Sunday, September 25, 2011

the rain inside

(journal entry)

(August 31, 2011, 11:54:27 PM)
Almost ran into the Ex tonight in Trinoma. Was thinking of lighting one stick before I go home. He was walking opposite and sat beside his bitch by a bush covered bench. I was looking for a smoking area sign and walking towards an escalator.

Was shaking from the sudden rage and awkwardness of it. Had several cigarettes instead.

I was calming down myself while thinking of the my baby brother's first night back in the country just recently and we had too much to drink that he threw up while he was already in bed and I helped him to the rest room and cleaned the mess afterwards.

It brought me back some memories when the Ex used to come home totally drunk and puke outside the front door or in the living room.

I felt a squeezing inside my chest and I was surprised.

I only thought of going to trinoma to do some errands before going back home after feeling a bit sad when I left cubao. Saw my brother to his trip to our home in Aklan via Roro.

I actually looked back after stepping on the escalator... to see if the Ex noticed me. He wasn't looking. but they looked as though they were arguing.

Consulted my feelings. I didn't feel any mean kind of joy like I expected myself to feel. Instead I even felt sad for the Ex... and mad at myself for feeling so.

Yes... I was enraged. Enraged still at the Ex... but actually more at myself.

It was raining there at the roof top area.

I realized too... that it's still raining inside me when I thought it had already stopped.

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