Sunday, September 25, 2011

Slipping off my own liberal terms

(August 10, 2011, 11:35:55 PM)
Last Saturday, I was pissed off when I got disconnected when I clicked POST to add yet another long entry to this thread. Yes, I should have known better to compose it first as a word document... or highlight and click copy and then paste on the quick reply.

I was to share my mixed emotions after my overnight stay at 'Pillow Pal's' place. Well, I felt good because it was nice hanging out with him... and i was down too at the same time... because after we said goodbye the following night... yes, we were together for just a few hours short of a whole 24hours... I had to go back to my own reality.

Another reason for feeling sad was because of the confusion hovering above all my other thoughts as I head back to Sauyo in distaste and heavy steps.

Because it finally hit me that I was already getting too close to him and letting down my guard and allowing my fondness of him pump me up like sugar.

You see, he's very affectionate and normally takes care of people more than the usual.

If I was a novice in sexual politics, I would have told him right away that I'm already in love with him. Man, he even brought us breakfast in bed. If I met him in my early 20s... I would have gone down on my knees and asked for his hand for marriage right there.

And I can't. I can't entertain such thoughts. No.

I can't allow myself to have feelings for him more than our comfortable setup. I can't risk it. I can't afford to mess up my own already messed up emotional health.


Because on top of it all... he really isn't in any way into me.

It stunned me, honestly because I thought I was already liberal enough as a person... but no, he is a lot more than liberal than I am, I realized.

It finally sank in me that the only thing that he really needs from me is the borrowed warmth... that I most probably introduced him to.

And he enjoyed the borrowed moments of intimacy. That only.

Yes... you're probably thinking it... I did... tried. We were already there and he gently asked me not to continue. He said, he didn't want to lose me.

Confused, I asked him if he didn't like what I was doing... or if I was doing it wrong.

He replied and said he didn't want to lose me being his intimate friend. He added that he won't be as comfortable together anymore if we already go to the part where we'd be having sex too in our setup.

First, of course, my pride was wounded. Not to brag... hahah... but I've always been more than average competent in the language of sex.

But I realized what he meant, good thing logic stepped in quickly. I realized that for a guy like him... it's too easy to get hook ups... yes, Fuck Buddies.

But what he liked most in what we have is that were connecting... more than just friends... less than being lovers... and less than being sex partners. He probably realized that at this point in his life... he already needs more than just physical connection... but a deeper bond.

Since saturday night, when we said goodbye, I've been re-adjusting my own emotional connection with him. I have to try to be more casual. I am still very much vulnerable... and I can easily get addicted to intimacy because it gives me the illusion of being in love.

I told myself that I have to be careful. And that I have to constantly remind myself that what we have... is just a temporary thing. One of us may soon find his own guy whom he'd think he'd be ready to get into a relationship with and the other... or make that both... have to condition themselves to still be okay and even be happy for the other... when that time comes.

Two days ago, 'Pillow Pal' went to the mall to look for the leather sandals brand that I like because he wanted to have one himself. I thought that he really wanted me to join him when he does but yes, that day... he went alone to find it.

He wasn't able to buy sandals because apparently, he didn't like the new ones on the shelves. He went home, took the MRT and there, he met a guy. A guy who most likely has the ideal look of 'Pillow Pal'. Tall... stocky... chinoy and smooth. Yes, the stereotypical goodlooks of this generation.

So, they got to talk and decided to go on a date the following day... which was yesterday. He told me all about it and how he's so excited for the date and the guy of course... and at the same time, worried because the guy is much younger than his ideal age for a boyfriend.

I didn't reply for a while so, he texted me a few more times until I told him that I was online and very much horny.

I never replied again.

It was immature, I know... and I was so... aware of it. But yes... I felt the weight of how possessive I already am of him. And I hate myself for being so.

Yesterday, the only time I received a message from him was when I was already in bed, forcing myself to sleep as usual. He told me about their movie date. I replied mockingly. Asked him how he rates the guy's performance. He said, they haven't done it yet. I did not reply.

Hours passed, I tried not to reply... but did.

I told him that I guess it's time for us to move along now. And that he shouldn't worry too much about how long the thing with the guy would last, he's supposed to be more mature now after the relationship lessons he also had.

My excuse? I kept convincing myself 'why should I?' He doesn't text me as much as he used to. In fact, today... zero messages from him. I guess, we're really moving on our own paths now... at least in the aspect of sharing intimacies... the way we did... without the need for a formal talk...

...just like our arrangement. Informal. Casual.

I got to go on dates more often, I made a mental note to self. But I suspect that it would be more difficult now since I'll be looking for the kind of affection that I've already become accustomed to now.

No more slip-offs. No more expectations... seriously now.

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