeks. No... of course NOT because of him... but I that I tought that it would be more complicated for me to start over in Iloilo than to face my ghosts back here in manila.
But the time we saw each other again, it was as if we we're lovers reunited after a long estrangement. From the day I arrived, I already spent the night in his place. Also the next two weeks... straight.
So what went wrong? I couldn't point a finger on it too, actually.
He just grew more and more unattached. He'd make excuses of not being comfortable expressing personal thoughts through text messages or email when in fact he got me almost falling for him entirely thru these electronic communication channels.
When I did something he didn't like he'd tell it to me and I would comfortably offer my apology. But when i bring up something I didn't like, he wouldn't hear of it and wouldn't do any effort to find out when I resort to giving him a cold shoulder.
So I had to confront him several times just so once and for all we know what we want in what we had.
I told him that I came from a relationship where I always had to be the one who compromised and that I'm tired of making such efforts again. But if he would trade compromises with me and make as much efforts in our affair... I would go all the way again for him amid the emotional problems I still have from my break-up.
He told me that he's very much sensitive on the issue of loyalty and monogamy. I understood this because I have learned from him about how he suffered back then.
But in the end, things still got worse and I had to confront him finally of what he really wanted to happen between us because the same issues persisted and I couldn't allow myself to get more depressed than I already was.
We had two weeks apart before this and I couldn't see him because I knew that he would be busy that whole week and I had to be the house man of my cousins' house because they went to a vacation out of the country and I was doing them that favor.
After one whole week, I was hinting on how much I missed him and would want to see him but for some reason, he wouldn't even return my text messages or email.
I thought to myself, if that's what he wanted then I'd play his game. I decided I'd play him casual. I can't allow myself to be mistreated anymore. I thought, I had to start making options for myself again. I went out on dates.
But I had to confront him at least for one last time before deciding to call it quits. He texted me back after a few days. He said that he too realized that it was not right of him to keep me guessing and hanging in the air on what he wanted to do about our status.
But he also added that he found out that I was flirting with other guys on the net. And that I sort of broke the pact of monogamy and loyalty.
Apparently, I left my facebook open in one of his computers and he was able to snoop in it.
I told him I don't have anything to explain to him nor do I feel like I cheated on him. I told him that I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing because 'I need' 'what I'm doing'.
I asked him what he was actually expecting from me... like keep on hanging on to something I do not even know if it still exists... and keeping my end of our arrangement... being loyal to him and all... without getting any efforts nor basically anything at all from him.
And so that was the end of that short affair.
Fast forward to many dates and a 'Pillow pal' after... I was annoyed at 'Pillow Pal' during the time he was troubling himself over a one-week affair and posted a 'pahaging' FB status.
But something in what I said actually hit the wrong guy... yes, the Film Prof. He decided to post a retaliating but not so obvious status.
It hit me... but I decided not to go there. Instead, I opened his profile page and found that he's now regularly going to the gym again... thanks to my encouragements before. He also sports the short hair that I like again. Thanks to me again... I've finally convinced him that rebonded hair doesn't look as sexy as his short curls.
Oh, and I was able to give him a brief make-over time too. And I'm certain that he's changing his wardrobe gradually with the kind of clothes I made him try on during our trips to the boutiques before.
Tangna n'ya. Ngayon pa s'ya gumwapo uli ng ganito.
HUW..... WHY..... YYYYYYY?!!!!!@!*
Why do they all end up being better only after an affair with me?!!!
That was what I was screaming in my head that night.
When I got home and opened my door, there was a white envelope on the floor.
Instantly, I felt elated by the sight. Thought 'oh good... my very first letter in this apartment... who could it be?'
Then I found out it was my first electric bill. It didn't even reach P5.00.